Surviving Your Freshman Year—A Guide

By Steven Jaindl


Greetings Freshman! You must be excited to start college, and for good reason—college is an exciting experience, replete with fun things you won’t have the time to do because you’re studying in order to one day land a job that pays you well enough to pay back your college loans in time for you to begin saving for retirement, assuming you don’t die first. Do not, however, let this excitement cause you to make poor judgments which may put you in harm’s way; higher education presents problems which you may not hitherto have been confronted by.

The following list features some of the leading causes of death among college students:
-Dehydration.
-A fatal overestimation of self-importance.
-Revolving door accidents.
-Gettin’ your mind blown by a particularly engaging professor.
-Excessive disgust at those two guys who kissed in public while you happened to be looking in their direction.
-Forgetting to leave behind a trail of breadcrumbs when travelling into Schenley Park, getting lost, being unable to catch any wildlife, drinking the water from the disgusting pond, kneeling over and dying.
-Scurvy.
-Stray nerf darts from that fucking game those nerds play.
-Admitting you lost an intellectual argument.
-Overeagerness in trying extreme sexual positons, such as “The Fire Hydrant” or “The -Back-Breaker.
-Your parents forcing you to pick the largest meal plan possible, and your subsequent consumption of nothing except Market Central food for a semester, “Supersize me” style.
-Syphilis.
-Broken heart.