Medal-less Olympians to Receive Consolation Trophies

LAUSANNE, Switzerland — Olympic Parents of America (OPA) has succeeded in pleading the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to award trophies to the their sweetie-pie Olympians who came back from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics without a medal, according to a statement released by the IOC on Monday.

The petition was submitted when parents of medal-less Olympians began to notice how demoralized their little pumpkins appeared once the Games were over and everyone went back to not caring about winter sports. The petition’s authors lamented that there was nothing shiny to remind their children of their inherent brilliance and uniqueness because the honor of being selected to compete with the world’s top athletes “ain’t worth shit” and has the demeaning implication that some people are better than others at certain things, whether due to genetics or hard work.

Child Not Answering Call is Dead or Dying, Parents Think

Update: the tiny pink slice shouldn't be there
Image source: www.cynical-c.com

Researchers at Harvard University announced on Tuesday that the results of their study of the reaction of parents to their children’s not answering their phone, published in January in Journal of Family Psychology, were partially wrong, and parents actually never think that their child didn't pick up the phone because of not hearing it or because the battery was dead.

According to the study, when their child didn't answer their call, parents attributed this to the child’s dying 50% of the time, to the child’s being dead 49.5% of the time, and to the child’s not hearing the phone or the phone’s battery having run out 0.5% of the time, as shown in the chart. Reanalysis of raw data showed the latter 0.5% to be the result of an error in calculations and therefore does not represent actual parental reactions.

Pittiful News Reporter Fired for Fabricaiton

Dear readers,

We are (not) sorry to inform you that Richard Damey, a former Pittiful News reporter and writer, has been forever dismissed from the staff. Several of Damey’s articles were found to contain fabricated quotes and sources—a heinous crime in journalism. Damey admitted to have thought that he was being witty by making up quotes, that he was using a lie to show the truth, but to us it was still just a lie.

We here at the Pittiful News strive for quality investigative and news reporting, which in turn requires wholehearted commitment to the highest standards of journalism. Damey has violated these standards and thus your trust in us. We are truly sorry for this, and his dismissal is meant to show you where our loyalties and values really are. Our team of detail-obsessed professional fact-checkers has already begun attending an extensive series of fact-checking workshops focusing on catching the smallest inaccuracies before they reach the print again. We take these matters seriously and don’t want another smart-ass like Damey to undermine our reputation for hundred-percent truth.

We apologize yet again and promise to do all in our power to not let an incident like this happen in the future.

Sincerely,
The Pittiful News Staff  

EPA, Obama to American Public: 'We've Run Out of Animal Bloopers'

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Troubling. Absolutely troubling. Another global environmental crisis looms on the horizon today as President Obama has stepped forward to notify American citizens the terrible news we all have suspected for quite some time: the world is out of animal bloopers.

You Are Sick, Weak, Need Help, Experts Say

You—yes, you—are indeed mentally sick, weak, and need help, stated a group of mental health experts totally not at all affiliated with the pharmaceutical industry in a special report published on Friday. The report is based on a many-year study of your deeply dysfunctional cognition, behavior, emotional responses, and psyche at large, and confirms your suspicions that your reactions to seemingly ordinary circumstances are sufficiently pathological for a mental diagnosis.

PETA Announces: "No, seriously. Screw Mosquitoes"

NORFOLK, Virginia -- In a landmark press release just today, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals officially renewed its commitment to protecting all forms of wildlife... minus the mosquito. The statement read, "Although our organization has been protecting wild and domestic life for the greater part of thirty years, our work is far from finished. PETA will always side on behalf of our disenfranchised animal companions. Except the mosquito. Screw that thing."

First-Grade Teacher Fired Over Not Knowing Everything

Nicole Blismuth, a first-grade teacher at Riverton Elementary School in Riverton, Pa, was fired “with a loud friggin’ bang” over not knowing everything, school officials said. The shameful incompetence came to light only in the closing weeks of the school year.

“It all began when the parents of one of her students called us and complained that their child was getting on their nerves with questions about the smell of the Moon and texture of the rainbow,” said the school’s principal Joe Koomva. “Naturally, parents demanded to know what their child’s teacher was wasting class time on if even such basic questions were left unanswered.”

Yet Another Résumé-Enhancing Honor Society Comes to Pitt

The official emblem of the Alpha Alpha Alpha Alpha Honor Society

Alpha Alpha Alpha Alpha, a yet another collegiate honor society, announced in a press release that this fall it will open chapters in 50 new colleges and universities, including Pitt. “Seeing our past success in enhancing résumés and self-esteem, we wanted to spread our reach to more students in need,” the press release stated.

Joseph Mblo, the Prime President-Elect of Pitt’s chapter, said that AAAA is no different from any other honor society.

“You know, we admit anybody with a GPA above 3.5—oh wait, it’s 3.0 now, because we strive for diversity and inclusion—to recognize and honor their academic achievement,” Mblo said. “We call our beer-guzzling nitwits ‘scholars’ and do vague things like foster student community engagement, provide quality leadership opportunities and forums for the open-minded exchange of ideas, and cultivate a lifelong habit of critical inquiry and scholastic excellence. Although many of these involve pizza, sitting around, and designing t-shirts, don’t be fooled by appearances: it’s not what we do that matters, but why we do it.”