Forbes Gyro Opens Suicide Hotline

By Phil Forrence

As her manager berated her for not being pretty enough to work the register, Tiffany Albright realized that fewer and fewer patrons had been visiting the once frequented venue. Forbes Gyro’s traditional customer base, nightly-sauced-frat-bros and daily-Chipotle-line-spillover, had dwindled over the previous few months. With the economy in the toilet and Forbes Gyro's recent gruesome streak of clogged toilets, she concluded that if the difficult-to-pronounce restaurant was going to survive, it needed a new business angle and she would provide it.

“Hello this is Forbes Gyro, where our cheese expires before you do!” The new phone greetings show how they are creating this angle. “Hello this is Forbes Gyro, home of the repeat customer, hopefully!” Each patron is offered 15 seconds free on the new Forbes Gyro Suicide Hotline with the purchase of any entrée. The Hotline charges $3.00 a minute or $7.00 for every two minutes to help recent patrons off the ledge. The results have been astounding.

“The suicide hotline has saved my business,” raves Mario Mocha, owner of the “Greek” establishment. “My profits have spiked to positive numbers. Sometimes we get multiple calls from one person per night.” He continues, “They originally call to order food, but once they’ve tried our signature sauce made with ingredient they can’t help but call back later for our other services.”

Tiffany sees this as a big step in her career. “Even though I came up with this business-saving idea, my boss still won't stop treating me like a second class human.” She builds, “The gyro won't always be here, ya know? Something might happen to it.” The lights dim. “One day an employee might forget to turn off the burners and there might be a spark due to an electrical malfunction she caused and what-do-ya-know the almighty Forbes Gyro is bursting into glorious grease-fueled-flames. Then he'll see. Then they'll ALL SEE.”

Forbes Gyro has sailed through the month of September and looks to add on its success next quarter when they introduce their new line of sex toys. “You've tried us in one hole, now why not another? Forbes Gyro!”