"The Pittiful News" Oscar Picks!

Best Picture

Spaghetti and Meatpucks
A down-on-his-luck pizzeria owner discovers he’s got a 100mph slap-shot… but only if he hits a sliced slab of frozen salami! Join Vincenzo the pizza guy in his quest to join the New York Islanders with the help of his trusty three foot leg of salami, Sasha the Salami, (voiced by James Earl Jones). An up-and-down zany dramedy with all the twist and turns of a fresh rotini noodle. Three cheers for Spaghetti and Meatpucks!

Spaghetti and Meatpucks 2: Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Deadsticks
The director’s cut of Spaghetti and Meatpucks featuring one love scene where the actor playing Vincenzo is still in the zombie makeup he had to wear for a ‘Walking Dead’ audition earlier that day.

Last Train to Dinosaur Peninsula
Originally titled “Last Boat to Dinosaur Island”, this Michael Bay epic following Shia LaBeouf’s romance with a stegosaurus ran out of money after three days shooting in Fiji. Michael Bay had to shoot the rest outside an AmTrak station near Tallahassee.

Happy Movie that Gets Sadder
I didn't know what to expect going into this film but was certainly taken on quite the roller coaster ride. Happy Movie that Gets Sadder starts out as a happy movie with happy people, but events occur and then the movie gets sadder. It ends up being pretty sad.

Палачинка (Bulgarian Pancake)
Originally debuting at Tribeca by mistake, this Bulgarian flapjack cooking instructional DVD was not intended to screen until a studio intern accidentally switched in its reel. Due to its foreign language content, the Academy deemed it worthwhile and deep.

Our Prediction
Spaghetti and Meatpucks director, George Allan, will accept the award regardless of whether or not his movie wins. Most likely, Allan will then lick all the envelopes so the presenters are grossed out and no other films can claim victory that night. He always pulls that kind of stuff and that’s why we love him.


Best Actor

Daniel Night Lewis in The Devil Wears Trendy Oven Mitts
Cap’n Parcy Hamlet of the notorious Black Ship Pirate League, played by Daniel Day Lewis’s evil twin, Daniel Night Lewis, has always wanted one thing: to be a hand model for the Macy’s kitchenwear catalog. However, after a tragic trout-grinding accident, Cap’n Hamlet is left with hooks for hands and hollow shells for dreams! Plotting a map to opportunity and setting the course for realization, Cap’n Hamlet replaces his hooks with two mozzarella slicers. Macy’s modeling agency is impressed but will he keep his crew’s respect with cheese graters for arms?

Johnny Depp in What’s Gilbert Grape Eating?
Johnny Depp captivates the audience as a young Gilbert Grape. At first, Depp consumes a seemingly-myriad eighty-seven combination pepperoni-cheese pizza bagels, but then with a change of heart and a little bit of encouragement from his little brother (Leo DiCaprio), Depp tries the Ritz cracker and onion dip as well.

Harrison Ford in Star Wars VIII: Blasty Blasty Boom Boom Lasers Blam
Sporting some of the greatest FX advancements in pew-pew laser zingies, Harrison Ford’s ability to fire his light-up thingie gun is pure movie magic.

Jeff Daniels in Newsy Lewis and the Hues
Taking the lead role in Aaron Sorkin’s experimental newsroom drama, Newsy Lewis and the Hues, brought along a great burden of expectation for Jeff Daniels. Not only did Jeff have to deliver believable news stories regarding fiscal crises to the tune of Huey Lewis’s hit “The Heart of Rock & Roll”, he had to do it while wearing a brightly-hued colorful vest. What a fantastic premise!

Santa Claus in Twilight Rider
Wow, blown away! Santa did an excellent job playing a brusque, but sensitive brothel owner during the nineteenth century San Francisco gold rush. The way his shaved beard revealed a chiseled jaw of Arctic gruffness, the way he coolly placed a Christmas ribbon on Sheriff Ned’s skull before blowing his brains out into the dry gulch, the way silver bells jingled in Santa’s pocket whenever he bumped uglies with his mistress, Sandy Dunes. Santa not only deserves an Oscar, but he deserves lifetime recognition for delivering such a masterful performance that simultaneously evokes the jolliness of his marshmallow personality and the blood of the Wild West.


