Yet Another Résumé-Enhancing Honor Society Comes to Pitt

The official emblem of the Alpha Alpha Alpha Alpha Honor Society

Alpha Alpha Alpha Alpha, a yet another collegiate honor society, announced in a press release that this fall it will open chapters in 50 new colleges and universities, including Pitt. “Seeing our past success in enhancing résumés and self-esteem, we wanted to spread our reach to more students in need,” the press release stated.

Joseph Mblo, the Prime President-Elect of Pitt’s chapter, said that AAAA is no different from any other honor society.

“You know, we admit anybody with a GPA above 3.5—oh wait, it’s 3.0 now, because we strive for diversity and inclusion—to recognize and honor their academic achievement,” Mblo said. “We call our beer-guzzling nitwits ‘scholars’ and do vague things like foster student community engagement, provide quality leadership opportunities and forums for the open-minded exchange of ideas, and cultivate a lifelong habit of critical inquiry and scholastic excellence. Although many of these involve pizza, sitting around, and designing t-shirts, don’t be fooled by appearances: it’s not what we do that matters, but why we do it.”

“The objective of the Society is to advance its own visibility and reputation, which might sound like a closed loop of meaninglessness but is totally not,” said Gwen Wumpa, the Honorary Vice Executive Secretary of AAAA, “and the benefits of being a member are many and precious. They embody the Society’s spirit of academic excellence, the spirit that makes students join AAAA. ”

According to the Society’s website, these benefits are: knowing that you’re in AAAA and being able tell others about it; certificate of lifelong membership, copies of which are sent to your parents and grandparents; opportunity to buy an AAAA key pin, badge, baseball cap, and t-shirt; society seal placed on your diploma, transcript, tombstone, and wherever else you damn please; society’s emblem tattooed on your forehead; and membership announced at your graduation ceremony through a goddamn megaphone.

Asked how many Pitt students have already responded to invitation letters, Daniel Pentik, AAAA’s Chief Managing Officer of Intercommunal Communications, said that the Society’s mission is to recognize and promote high scholarship and quality networking and leadership. “We strive to foster an enduring commitment to zealous pursuit of wisdom, honor and integrity in our members,” he said.