.jpg)
Kampuss
Kutie with Sean Harrington
November 14th, 2015; 3:22:13 PM to 3:56:07 PM
Location:
Second floor of the Bagel Factory/Coffee Tree Roasters on Forbes and
Craig
Pittiful
News’s BD Wahlberg: Welcome everybody at home, uh, to the
Pittiful News Kampuss Kutie, ‘with the K’s and the Puss.’ Uh we
have with us today Mistmonsieur Sean Harrington. Uh, he is coming out
of the, uh, the uh, he’s been out of the lime light for a good
number of years now, after what we would call a, we’d call it a
scandal?
Sean
Harrington: Yeah, um, yeah!
PN: It’s
a scandal. Now he’s given us the exclusive privilege of doing this
Kampuss Kutie interview here at the Pittiful News. So, um, before we
get into the whole details of what happened, some years ago, you want
to tell us a little more about why, about why you’re willing to
let us here at the Pittiful News, you know, talk to you, talk to you-
why are you giving your story to us?
SH: Well,
Ben, I’ve been inspired by your work.
PN: Who
wouldn’t be?
SH: I
think your last work with the Kampuss Kutie was phenomenal.
PN: Kat
Brewer, everybody! Will be, uh, well we, we don’t want to spoil it-
Go on.
SH: And
the quality of the journalism at The Pittiful News does? It’s just
beyond any description. I cannot describe to you how good…the
quality of The Pittiful News is- I really can’t. It’s- it’s
something else.
PN: One
would even say there are words on every page.
SH: There
are words. Yes.
PN: So I
think that’s really valid, um, not giving it to some other,
alterior (sic) publication, we’re really honoured, uh. Now a lot of
people really feel betrayed. They really feel like, they’ve,
they’ve, that you lost their trust.
SH: Mhm.
PN: That
you were you were a national treasure, and now a recluse, living in
utter shame, hiding away, and we’re really honoured to have you
with us. You know, like you may, you may be able to redeem yourself
today. So, let’s jump right into it: You want to tell us what
happened, you know, when? You know, who, who all was involved? I
want, we want to hear ‘your side of the story.’
SH: Well,
I don’t want to name names. Uh-
PN: Well
we do.
SH: It,
it, it was just a lab accident. Okay? I mean, things happen when you
when you study butterfly vaginas, I, you can’t-
PN: Butterfly
vaginas!
SH: It’s
uh-
PN: How’d
you get into butterfly vaginas?
SH: Well,
I like vaginas and I like butterflies, It just-
PN: Who
doesn’t?
SH: Yeah,
it was the pefect combination of them.
PN: Now,
Sean was, as, uh, everybody knows, America’s treasure, the, the
butterflyvaginaologist, of the age, of the century, of, dare we say?
The millennium?
SH: Yes,
yes, I can go with saying that.
PN: I
think we dare say that.
SH: We can
say that, I feel.
PN: Now,
now, we all know you were working in the lab, uh you had a few lab
mates, studying butterfly vaginas. You want to tell us, uh, from
your angle, what…went, say, wrong?
SH: Well,
if- I don’t want to put an exact on when it went wrong, but I think
an incorporation of a flamethrower to the desanitizing of the
chamber, was probably what caused…at least in part...the issue. How
I got the flamethrower, however is not, not up to me to
decide, I, I blame it on the, um, the university.
PN: Blame
here of flamethrowers if often moved around from side to side, it’s,
it’s a political third rail, really comes told. Now, here with us,
an example of that third rail, of flamethrowers as desanitization
really being approached. Now, who do you, you want to blame the
university for you pulling out a flamethrower? Now remember that, a
lot was at stake, about these findings, you know, what if, if this
experiment had gone right, what would it have mattered for the
university, for the world at large, for science, for the future of
human kind?
SH: You
know-
PN: I’m
sure it would have meant a lot.
SH: It
means so much, it’s, it’s hard to put in non-technical jargon
what the significance of the studying-
PN: Do you
have some jargon? Some jargon, we love jargon.
