College Freshman Regrets Telling Mom Anything About Her Life, Ever

By I.S. Mills

Andrea Saunders, 18, a freshman at the University of Pittsburgh, regrets telling her own mother anything about her life.

“I mean, I think I’m just going to tell her like, really superficial things from now on,” said the teen in an exclusive interview.

Saunders says her trouble started when she got a urinary tract infection while at school- something she is prone to. Saunders told her mom to expect a charge to her insurance during one of their weekly phone conversations, as she planned to visit an emergency care clinic later that day.

“As soon as I brought it up she just freaking went to town. ‘Are you wiping back to front? You know you have to wipe front to back.’ Like, yes mom, I know how to fucking wipe my ass. Don’t you think there would have been a major problem at this point in my life if I had been wiping my ass wrong for eighteen years?”

Saunders also alleged that her mom interrogated her about her sexual habits. “She asked if I knew to pee after sex, and I was like, yeah, obviously. Christ,” said Saunders.

The complaints go on. “Last night she got on my case too. I got a ride back to Pittsburgh from a girl in my music ensemble, and she told me not to accept rides from strangers. Like, A) this ride is free, and B) she’s an eighteen year old marimba player from WVU named Marissa.”

Saunders does not plan to tell her mother about the homeless man who hit on her earlier this week, nor about the all-nighter she pulled studying for a calculus exam. The student is quite convinced that her mother will twist these events into potentially catastrophic situations.

“She just doesn’t need to know,” says Saunders.