Dear Danezie

By Dana Good

Dear Danezie,

I’m in General Chemistry and I’m having trouble understanding precipitation reactions. What are your favorite study tips?

Sincerely, Lost.

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Dear Lost,

I’m in General Chemistry too and I have a little story that I think will help you out. Yesterday, I found myself wandering through the aisles of Rite Aid, partly because I gave up on bullshitting my way through this week’s Chem homework and wanted a snack, but mostly because I’m a lazy asshole that has nothing better to do in her free time and won’t amount to anything, ever. Walking by the greeting cards, I remembered that my

boyfriend’s birthday is in a couple of weeks and I should probably get him a cute card, or some shit like that. I picked up the first one I saw under “Romantic Birthday for Him,” read it, and laughed out loud. It was not meant to be funny. This happened multiple times until I stopped and thought to myself, “I know I’m an insensitive bitch, but why are these all so fucking stupid?” If I had to paraphrase all of the romantic birthday cards, it would go a little something like this, “My darling love honey bunchkins angel cuppy cake sugar pie, I love you so frickin’ much that every time I think of your face, I jizz sparkles and rainbows into my pants. Happy Birthday, I love you.” All of the cards were so vaguely erotic I couldn’t help but think they were written by a lonely 50 year-old woman, sitting in an apartment full of cats, who masturbates to teen vampire fanfic.

Lost, my advice to you would be to make a homemade card for your boyfriend. Take a piece of paper, fold it, and write something along the lines of, “Sorry for that one time when I kind of accidentally bit you mid-bajowski. Happy Birthday.” It means so much more when it comes from the heart.

Sincerely,

Danezie