Obituaries for Sims Presidential Candidates

By Ossia Dwyer

The Pittiful News is sad to announce the loss of Sim Hillary Clinton. She was swimming when Bill deleted the ladder so he could woohoo with the maid.

The loss of Sim Bernie Sanders seemed inevitable but luckily his hoard of college age supporters seduced the grim reaper and Sim Sanders has been given the trait of eternal life.

Sim Jeb Bush perished in a freak accident. His brother, Sim George Bush, was trying to cook something fancy without the right cooking skill and left Sim Jeb to put out the flames.

We are forced to report on the death of Sim Ben Carson. He chose to transform into a ghost so that he could scare children at night.

We lost the great Sim Chris Christie early this afternoon. He ate an expired meatball sandwich he found on the ground.



The Pittiful News has received reports that Sim Ted Cruz has perished. Someone had put a vat of maple syrup in front of a doorway and refuses to move it because that would confirm he is actually Canadian

In a bizarre twist of fate, Sim Carly Fiorina passed away today. When attempting to sabotage fellow candidate Sim Hillary Clinton, she entered the Clinton’s home dressed as a maid and was smothered to death by Sim Bill Clinton’s coolness.

Sim Jim Gilmore was lost earlier today. When loading his game file he received the error “File not known.”

Unfortunately Sim John Kasich died earlier this week. None of the other candidates would talk to him and his social need fell too low.

In a freak accident, Sim Marco Rubio was killed yesterday. He was killed by a falling satellite.

Sim Donald Trump was murdered today. This is the first known Sims murder.