Obama Pardons Coddled Thanksgiving Turkey

By Phil Forrence 

The tradition of U.S Presidents pardoning the First Turkey every Thanksgiving is an amusing institution with uncertain, if not mythical roots. Many believe it began in 1924 when Calvin Coolidge, tired of eating his wife's famous Turkey Butt dish, officially allowed the game to go free. Since that year, the president always allows one lucky bird to abstain from the annual genocide of its kind.

However, never has there been a more undeserving fowl to receive this treatment than 2015's Darius J Turkey III. Darius is a trust fund poult who was raised free-range in the South of France on a farm owned by the lovechild of Marilyn Monroe and Denny's CEO John C. Miller. Since his hatching, he has been waited on wing and talon.

“Yeah I got the dodge, but I think I speak for turkeys everywhere when I say that I deserved it.” Turkey explains between lines of coke, “We live in a society where only the strong survive, and if that means I am a free bird when others get the axe, so be it.” When pressed to clarify his statement, J-Turks threw up all over the many microphones.

The application process to be the pardoned turkey is one fraught with corruption. It considers recommendations, resumes, and the votes from last season's American Idol Top 8. Many recent winners have been accused of winning due to having influential turkey parents while others were said to have gotten the edge after rave reviews from Keith Urban and Jennifer Lopez.

Darius J Turkey III is just one of many examples of how a flawed system can make a mockery of a once proud tradition.