Woman who doesn't lock public bathroom door killed by her own naïveté

By Hannah Lynn

On Monday, tragedy struck as 19-year-old Shelly Koch was killed in an apparent wolf attack in a public bathroom at an Olive Garden restaurant. Investigations are underway by local police and animal to figure out the cause of death as well as how a wild wolf entered unnoticed into an Olive Garden.

Police Officer Willy Wallace believes that Koch left the bathroom door unlocked and is therefore partially responsible. “Look, I’m not saying it’s her fault a wolf attacked her in an Olive Garden, but those locks are there for a reason,” he said.

Clarissa Clearwater, a patron who was in line for the bathroom, witnessed to the incident in its entirety. “It was crazy, the wolf just came out of nowhere and burst into the bathroom!” she said. “And frankly I find it hard to believe that this wolf didn’t see me waiting in line. I still haven’t peed!”

When asked whether she feels sympathy for Koch, Clearwater indicates a similar belief to Wallace. “I knocked because I was not raised in the woods, but what kind of psycho doesn’t lock a public bathroom door?” she said.

The wolf was sedated by animal control but unfortunately it was too late for Koch. Both carcasses have been removed and the bathroom will re-open as soon as possible. Olive Garden requests that female use the restroom across the street at California Pizza Kitchen. Olive Garden also requests that female patrons stop trying to use the intact men’s bathroom because it’s causing too much commotion among customers.