Best Actress

Meryl Streep in National Geographic’s Closer Look: The Mating Habits of Emperor Penguins
Commitment – surely there is no other term to describe Meryl Streep’s choice to don an extra-large penguin costume, slowly integrate herself into a penguin flock, and court several male penguins all so National Geographic could learn more about the sexual habits of the Antarctic emperor. With the help of Meryl, a grotesque yet poignant half-penguin half-man (or “peng-man”) is formed and quickly shot by the director in order to preserve God’s natural decency. But above all, Meryl and these flightless bird soar on film.

Jennifer Lawrence in The Chronicles of Twitzel
Once Jennifer Lawrence staples her face to the headdress of Queen Yeti of the Sesame Trolls, I think we all knew where this film was going. That classic story of boy meets girl, girl exorcises Sasquatch carcass was definitely elevated to new dramatic heights with Jennifer Lawrence’s tried-and-true performance as a single mom of sixteen troll kinsmen from the future Hansok Dynasty. By the time J-Law utters her final battle cry ushering in the reign of the asthmatic dwarf legion known as the Lil’ Gaspies, the audience feels the film’s callback to that age-old Hollywood simplicity we all remember. An ultimately forgettable film but a memorable feeling indeed.

Natalie Portman in Alley Oopz
Basketball-playing alley cats with attitude? Sign me up! Natalie Portman plays the b-ball coach of a ragtag bunch of CGI feral tabbies who set their hearts on winning the state championship only to realize that they are not enrolled in high school. Portman quickly figures out these cats need to be schooled in the classroom before they school on the court, yo. Can Portman teach these crazy cats to talk, hold pencil, read, write, maintain streams of conscious thought, adapt to the circadian rhythm of human society, keep up a 2.0 academically viable GPA , use sporks in the cafeteria, understand algebra, comprehend the fundamentals of American civics so they can pass proficiency exams, walk on two legs so as not to stir suspicion when they enter examination areas, shave themselves so that they may appear humanoid during mandatory physical examinations prior to the basketball season, AND sink a jump shot? We’ll never know because the only existing reel of this film cuts off after twenty minutes.

Rachel McAdams in Madison’s Queef
Enter Madison, a sensible girl-next-door prepared to open up and explore every exciting nook and alluring cranny the world presents her. Madison has a timid smile with a glowing presence that reminds the moviegoer that love and beauty aren’t so much the dazzle of a bright dress, but the twinkle of a bright-eyed hello. All this would seem immaculate if it wasn’t for Madison’s only problem: she queefs whenever she sneezes. Rachel McAdams’s performance as a young woman with a pollen allergy living in the upper Midwest’s orchard country maintains the pacing and familiarity of a country romance but gains propulsion through a constant airstream of nasal irritation and vaginal burps daisy field after daisy field. Enjoy the movie while it lasts!


Best Wall-E Bloopers
Wall-E
The one where Wall-E touches a magnet and explodes.

Wall-E Special Edition
The one where Wall-E touches water and explodes.

Lee Daniels’ The Butler
The one where Oprah touches a magnet and explodes.

Wall-É, Spanish Language Cut
The one where Wall-E touches Jarritos and explodes.


Honorary Oscar

Satchel Smitz, legendary camera operator and caterer, has worked on many acclaimed films including The Muppets Take Siberia, Banana-y the Detective Monkey Who Frequently Holds Bananas As Monkeys Are Wont to Do, 8 Mile: Rick Ross’s Harrowing Journey to Complete a 13K Red Cross Fun Run, and Sewer Bees 2: Stinky Sting. His drive to see a project through to completion and tendency to spill hot coffee on himself have entertained directors and burn wards alike.