GOP Debate: Live Reactions

By Hannah Lynn, Holly Stavarski, Critter Fink

As you may know, the second out of eighty total GOP debates aired last night. The Pittiful News decided it would be nice write an article featuring our live reactions, witty commentary, and humorous observations. By the end, we were all pleading for mercy, begging for someone to release us from the seemingly unrelenting grips of Lucifer. Enjoy!

• Fun Fact: GOP stands for Grand Old Poophead
• imagine all the comedians that are watching this right now to write relevant jokes
• Rand Paul has mad pube-head
• Ok, in all fairness, Marco Rubio looks like a brand new Ken doll.
• A friend said to me that Ted Cruz looks like Jenny Slate and I’ll never get over it. I love you Jenny Slate I’m sorry, don’t think about this as an insult to you just as a compliment to Cruz. He looks like if you were a melted candle.
• Bragadocious definition make everyone go crazy
• Fact: Donald Trump is the love child of a corn husk and a tanning bed - nice
• Drinking game - If you take a shot every time they say Regan, you should be dead by now
• I’m no English teacher but I think Reagan’s plane in the background is symbolism for how they won’t stop sucking his dick.
• So weird that a pile of pubes can talk!!
• Jeb Bush looks like the third best accountant in the office
• I honestly just wanna flick Trump right in the neck
• Jeb Bush looks like a drawing that my least favorite child would draw of the third best accountant in the office
• Jeb Bush looks like George H.W Bush’s least favorite child
• You know when someone takes off their glasses and you’re like “Wow you look weird without glasses! That’s what Ben Carson looks like all the time.
• I’m oddly attracted to Chris Christie (This was Holly. I, Hannah, am not nor have I ever been attracted to Chris Christie).
• 9 out of 10 men on stage are currently fantasizing about Fiorina sexually spanking them. Trump fantasizes about spanking himself.
• “Did Cruz just play to the crowd? Is Trump a buffoon? Do you agree that Christie’s tie is so last season?”
• Weird that we keep pretending that “Rand” is a normal human name
• I wonder if they have seen each others penises in the GOP locker room?
• Jeb Bush has the same eyes as Charlie Brown
• I just need to reiterate once more that Rand Paul’s head REALLY looks like pubes! I don’t normally even say that about people but like, I can’t even focus on what he’s saying.
• NO IT’S MY TURN, I WANNA SAY SOMETHING, LET ME SAY STUFF, I WANNA DEBATE JAKE THIS ISN’T FAIRRRR.
• I honestly just wanna see the elimination of these candidates unfold with Tyra Banks holding their photos ANTM style.
• White people who say things like the criminalization of Christianity :)
• Huckabee looks like the villain farmer in a horror movie set in a corn farm. Is this just commentary on the candidate's looks? Yes
• Detainees in gitmo have so many nice amenities - nice concrete slabs to lay on, very little water, rotten food - so many nice amenities.
• Oh good now they bring up Planned Parenthood! Coincidentally, now is also the time I hurl myself into the tumultuous sea!
• WHY ARE WE DEFUNDING PLANNED PARENTHOOD THEY DON’T JUST ABORT BABIES THEY ARE ALSO A GREAT RESOURCE FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT VICTIMS AND THOSE WHO NEED EFFECTIVE OB/GYN CARE BUT MAY NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD IT.
• Ok fine you can defund Planned Parenthood but you all have to have your dicks cut off
• Suddenly no longer attracted to Chris Christie (Holly has come to her senses).
• Okay Fiorina, don’t let us down
• Update: She let us down.
• I need a woman’s voice now…no not her voice
• It is not a battle for who can be the most pro-life guys and gal. Not a contest..
• Don’t worry ladies, Donald Trump, a misogynistic, sexist, violent sexual offender, has got our backs.
• “Hi, I’m Donald Trump. I respect women” *1,000 women jump out of the plane and point bow & arrows at him, Katniss Everdeen style*
• Even Jake Tapper is wishing for sweet death to envelop him
• Telling your fellow candidate how beautiful she is just as innaprop as telling her she’s ugly?
• Is it some sort of irony that they are promoting a TV show about if the had Nazis won?
• I just really want a candidate to say “I actually don’t love America” just to see what happens next, shake things up a bit.
• This debate is so long, they must all have an IV of Red Bull to stay awake through the boredom of their own thoughts
• I wouldn’t necessarily say that they are awake.
• “They have babies here and we take care of them for the next 85 years” Ok I don’t know about you but I’ve never met a baby who’s 85 years old.
• Bragadoscio count: 2
• Real question: Why do all republican candidates pronounce the H in Why?
• “How are young people gonna get a job when the minimum wage is so high?” And Other Non-Sequiturs from the GOP Debate
• Carson is right, if minimum wage is raised, I won’t be able to hold my retail job. Next thing you know, I will be out on the street selling my body and making a fair $7.25 per hour.
• It appears these republican candidates don’t know that Bernie Sanders is running. It’s probably for the best.
• Which is longer: This debate or the human lifespan? Just wondering
• PLOT TWIST: Rand Paul makes a valid point about marijuana criminalization. Ol’ Pube-Head for the win!
• Republican candidates are tasked with naming a woman to put on the $10 bill and choices include Rosa Parks, Mother Theresa, their own wives and mothers, Abigail Adams, and No One. 
•  Republican candidates are tasked with coming up with their Secret Service Codenames. Answers include Harley, Justice for All, Gator, One Nation, True Heart and “My wife would be Angel because she’s my angel.” 
• Final thoughts: Ted Cruz looks like what aliens think the average white man looks like. Goodnight and goodluck. Seriously, good luck. The world is engulfed in flames.