The Inside Scoop: Pittiful News Meeting Notes

By Will Connor

It has come to my attention that some people do not, in fact, attend Pittiful News meetings. What a tragedy! I can hardly imagine how these people live! But I have decided that, as is my duty as a journalist, I will chronicle the goings-on of this great news establishment on the nights of Monday and Thursday.

• I arrive at 8:55. Pretty empty tonight. We discuss our lives.
• Holly arrived at precisely 9:00. The meeting began at 9:01 with one of the new members pitching an article about the elevators. It was a pretty funny concept, actually!
• Oh hey, Cassandra has an apple.
• Hannah doesn’t have any pitches today.
• You know, I haven’t had an apple in a really long time…
• Ben reads an article about sport. Not sports, sport. And about the Pitt News.
• Good idea for the picture: an artist’s rendition of “the photo” they use!
• God, I wish I had an apple.
• She’s eating it now.
• I haven’t been able to bite into an apple in two years. It’s been so long.
• I can hear the crunch and the flow of the juices coming from that sweet, sweet fruit. I crave an apple of my own.
• Oh, me? Nah sorry guys, nothing today. When are articles due? Thursday? Okay, cool.
• My God, I need an apple so bad right now.
• You see, dear reader, two years ago, I broke one of my front teeth, and since then I haven’t been able to bite into an apple.
• What sort of cruel world must I live in where I cannot partake in the joy of an apple? What is life without this terrific fruit?
• We’re discussing someone else’s pitch. I guess it wasn’t too great, but people are starting to laugh a bit, so it’s going somewhere.
• Oh hey, that is a cool idea! Nice one, Phil!
• You know, the back of my iPhone has that little apple logo on it… Makes me want an apple even more…
• Fuck it, I’m eating my phone.
• This doesn’t taste very good.
• Why is everyone looking at me? …they noticed, didn’t they? I don’t feel so good.

And that’s all for this meeting! Come back next month for more of the inside scoop!

The writer of this article cannot currently be contacted electronically. He can be reached in person at UPMC in the emergency ward being treated for mercury poisoning and consumption of an electronic device.