New Therapy Bees “Less Effective” Than Therapy Dogs, Some Say

By Jake Muldowney

Most Pitt students have, at one point or another, gone to the therapy dog sessions at the Cathedral of Learning. Frolicking puppies are often just what students need to make it through a stressful week of class, or recover from a long weekend of binge drinking and devil worship. Therapy dogs, however, are often challenging to train and in very high demand. Pitt administration, wanting only the best for its students, have thus implemented a new initiative: therapy bees.

“It turns out that there is literally nothing preventing someone from calling any old swarm of bees a valuable therapy tool” said Beatrice Apia, who is currently spearheading the program. “So, on every Thursday, we are now proud to say we will be releasing between 1 and 3 thousand of these adorable little buzzers into the lobby, stairways and bathroom stalls of the Cathedral of Learning! Developing a close relationship with bees is one of the most important things in life, as one day, we will likely live together as equals.”

While Ms. Apia is buzzing with excitement, some students are unhappy with this new development. When pressed for comment, Freshman Leon Carpenter told the Pittiful News “OH MY GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE, THE BEES ARE IN MY HAIR, PLEASE STOP THIS.” Other students are more receptive to their bee brethren. Senior Mark O’Donnell told us “I was very nervous before the Bee Release today, but once Ms. Apia introduced me to Zzyzyzax, God-Queen of the Great Bee Swarm, I really picked up on the vibe of what was going on here.” O’Donnell’s mouth then opened widely, gushing forth a tide of black and yellow insects.