President Obama Forced to Explain the Debt Ceiling to Vice President Biden with Sock Puppets

In a last-ditch maneuver to help Vice President Biden understand the causes and implications of the national debt, President Obama resorted to putting on a one act sock puppet play entitled “Mr. Fuzzy Owes Fed. Chairman McDoodly” so that that the VP may finally understand the nation’s dire financial situation.

Looking for an Alternative to ObamaCare? Try BidenCare!

While the Affordable Care Act website undergoes maintenance due to a few glitches, Vice President Biden would like to remind voters that he himself established a federally-funded healthcare option in 1996 called Uncle Joe’s Cheap-Ass Doctor 9000.

Biden’s healthcare plan covers the following:

Google Translate Special Report: Federal Government Ropening

Pressed by deadlines, The Pittiful News hired Google Translate to write some of our more time-sensitive articles about the reopening of the federal government. Please, be patient with Google Translate. This is the best it could do.

            Good Sabbath, the Congresses have settled. Between Obama’s President and Paul’s Ryan both decide is not a-go the government. More news to say from the Parliamentary man, “It’s much of a problem but the a answer did appear.”

New Invention Revolutionizes Communication

“The age of pettiness has finally arrived!” began the Dutch scientist Bettina Sorger’s presentation at the PopTech conference held last week in Camden, Maine.

In 2012, Sorger’s team at Maastricht University developed a mind-reading system that allows people to type without moving or speaking, thereby making communication with completely paralyzed people possible. The team’s newest gizmo, however, is undeniably far more beneficial to humanity.

Developing the Proper Reading of a Children's Classic

The National Endowment for the Humanities (NEH) recently awarded Ted Vrenkel, a University of Pittsburgh graduate student in the Department of English, a $50,000 grant in the field of American literature. The modest sum will fund Vrenkel’s current research project titled “Gleksonian dynamics of intrapersonal diffraction in ‘The Cat in the Hat,’” an innovative analysis of the classic but commonly misunderstood children’s book by Dr. Seuss.

“This seminal work of American pre-postmodernism has traditionally been analyzed using the Flennon-Psanti trans-metaromantic approach with traces of technocratic multi-variability,” Vrenkel explained, “but that approach disregards the third quasi-differential modality of Dr. Seuss’s anthropomorphic cat. My comprehensive analysis factors in all of that plus the cylindrical post-Einsteinian integrability of the cat’s hat, thereby promising the most thorough understanding of the book.”

Woman sent to hospital, family blames Miley Cyrus

Linda Simmons, a 46-year-old mother of two, was sent to the hospital earlier this week after she hurt herself rolling her eyes too hard at Miley Cyrus. After hearing Cyrus’ newly released album “Bangerz,” Simmons rolled her eyes with such disdain that they would not return to their natural state.

Her daughter, 15-year-old Susie Simmons is worried about her mother’s condition. “When I was little, she always told me that if I kept rolling my eyes like that, they would stay that way. Why didn’t she listen to her own advice? WHY?” said Susie.

Simmons, like many moms across the country, has been disgusted with the pop star’s recent provocative behavior from the VMAs to her Rolling Stone cover. While most teenagers seem to be indifferent, mothers cannot seem to help bringing up the issue everywhere from family dinners to book clubs. “She really seems to hate this Molly fellow, so I don’t know why she keeps bringing them up,” said her husband, Phil. “I’m more of Selena Gomez fan myself,” he added.

Susie suspects her mother’s injury might be due to the fact that she is still mourning the death of Hannah Montana. “I mean, I miss her too but everyone has to move on at some point,” she said.

Simmons remains stable, but has not been able to look away from the ceiling for almost two weeks. As of now, doctors have not found a cure for Linda’s condition, but they hope to create an antidote before it plagues others across the nation.