SH: Well-
PN: There’s
a proud history of jargon out there. From the smallest buzzwords to
the largest…buzzwords. Jargon at its finest comes in butterfly
vagina study. We’d like to hear some of that jargon, and then I’ll
put it in laymen’s terms,
SH: Well,
the, uh-
PN: Laypeople,
sorry-
SH: Well,
we were studying how the, um… how the butterflies mate. We found
that the, um, the female will literally eat the sperm, the
spermatophore, the technical term, that, um, the butterfly presents
to the female. And we, when you take it weight by weight, uh the
spermatophore of the male butterfly, is probably about 15% of the
female’s weight, of the male’s weight, sorry. And it’s gonna be
basically, you, you, a human ejaculating…about 30 pounds in one go,
and, really, we wanted to see if that was possible.
PN: Now
because, if that, if one butterfly could ejaculate 30, 30, 30,
what?
SH: 30
percent of its weight-
PN: 30
percent, uh, then we could cure cancer. And it’s as simple as that.
SH: It is.
It’s as simple as that.
PN: It’s
as simple as-
SH: It is
as simple as that.
PN: A cure
for cancer was stripped away from the world, cuz of one
flamethrower.
SH: Mhm.
SH: Mhm.
PN: Sort
of had a responsibility to carry out this butterfly mating process,
make sure that we could cure cancer with butterfly semen.
SH: Yes.
PN: Waagh.
We can see why everybody feels very betrayed?
SH: Yes,
I, yes, I can understand. I-I-
PN: But
this is your chance, this is your chance to redeem yourself.
SH: We, we
did our best, at trying to, I think, learn the correlation between
massive amounts of sperm and cancer. We really tried. And-
PN: I
promise you they were on to something. We all know they were on to
something.
SH: We
were; we were. And-
PN: A man
doesn’t hide for 5 years for nothing. It’s okay. All we want
to hear is why you destroyed the cure for cancer of you butterfly
vaginal semen-
SH: Well-
PN: -With a
flamethrower. It’s all we want to know.
SH: It was
just- We were under a lot of stress. Trying to cure cancer is a very
stressful situation. And, um, we really wanted to publish, and we
just wanted to clean the lab as soon as we could, and the most
effective way is through incineration.
PN: True,
true. We have an incineration specialist in the audience today. We’d
like to bring them, for uh, on for a moment, really speak about
incineration at its finest, the need for incineration, and if, uh,
incineration was really required in this case. Can we please have our
incinerationologist? Everyone give him a warm round of applause!
Joining us today, joining us now, right in the middle, he wants to be
in the middle. (To Sean: Don’t leave, don’t leave the limelight,
we definitely need you.) Now get on in there.
(Danial
Burnman enters)
SH: Pop a
squat.
PN: You want
to pop a squat? Get on there. You want to introduce yourself?
Daniel
Burnman: (Greeting Sean: Hi, how you doing?) Hi, my name
is Danial.
PN: Danial!
DB: Danial.
PN: Danial
Burnman! Danial, please tell us, is this a case when incineration
was necessary, it was necessary this happened, that we destroyed the
cure for cancer-
DB: Well-
PN: -Out of
butterfly vagina semen?
DB: I’m
sure in the situation it was very complicated and complex, but I
personally, I don’t see a need for it, and I…circumstances- It
seems over the top and unnecessary!
SH: Well
you weren’t there!
PN: Hmm!
Heating up.
DB: I just
don’t, I mean, I just don’t see how you could possibly justify
that.
SH: Well,
have you tried cleaning an entire chamber of horny butterflies? And,
they, they-
PN: Cheat
out, cheat out, cheat out!
SH: Do you
even understa-
PN: Tell
them at home.
SH:
Butterflies are extremely horny, and it, it gets wild in there,
it, it’s, it’s like a frat house in there, and it, you just have
no time, you don’t want to be there at all, you don’t. It’s
gross. Would you want, your like day to be covered in sperm? I don’t
think so.
DB: I just
think there are better ways. Other than flamethrowers. Perhaps that
wouldn’t destroy everything.
SH: It
didn’t destroy everything- it just destroyed the cure for cancer.
DB: Maybe
some Windex? That wouldn’t destroy the cure for cancer. Right?
SH: What?
DB: That
should get the job done.
PN: Should’ve
gotten the job done, Windex.
SH: Windex?
PN: Now
we’re not here to attack you on what the media has attacked you on
for five years. Thank you so much Dan Burnman!
DB: Of
course.
