Editorial: Only Way To Stop Bad Guy With Suicide Vest Is Good Guy With Suicide Vest

By Phil Forrence

The term existential threat is not one I understand. However, the recent attacks in Paris demonstrate ISIS poses an immense existential threat to the United States. Suicide bombers force security guards to play a decidedly less-charming version of 'Where's Waldo?' at every high volume football game and concert. ISIS exploits the difficult-to-detect terror strategy of lining explosives inside previously non-explosive sweater vests.

When it was found that Americans were shooting each other with guns, we as a country understood that the best way to solve this problem was to introduce no new legislation and suggest more guns be added to the situation. Give good guys guns. Lower the amount of gun deaths. Now we must use this lesson learned, and apply it to explosive sleeveless sweaters.

Every child, woman, and man who loves America should be allowed to purchase a protective suicide vest. Yes, a protective suicide vest. They should come in all shapes and sizes. When the terrorists show up to the local Hooters or your son's tee-ball game expecting to destroy everything in the area, you can catch them unawares with your very own explosive rib cage. Word will spread throughout terrorist organizations everywhere that America is not a country to fuck with. Word will spread. The Islamic state will no longer be able to carry out its incognito attacks. America will be safe. America will be safe.

Although some may deem it drastic and others may too, this measure will ensure terrorists don't get the edge. We can beat ISIS. The solution must come from within.