Sochi Referee Totally Blanks on Curling Rules

Freezing up just when he was needed most, Winter Olympics official, Charles Reese fell apart during the final moments of the Sochi men's curling qualifiers today. Evidently, Reese forgot to give out a yellow card or something when one of the um... the guy that slides off to the side at the end? That guy did something and the ref was like not doing something right or something? Anyway, this morning, Reese casts both his home country of the United States and, frankly, the whole world under a great and terrible shame.

Norwegian curling legend and well-known rock-slider position guy, Flemming Davanger, explained, "This referee has insulted the entire curling community with such brazen stupidity. He blew his whistle and neglected to call the um... that penalty when the guy... um you know the guy on the side who does the stuff with those broom things? Well, he was totally... uh... well I can tell you, as a curling professional, I didn't like the way that the referee forgot to call a penalty on that at all."

Referee Charles Reese certainly had to account for his mistake appearing before the Sochi Olympic Board who reprimanded him severely. Board President, Arnold Blistz, rebuked Reese exclaiming "How could you, Mr. Reese? You know the rules! The ice has to be erm... swept properly... or something. You can't just let them - I mean - them, like those guys or um, guy in the middle. He's just. You've gotta call that, right?"

Charles Reese apologized to the players, their families, and the greater Olympic community for having been so disgraceful on the ice. In a press release edited by Reese's long-time friend and agent, Dr. Boris Gladwell, Reese pleads, "I'm sorry, everybody. There's no excuse for my actions when I forgot to blow my whistle when the one guy on the side moved that rock thing in the way that's not good - like when it's spinning kinda maybe or when it's too far or something like that? It was never my intention to let the game continue under such circumstance and I express my deepest gratitude to the Olympic Committee for having ever let me step forth on whatever we call the curling ice rink. 'The Broom Dome?' I don't know. That's what I've been calling it."