PN: Thank
you so much, we’ll see you again in the future. Uh, we almost
always need a burn expert.
(Danial
Burnman leaves.)
PN: Now, as I
said, I mean, we’re not here to about what you already been
attacked about. You’ve already defended yourself on a lot of
fronts, but there’s some people out there who have come up with a
conspiracy that maybe, maybe you were hiding something by destroying
butterflies.
SH: Mhm,
mhm.
PN: That there
was something else going on there that you had caught wind of? I
mean, if there’s a secret here, it’s the time to share.
SH: Well,
I guess this is as good a time as any. We, we, in our research of
butterfly semen sex vaginas cure for cancer, we discovered that, um,
well it was something extra-terrestrial- I can’t get into
specifics, we didn’t, we didn’t-
PN: Extra.
Terrestrial. Just like the conspiracy therists have said-
conspiracy theorists have said for so long: extra-terrestrial.
Go on!
SH: I, I
can’t go into details, I’m not an extra-terrestrialologist. But
what we could tell is, that, um, the butterflies would die and then
come back as zombie life. And at first we thought this was just the
beginning of, you know, like-
PN: The
cure for cancer-
SH: The
cure for cancer, yeah. But then…they would organize. And we, and we
lost an undergrad actually in the process, but you know, we don’t
talk about that.
PN: We do
talk about that, actually.
SH: Undergrads
aren’t important, let’s be real here.
PN: Now, it’s
always been assumed that you had murdered-
SH: Let’s
establish this first! Undergraduates are not important
PN: Yep,
yeah, you know what? That’s why you’ve never gone to jail over
this. It’s just been assumed as collateral damage of the
flamethrower incident.
SH: It’s
common knowledge, that if you work in a lab as an undergraduate,
you’re probably going to die and no one will care, even you
parents.
PN: It’s
like being an intern at a radio station.
SH: No
one cares. No one cares.
PN: Now, you
say that this was an extra-terrestrial, extra-terrestrial situation
with these butterflies, in your process to cure cancer out of
butterfly vagina semens, uh aliens got involved. Were aliens there
from the start? You found out about the aliens, you had to go into
hiding for five years to cover up the aliens?
SH: Really,
I want- Really I can’t cover up the aliens, they kind of run the
show.
PN: Hmm.
You’re saying the aliens kept you off of the media to hide their
existence? Are you worried about the implications of revealing the
aliens today on The Pittiful News?
SH: Well,
they seem to have it under control. The, uh, the implications, this
issue of the butterfly cancer sex aliens, but I- I feel that there’s
something external going on, that I can’t control and that I had to
leave. It, it correlated with, though, with the beginning of, um, the
discussion of who would replace Chancellor Nordenberg. So I’m not
throwing any names out there-
PN: Sad,
sad state of affairs.
SH: Not
throwing any names out there, but, um, Chancellor Gallagher-
PN: Chancellor
Gallagator, by the way, a real, secret lizard. Shedding his skin
around campus. We will be with that story at another time. It has no
place within our Kampuss Kutie.
SH: Well,
just, we feel that he has some sort of connection with this, but I
can’t really deny it, or really anything, it’s just, I’m just
proposing ideas.
PN: Now you’re
saying, that the aliens got involved, that Gallagator, Chancellor
Gallagator, brought himself into the process with the aliens-
SH: Mhm,
yes.
PN: And
polluted the data that was going to cure the butterfly semen cancer
vaginas-
SH: Yes.
PN: And that’s
why you incinerated all of them-
SH: Yes.
PN: And the
intern died, which is not relevant, not particularly important-
SH: No,
not important at all.
PN: Hh, I
understand why you went into hiding for five years.
SH: Yes,
it’s totally not my fault at all. Not whatsoever.
PN: No one
would blame you.
SH: I did
not show up drunk to lab one day and get my hands on a flamethrower
and just had fun. I didn’t, that did not happen at all.
PN: No one
is thinking that you showed up drunk to lab and-
SH: I’m
not drunk now.
PN: He is
not drunk right now. Our Kampuss Kutie is not-
SH: Nope,
I am not drunk, I could a hundred percent say that this is not a very
strong drink.
PN: It’s
not a strong drink.
SH: It’s
not a strong drink.
