Sochi Referee Totally Blanks on Curling Rules

Freezing up just when he was needed most, Winter Olympics official, Charles Reese fell apart during the final moments of the Sochi men's curling qualifiers today. Evidently, Reese forgot to give out a yellow card or something when one of the um... the guy that slides off to the side at the end? That guy did something and the ref was like not doing something right or something? Anyway, this morning, Reese casts both his home country of the United States and, frankly, the whole world under a great and terrible shame.

Laziness Recognized as Mental Illness

Benjamin Zorich, recently hospitalized with a bout of laziness,
has been suffering from the disorder his entire life.

Laziness has achieved the status of a legitimate mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health committee that reviewed copious research studies announced this conclusion at a recent conference of the American Psychiatric Association.

“Laziness has always been perceived as a character flaw worthy of shame and punishment,” said Aaron Lipsnik, a historian of medicine and a member of the committee, adding that such attitude was a product of ignorance and equating it to the once-held belief that failure to pray causes typhoid fever. “With the aid of modern medicine we can finally help those afflicted by the illness to lead productive lives and achieve everything they want to.”

Vegetarians Fight for Right to Eat Meat

Numerous protests broke out on Pitt’s campus in the first week of the spring semester as a part of the Meat for Me movement. Indignant vegetarians, fed up with people telling them what they can or cannot do, are determined to reclaim their constitutional right.

“Just because I’m a vegetarian doesn’t mean that I can’t eat meat,” said Nancy Barometer, a Pitt junior and one of the organizers of the protests. “I’m sick of hearing people tell me I can’t do this or do that just because I belong to a minority group. This grave social injustice has to stop, and it has to stop now.”

Higgs Boson Missing

Higgs boson, the elusive elementary particle that took almost five decades to be found, was reported missing on the morning of January 1st. 

“It took me most of my life to find my little darling,” said Peter Higgs, the British theoretical physicist who initiated the search. “I’ve been losing sleep looking for her. I gave her my last name. We finally met one lovely evening at the Big Hadron Collider a year ago. I took her home and was happy.”

CBS Launches 'Relatable' New Sitcom

By Hannah Lynn

At a brainstorming meeting last week, CBS executive John Whiteface pitched an idea for a new television show, which he described as “full of potential.” The show, which Whiteface pitched with the working title “The Sitcom,” revolves around four twenty-something men, who are all roommates.

“It’s got some really great characters. You know, there’s the neurotic guy looking for love, the one with the big ego, the nerd, and the smooth guy who’s always coaching the others,” he explained

When asked what made this sitcom stand out, Whiteface cited its relatability. “They’re just four guys living their lives in the city. Everyone can get that,” he said. Dave Johnson, another executive at the meeting, asked Whiteface about what role diversity played in the show. “I just want to make sure we fill our quota,” he said. “Oh and being inclusive whatnot,” he quickly added. Whiteface assured him that one of the guys could definitely be black.

Local Boy Being Raised by Wolves Has Excellent Parent-Teacher Conference

Local fifth-grader and otherwise stand-up boy, Matthew Blake, breathed a sigh of relief today as his wolf-parents, Balto and Groin-Gnasher, found the teacher to be very polite to and complimentary about him. In an exclusive interview, Matt explained “Mom and Dad said my teacher, Mr. Rowanowsky, seemed tasty- er tastefully engaged with me and my studies. Mr. Rowanowsky didn’t even bring up the time I peed on all the other kids’ backpacks and then rubbed my armpit glands on the biggest kid in class to mark my new territory. Mom and Dad were worried that the humans wouldn’t like that but despite all the detentions he gave me, it seems like Mr. R is on my side!”

Desperate Student Resorts to Dissecting Himself during Anatomy Midterm

"The Pittiful News" Oscar Picks!

Best Picture

Spaghetti and Meatpucks
A down-on-his-luck pizzeria owner discovers he’s got a 100mph slap-shot… but only if he hits a sliced slab of frozen salami! Join Vincenzo the pizza guy in his quest to join the New York Islanders with the help of his trusty three foot leg of salami, Sasha the Salami, (voiced by James Earl Jones). An up-and-down zany dramedy with all the twist and turns of a fresh rotini noodle. Three cheers for Spaghetti and Meatpucks!

Movies to look out for in 2014

By Hannah Lynn

Noah: If there’s one thing this world does not need, it’s Darren Aronofsky telling the classic biblical tale of Noah and his ark. What’s next, Quentin Tarantino directs “Moses?”

Muppets Most Wanted: How about least wanted? There was maybe one person who requested a sequel to the Muppet movie.

The Amazing Spiderman 2: Didn’t this movie come out already?

Fifty Shades of Grey: I’m fifty shades of DONE with this book. I’m pretty sure the movie already exists; it’s called porn. Google it, idiots. If they make the whole trilogy I’m going to sue Stephenie Meyer for creating a monster.