UPMC Rick Rolls Patients

By Phillip Forrence

A disturbing new treatment has been making headlines recently out of the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center.

Instead of telling patients their diagnoses, Doctors and nurses have been playing Rick Astley's 1987 Top 40 hit “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

“I just wanted to know what the strange lump on my wrist was,” says Ashley Carter. “But every time I brought it up, Dr. Jones would enthusiastically hit play on his boom box and disrobe his torso as Rick Astley's 1987 Top 40 Hit 'Never Gonna Give You Up' penetrated the air.”

Long-time patients don't know what to make of the recent events. “Usually The doctor or nurse would come to my bed every morning, change my IV bag, greet me with a 'good morning', and prepare me for my daily colonoscopy,” says Arthur Grant. “Now they just walk up to the foot of my bed, expressionless, and put a finger to their lips and another on the play button of a boom box. Then Rick Astley's 1987 Top 40 hit “Never Gonna Give You Up” plays on repeat for nine hours until 6 P.M.”

The Pittiful News pressed UPMC for comment, but just got a referral to Dr. Jones' office. He was very polite, but when asked about this new development in medicine, all this reporter heard was the sound of at least eleven shirts simultaneously being ripped open and the faint ring of Rick Astley's 1987 Top 40-height-of-romantic-expression-hit “Never Gonna Give You Up.”