PN: He’s
not drunk. Now, I hear, we know that you are, uh, and thank
you for sharing with the audience at home, audience here, are we
happy about the story? Do you buy this?
Will Doubter:
I just have one question, personally.
PN: We have a
question. We have a personal question. Yeah, nice and loud so the,
uh, recorder will hear you.
WD: You
say you were trying to cover up all of this evidence, then how do you
explain the basket of pineapples, totally unburnt right next to the
incinerations?
PN: Most
conspiracy theories do hinge on the existence of the basket of
unburnt pineapples next to the incinerated, possible cure, but
actually secretly alien technology that was going to zombify
everybody-
SH: Yes-
PN:
-Butterflies-
SH: -Semen-
PN: -Semen
vaginas.
SH: Semen
vaginas, yes.
PN: How do you
explain, the pineapples? Put our conspiracy theories to rest.
SH: Well…Can
you explain the moon?
PN: We’ve
had articles explaining the moon! Okay? Haha, as if, as if we need
to, um, explain…the moon.
SH: Could
you?
PN: Yeah,
well, uh, it’s up there, uh we know cuz we’ve, uh, we’ve been
up there.
SH: You
can’t prove that.
PN: Well,
I haven’t been to the moon… this is uh, well, understood,
understood- But you still haven’t answered about the pineapples,
you’ve actually just dodged the question! This is your one time for
redemption!
SH:
I-it’s-they were just there. We can’t-there-there’s no way
PN: They
were just there.
SH: -we
can’t prove that it had anything to do with any sort of-eh-eh!
These implications that I had any sort of pineapple fetish? They’re
wrong, okay?
PN: The
pineapple fetish is definitely not the answer
SH:
That-that’s just weird. Like the human-
PN: Well
we’re not going to kink shame on our Kampuss Kutie, if you do have
a pineapple fetish, just don’t hurt anybody, unless they want to
be. (To Will Doubter) Now, you bring up the pineapples, it’s an
issue for you, what’s your…as a conspiracy theorist.
WD: Well,
you see-
PN: Would you
like to come up on stage?
(Will Doubter
enters)
PN: ...
Just squat.
WD: It
just seems very strange-
PN: Giving
the spotlight to the conspiracy theorists!
WD: It
just seems bizarre to me that the pineapples were totally unburnt!
They were- they seemed to be located right next to the scene.
Everything’s black, but these pineapples? Fresh. You could have
eaten one of them right then, right there. It’s- it confuses me.
PN: Now, the
important question is what do you think happened
with the pineapples. Why do you think the pineapples were there?
WD: I’m
not totally sure, to be honest, it seems-
SH: Exactly!
There’s no reason for this to be an issue. He-
WD: It
gets to me, because... we know from what you’ve already said that,
that you already had a source of food for the butterflies- this has
been, like, clarified multiple times in the past several years. So
why would you need the pineapples to be there?
SH: I
can’t prove- you can’t prove that I brought the pineapples there!
That’s what you don’t understand- They just appeared there. The
moon just appeared there and we don’t just, like- was anyone, has
anyone witnessed the appearance of the moon? Anyone?
WD: Well,
I suppose you’re right.
PN: Well!
One conspiracy theorist convinced, that means all conspiracy
theorists should be convinced. Back to your seat.
SH: Yep.
PN: Back
to your seat.
(Will Doubter
leaves)
SH: Now
shut up.
(Quick edit
where the camera was adjusted so that hand motions could be better
seen!)
PN: Now,
we addressed the pineapples-
SH: Mhm.
PN: We
addressed the pineapples. Like the intern, they don’t need to be
addressed. Now, I see here, that you are, you’re writing a book
about all this, you have a book coming out next month?
SH: Yes!
PN: Um, do you
want to tell us a little bit more about this? Uh, will it have an
index? Uh, will it have a page count? Will there be numbers on the
bottom of each page telling us which page we’re on?
SH: There
will be a number.
PN: Uh, are
there going to be chapters in this book?
SH: There
will be-
PN: We
don’t really know much about this book at all.
SH: -one
chapter.
PN: One
chapter books. Okay.
SH: Um,
and it will be numbered, one page.
PN: One
page!
SH: One
page. And it, uh- I don’t want to give it away, but, the, the whole
book rhymes with “I-
PN: Do you
have a title yet?
SH: Yes!
