First-Grade Teacher Fired Over Not Knowing Everything

Nicole Blismuth, a first-grade teacher at Riverton Elementary School in Riverton, Pa, was fired “with a loud friggin’ bang” over not knowing everything, school officials said. The shameful incompetence came to light only in the closing weeks of the school year.

“It all began when the parents of one of her students called us and complained that their child was getting on their nerves with questions about the smell of the Moon and texture of the rainbow,” said the school’s principal Joe Koomva. “Naturally, parents demanded to know what their child’s teacher was wasting class time on if even such basic questions were left unanswered.”

The school began a full-blown investigation and tested Blismuth for hours. The results, Koomva said, were worse than just disappointing.

“It was horrible,” he said. “She didn’t know whether Spiderman would beat Batman, or why monkeys don’t evolve into humans, or why burghers don’t grow on trees. She didn’t know what thoughts are made of or how trees and mountains poop. My goodness, she couldn’t even estimate the length of 726 school buses placed head to tail or the weight of three minutes. We don’t want such amateurs teaching our kids.”

Robert Kip, a spokesperson for the U.S. Department of Education, said that the incident cannot be taken lightly and will trigger nationwide retesting of pre-K to 5th grade teachers.

“Kindergarten teachers must know everything, be able to do everything, be invincible and perfect in all ways so as to provide the children’s struggling mind with the image of a one-dimensional perfect human being that their parents no longer seem to be around this age,” Kip said. “If they don’t even know why they are real or who made water wet, what hope is there for the future?”