Top 5 fashion tips for fall!

By Hannah Lynn

There’s a brisk wind in the air that indicates fall is right at our doorstep, and that means a whole new season of fashion! Check out this cool and fun style guide to jazz up your boring wardrobe.

1. Flannel! These shirts are warm, versatile, and most of all, super cute! Just remember, the sturdier the better.

2. Rainboots! These are super functional for those rainy fall days, especially when you have a lot of walking to do. Plus, they’re super cute! And remember, the taller the better!

Today's Head Lines

These head lines have more of a pensive look about them. Perhaps, he is thinking about a challenging Sudoku puzzle or his difficult marriage

Pitt Student Convicted of Bringing Rape upon Herself

In a landmark case, Pitt sophomore Natalie Ramsel was convicted of provoking a fellow student Brick Masteson to rape her—a felony in most states. The incident had occurred at a party last spring when Ramsel cruelly wore a miniskirt and smiled at the unsuspecting 230-pound Masteson, which compelled the poor fellow to liquor her up and drag the gagged criminal to the basement, where the terrified victim had no choice but to rape and further threaten Ramsel.

“It was horrible,” Masteson stammered out through tears during his testimony. “The way she stole glances at me, the way she said hi to me—all that horror comes back to me in nightmares, how she was writhing in my steel grasp, how she made me humiliate her and just leave her on the basement floor like a rag. I still shudder to think of her brutality.”

New Kenyan Charity to Build American Resumés

Founded this September, Kenyan charity Building the Road to Success will help thousands of American high school students build their resumes for applying for college scholarships and financial aid, said the charity’s website. Its founder Joseph Mbantu cited compassion and altruism as his chief motivations.

“My heart and prayers go out to the high school students of America,” he said, noting that the income gap between those with and without a college degree is at a record high while the exorbitant costs of attending college without scholarship or financial aid keeps the lower class poor and upward social mobility rare. “Students from low-income families often have no time or opportunity for nice-sounding extracurricular activities that make resumes glow, so that’s what we’re for.”

Guitarist Still Unaware Moving His Mouth Does Not Affect Guitar Sound

Licking his lips, grimacing, and tensing up his neck as if the guitar was eating away at his internal organs, local guitarist, Stanley “Fudge Neck” Weppers, went through several riffs onstage at the Langston Poetry House evidently unaware that his facial contortions were not affecting the sound of his instrument. Bystanders noted that when Weppers began the song, he nodded a lot almost like he believed his chin waggle was increasing the oscillation of sound waves emanating from his acoustic guitar. At one point, Weppers puffed out his cheeks, played the same note several times in no noticeably different way, and shook his head perhaps in a desperate attempt to better his guitar prowess via spastic vertebrae movements.

School Counselor Urges Bully to Just Be Himself

Last week Eakton High School counselor Kasper Somlet told the notorious bully Andrew Riff that he is already perfect and should never let others’ opinions tell him whom he should be or what he should do. Riff, who has always genuinely relished that helpless anguished look of those weaker than him, said he had sought Somlet’s help last week because his peers made him question his sadistic lifestyle.

“Harassing and intimidating has been my second nature for as long as I can remember and I had a ball at it,” Riff said, “but recently people have been giving me disapproving looks and even saying I should be less of a bully and stuff. It really got to me, you know. I was conflicted. I worried that I was wrong. Gosh, I even felt a little ashamed of myself.”

Girl Hospitalized with Facebook Vaguelexia

Dulpit's last status update before hospitalization 

Oakland resident Laila Dulpit was forcibly hospitalized Wednesday with a severe case of Facebook vaguelexia, also known as vaguebooktitis, after posting “Not that all she ever needed wasn't sometimes mine or his either, too” on her Facebook. Doctors say that brain damage is so profound that she will likely remain forever incapable of posting anything anybody other than her can understand.

Dulpit’s friends said her irritatingly vague status updates such as “good to know you’re listening” and “so stressed out...will I ever do it?” started littering their news feeds about four months ago.