But I don’t want to give it away.
PN: Awww!
But how will we promote it?
SH: Cuz
it’s my book! Everyone knows it’s going to be my book.
PN: Oh,
that’s true. It’s the Sean Harrington-
SH: Sean
Harrington-
PN:
-experience.
SH:
Experience, yes. Well, just to… it, it clearly lays out that I
did not do it.
PN: Yah.
SH: In one
sentence or less.
PN: Index!
Will it have an index? Our fans are burning to know, your fans,
your foes even, hopefully converted after we’ve understood that
extraterrestrials involved with Chancellor Gallegator did infest the
butterflies that would have cured cancer out of their vagina semen,
made sure that there would be zombies so we needed to have burned
them with the incineration. It’s that simple.
SH: (Pours
a drank)
PN: (Raises
cup)
SH: (Clinks
Plastic to Styrofoam)
PN: Now,
because of all this, we do have a couple letters from you fans, and
your foes-
SH: My
foes!? There’s none.
PN: Well,
fair. Arguable. At this point hopefully not. Our first letter
comes from 12 year old Jordan. Jordan writes: “I’m so
confused about everything that you’ve done. My parents won’t
explain it and I feel really betrayed. Are you a leader or are you a
dolphin?”
SH: Well,
first- what, what was this child’s name again?
PN: Jordan.
SH: Jordan.
PN: Jordan.
Little 12 year old Jordan.
SH: I-I-I
want to explain to Jordan that that your parents probably don’t
care about you. That’s why they won’t explain it to you.
PN: This
man is now again a nation treasure. Take him seriously! What an
honour to have him back. Saved us from aliens.
SH: And,
it’s- you’re probably confused because you’re stupid. I mean,
you’re 12. Can you even count?
PN: Well,
no numbers are present in the, um, letter-
SH: There
are none, there are none-
PN: Except
for the age. But we can assume his parents wrote that.
SH: Yeah,
mhm. And just, just you gotta read, Kevin, and-
PN: It’s
Jordan.
SH: Jordan.
Well, close enough. No one cares.
PN: All
Jordans are now Kevins. National treasure over here.
SH: Yes.
PN: But to the
real question: Are you a leader or are you a dolphin?
SH: I’m
a- leader of dolphins.
PN: He’s
a leader of dolphins. I’ve never seen it before.
SH: Mhm.
PN: You’ve
really stunned me. You floored me. I’m floored.
SH: Mhm.
PN: A
leader of dolphins.
SH: A
leader of dolphins.
PN: And that’s
not a metaphor?
SH: Actually
that is-
PN: A
metaphor?
SH: No!
It’s the title of my book, actually!
PN: Ah!
SH: That,
that- now that we brought it out there-
PN: A
Leader of Dolphins.
SH: A
Leader of Dolphins.
PN: Coming
out next month at Borders.
SH: A-
A Leader of Dolphins. And, not- and there’ll be a satirical
version of it, where it’s - it’ll also be called A Liter of
Dolphins. But it’s a much darker version of it.
PN: Satire
is always darker than the real thing.
SH: Yes,
it always is. It’s-it’s a clever pun. But it’s a dark joke.
It’s a dark, dark, dark pun.
PN: Now, Dana,
age 22, writes: “My friends and I have been arguing about this for
a long time. You seem to be the authority on this sort of thing as a
butterfly vagina expert in the past and as a villain for the past
five years in the hearts of all people. We heard you’re taking
questions for the first time in five years, so here goes- Yuuup!
or Yikes.”
SH: Yikes.
Yikes.
PN: It’s
yikes everybody.
SH: Yikes.
PN: Now,
we would like to say goodbye to our, uh, burnologist, Dan Burnman.
Please join us, uh, to say goodbye, he has to leave early for another
appointment. Here, I- Please give him the stage. Here he is, Dan
Burnman.
(Danial
Burnman reenters)
PN: Any final
messages? Do you understand now that the inci- Do you, do you
understand now that the incineration was actually necessary,
entirely, completely necessary?
SH: You
look very familiar.
DB: I was
here a few minutes ago.
SH: Oh.
PN: He was
here a few minutes ago.
SH: Is
your name Kevin?
PN: He’s
Dan Burnman.
SH: Danial?
DB: Close
enough. Sorry, what was your question again?
