New Invention Revolutionizes Communication

“The age of pettiness has finally arrived!” began the Dutch scientist Bettina Sorger’s presentation at the PopTech conference held last week in Camden, Maine.

In 2012, Sorger’s team at Maastricht University developed a mind-reading system that allows people to type without moving or speaking, thereby making communication with completely paralyzed people possible. The team’s newest gizmo, however, is undeniably far more beneficial to humanity.

“Our revolutionary device, called EverybodyCares, allows you to ‘tweet’ by the sheer power of thought,” she announced to the audience’s standing ovation and tweeting. As Sorger smiled and gave thumbs-up, the words “They like it!” appeared on her Twitter feed displayed behind her.

“We were mere brutes,” she went on excitedly, “when we couldn’t instantly share every inconsequential thought and observation that crossed our minds. Suppose you don’t have your phone on you or your hands are busy when you see a cute puppy or have a brilliant thought. You’ll probably forget to tell your friends about it and they will never know how funny and clever you really are. Luckily, EverybodyCares will make that horror a thing of the past.”

The device weighs seven pounds and fits neatly into a large backpack; one wire connects it to the user’s smartphone, another—to the temples. It might be bulky, but Sorger assured that peer pressure and low self-esteem would soon force every cool person to buy an EverybodyCares. Posting a tweet with the device is simple: all you need to do is think the text of the tweet to yourself followed by something to the effect of “Ah damn I wish everyone knew that.”

The news quickly spread beyond the conference and received praise from social critics.

“This is huge,” said Kevin Menlemnen, a world-renowned plumber. “This is more revolutionary than the invention of the printing press. Childish notions like ‘value’ and ‘importance’ used to censor and therefore hinder the spread of information. EverybodyCares is a new chapter in mankind’s progress.”

Recognizing the necessity of the device for the populace, the U.S. government announced 97% funding cuts for the “expensive but useless” medical research in order to fund the development of EverybodyCares.

“The profound advancement in society that the advent of reality TV once brought about is nothing compared to the tremendous potential that EverybodyCares harbors,” a federal official explained.

Foreseeing a question from “those who don’t get it,” Sorger also announced a crucial feature of the device.

“Since nobody will have the time to read all of your countless tweets, EverybodyCares will automatically ‘like’ them from different people’s accounts in a random manner,” she said. “That way, you’ll think that somebody actually reads that garbage.”