PN: My
question was, do you think as a burnologist that the, uh, that the
efforts taken by Sean Harrington to eradicate the zombie aliens from
the butterflies were effective enough.
DB: Well-
PN: Do you
think that we still have anything to worry about?
DB: In
light of recent evidence, especially regarding the, uh, pineapples, I
think that, perhaps there might be some framing going on. Perhaps
some deeper conspiracy that no one was aware of previously.
SH: Mhm.
DB: I
think there’s a lot more to look into-
SH: It’s
really not my fault, it’s really, it’s not my fault
PN: Of
course, of course, national treasure. Nation treasure.
SH: I-I-
look at me. I’m gorgeous.
DB: I
think that-
PN: Kampuss
Kutie!
DB: -there’s
a lot to be discovered now-
SH: Kampuss
Kutie.
DB: - and
we’ve got a lot more work to do. Thank you for having me.
PN: Oh, of
course, yeah, thank for, uh, thanks for coming.
DB: Of
course.
SH: Thanks
for coming, Mike!
DB: Of
course.
(Danial
Burnman leaves)
PN: Alright,
fair enough. Alright, done away with him. Whuh! And our last
question comes from you ex-lover. Your ex-lover would like to, uh,
well, it’s just came in. Your ex-lover says: “This whole
interview has been really revealing. You’ve bared a side of
yourself that I feel like I never got to see. Are you ready to give
this a second chance?”
SH: No.
PN: Well!
Didn’t really expect anything else. He’s been in hiding for five
years. Didn’t talk to you. Eh, what’d you really expect? Now,
uh, you say you’re running, uh, for president-
SH: Yes.
PN: -in 2016,
based on, you know, your book’s gonna be a big kick-off for your
presidential run-
SH: Leader
of Dolphins.
PN: -Leader
of Dolphins. Nation treasure. I want to know more about
your platform, your, uh, your campaign slogan?
SH: Well,
it’s- my campaign slogan is, “We Want- We Want to Bring America
Back to Just Greater Than What Donald Trump Would, Be Greater Than,
Great.”
PN: “Bring
back America-”
SH: To
greaterness.
PN: “Bring
America Back to Greaterness.” I like it-
SH: Times
two.
PN: I like
the, uh- “Bring America Back to Greaterness - Times Two,”
everybody! You heard it here first. Sean Harrington, for president,
2016. “Bring American Back to Greaterness – Two.” Times two?
SH: Times
two. Times two.
PN: Times
two.
SH: Times
two.
PN: X. 2.
Peace. Um, so, uh, now, for continuity’s sake, as we teased
earlier, we wooould like to feature a few questions from our previous
Kampuss Kutie, Madam Kat Brewer, all the way frooooooooom Ireland.
Uh, she comes to us, uh, she has, uh, pull up her uh, videos. Um,
this is just gonna take a little bit of time here, gonna take some
time to rewind, okay we’re gonna have to do them, well
there’s no internet, no internet in the studio, so look like we’re
gonna watch them on this, uh, phone, as she asks her questions live.
Uh no, it’s not there. It’s over here. Uh, right about here.
Great. Well, here she is. Um, play?
SH: (Holds
phone up to ear)
PN: We
don’t know what she’s asking. Only Sean does. You’ll get your
chance in a minute.
SH: Well,
really what she asked was, “How attractive are you?” And clearly
the answer is-
PN: (Hold
phone up to computer mic, however it is inaudible) Here we go, here
we go-
SH: No,
no- Can we not? Can we not! Can we not?! (Trying to remove phone from
mic area)
PN: Her
question will simply be edited in, and we’ll do that later.
(Cut away to
Kat Brewer’s question, obviously played in the wrong order)
Kat Brewer:
Second question. What would you want your catchphrase to be? And
finally, if someone were to write a biography about you, what would
the description on the back of the book say?
(Cut back to
interview)
SH: Well,
really what she’s asking is how amazing are you, and-
PN: Yeah!
Okay, fair enough, that’s, uh, probably the question.
SH: Clearly
the answer is: Amazing.
PN: Amazing.
SH: Amazing.
Times two.
PN: He’s
a national hero.
SH: Times
two. I am a national hero.
PN: National
treasure.
SH: I am a
leader of dolphins.
PN: Saved
us from aliens, zombies, that would have come from Chancellor
Gallegator, uh, through the butterfly project that would have solved
cancer through the vagina semens.
SH: It
makes sense, if you don’t think about it.
PN: Makes
sense even if you do! Except for the pineapples, uhh, loose ends?
Loose change, even? Now, she also asks a second question. Here
you go.
(Cut to
“second” question from Kat Brewer)
Kat Brewer: Hi
Sean! Great job so far, I’m last year’s Kampuss Kutie, and I have
a couple of guest questions for you. First of all, what would your
theme song be?
(Cut back to
interview)
PN: What was
the second question?
SH: “What
would my theme song be?”
PN: What’s
his theme song? There ya go! What a question! Thanks last year’s
Kampuss Kutie, Kat Brewer!
SH: What
would my theme song be?
PN: Yes,
that’s the question.
SH: Tha-thank
you. I would- you know, all music? All music is my theme song. Cuz
I’m not, I’m not simple enough to be broken down to one song. All
music is me.
PN: Just all
music?
SH: All
music is my theme song.
PN:
Exceptional. The man is incredible. Mister Sean Harrington. All
music-
SH: All
music is my theme song.
PN: -is,
is his theme song. Now, uh, we need to check if we have time for
our lightening round of questions. Um, we’re going to be pulling up
our lightening round, uh, in just a second here. We’re going to- do
you want to take a little breather?
SH: No!
Let’s go, let’s go.
PN: Okay,
well we weren’t going to take a breather either way. Just so you’re
aware. Pull this up here, uh, golly, just don’t look at it, okay?
Um, you’re gonna sort of turn, so that you can’t be seeing the
questions. Okay, so just, uh, kinda turn. Make sure you still cheat
out a little bit so your face can be seen by the camera- Welp, that’s
not the right page. Going to the, uh, there we go, maybe I’ll just
edit all this, or not. Probably not.
SH: No…let’s
not.
PN: Okay!
Now! Uh, make sure, okay, turn, let’s get a good look from him,
yup, hmm, poor, poor, poor editing. Great! Ah! For the, uh- we put
everybody through this, same questions every time, on our Kampuss
Kutie Redemption Shows. Tell me what you want what you really,
really want. Go! No more than five seconds on each question.
SH:
Friendship.
PN: Great!
Uh, I wonder, wonder, who-o-o-o, who wrote the book of love?
SH: I did.
PN: Great!
Uh, Who put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp?
SH: You
did.
PN: Who,
uh, Have you ever seen the rain?
SH: No.
PN: Do you
know the way to San Jose?
SH: No.
PN: Who are
you? Who? Who?
SH: What-
What am I?
PN: Okay,
uh, Where have all the flowers gone?
SH: Ireland.
PN: Does
anybody really know what time it is?
SH: Not
really, no.
PN: Why does
it hurt when I pee?
SH: You
probably have a UTI.
PN: Who let
the dogs out?
SH: Who?
PN: Uh,
What’s going o-o-o-on?!
SH: I-I
don’t know? I don’t know?
PN: Is she
really going out with him?
SH: Yes?
PN: Fine.
How deep is your love? I really mean to know.
SH: Not
that deep.
PN: Will you
still love me tomorrow?
SH: Probably
not.
PN: Is this
the end? My only friend, the end?
SH: Yes.
PN: And for a
hundred dollars! What is the theme of thiiiiis lightening round?
SH: Songs?
From the nineties?
PN: Hm. Close enough. You don’t win a hundred dollars,
though, cuz we don’t have funding! Alright, now, to ride us out,
any closing statements? I think we’ve really- I think that,
uh, together we’ve really revealed to the, to the public who felt
so betrayed for so many years. They lost their cure for cancer. But
that was the only way. And now, after five years, you realized that
it’s time to come clean. People need to know that you saved them
all from zombies of alien origin. That we’re safe now. But that
maybe those pineapples carry our doom. Giving you the closing
statements here. What would you like to tell them all at home?
SH:
(Thoughtfully pregnant pause) It wasn’t me. Thanks, Shaggy.
PN: Wow!
What a time to be alive! Uh, From fame, to infamy, to the Pittiful
News Kampuss Kutie! This is B.D. Wahlberg, signing off.
No comments:
Post a Comment