Grammar Nazi Spooky Story

Credit: dinyctis.deviantart.com

Grammar Nazis have seized control of the country. They run everything and show no mercy to the grammatically deficient, seeking to purify the Grammaryan race. Your neighbors are shredded bones and rotting guts, your classmates are festering in camps.

You are seven years old, you read little and speak even less. Your family has been detained on the false charge of a dangling modifier.

“Once we are released,” your father whispers to you, “our friends will sneak us out of the country.” He hands you a letter to carry to the guards.

“Its not our fault,” the letter begins.

Native American Tribal Alliance Reluctant to Sign Treaty to Rename Redskins

Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder thought this whole name brouhaha would have blown over by now. “My original plan was to sit down at my computer, type up a treaty promising to adhere to their demands, get them to sign it, and then BAM, I wouldn’t have to do anything at all,” he said.

Snyder was mistaken. “We don’t really do the treaty thing anymore,” said Linda Edwards, spokesperson for the Native American Tribal Alliance. “We’re kind of past that whole phase.”

Local Woman Prefers Charities That Benefit Her Too

“I could just write a check to the organization, but what good does that do for me?” pondered Erin Ingram, proud benefit concert attendee, bake sale chef and rubber bracelet wearer. The self-described “do-gooder” explained her philanthropic inspiration while snacking on a pink yogurt sponsored by Susan G. Komen. “It works out perfectly because I get to make a difference and I get to buy the pink one,” said Ingham. “I prefer charities where you get a pink thing.”

“I didn’t want to do the ice bucket challenge until my air conditioner broke,” Ingram added. “Then I thought oh wow I’m really hot, then I thought hmm I wish someone would dump a bucket of ice water on my head, and that was when I realized I should do something to help children with Steven Hawking disease.” Posting the video to her facebook page also gave Ingram a chance to show off her new toned post-walk-a-thon season body.

Local White Guy Would Gladly Trade Power and Privilege for His Own Ethnic Food Festival

Tucker Paulson sat at a corner of the annual Indian American Festival feeling hungry, bored and alone. The aloo gobi was too spicy to even take a bite and there was no hope of dancing, as he could hardly keep up with the fast-paced bhangra beat. When the hot September sun had turned his rosy cheeks and uncomfortable shade of fuscia, Paulson decided he had had enough. “Just for once I’d like to see a festival celebrating my culture,” he moaned on his way to the parking lot.

Conflict Kitchen Owner Hopes the Next Country We Invade Has Some Decent Food

“I mean Venezuelan food is okay. But we already did that one once,” says Cindy Greenspan, owner and head chef of the Conflict Kitchen, a local restaurant serving cuisine from various countries in conflict with the United States. Conflict kitchen has featured dishes from Cuba, Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea and now Venezuela for a second time. But now Greenspan is running out of ideas for 

the next country.

“The obvious choice is somewhere in the greater Middle Eastern area, the conflict capital of the world,” says Greenspan. “But there’s only so much you can do with chick peas and lamb.”

“Because I Like Mine the Best,” an Open Letter From a Professor Who Requires Students To Buy the Textbook He Wrote

Dear Students,

I am delighted to announce that you will all be required to read Foundations of Social Psychology by Professor Jeffery Ward (that’s me!) this semester. After carefully evaluating a number of textbooks, I have come to the conclusion that the book most suited to our studies just so happens to be the one I wrote. What a coincidence!

You may be wondering whether any sort of bias influenced my decision. It didn’t! Teaching from a book authored by one of my peers would mean I would have to evaluate and consider opinions that aren’t my own. Why bother with that when I already know that I agree with myself 100% of the time?

Patrick Stewart is the Ripper

The legendary Jack the Ripper has finally been identified.  Driven by curiosity, amateur investigator Russell Edwards analyzed DNA samples from the shawl of one of the victims, and mitochondrial DNA led to the connection of the crime with suspect Aaron Kosminski.  Doubting Edwards’ claims, a University of Pittsburgh team conducted their own analysis and discovered a shocking new suspect in the crime – acclaimed actor Sir Patrick Stewart.  

Women of Color Fight to Gain Equal Representation on BuzzFeed Lists

BuzzFeed’s 25 Things All Basic White Girls Do During The Fall list has sparked controversy from many civil rights activists who believe that all people should be able to enjoy scented candles, Ugg boots and instagram filters regardless of race, creed or color. “These lists are yet another reminder that even in 2014 race in America is still an issue,” says Natasha Jeffers, who holds a PhD in sociology. Jeffers also noted that she is perfectly capable of understanding items 1-28 on BuzzFeed’s 28 Things Only Teenage White Girls Will Understand, despite her ethnic background.

“The whites took every thing from our people. Now they want to claim the pumpkin spice latte too,” says Sarah Sitting-Bull of the Lakota tribe.

Suburban Studies Program Fails Again

While more and more Pitt students flock to London, Florence, and Buenos Aires for their summer study abroad experiences, one destination continues to reign supreme: home.

Marking the end of the spring semester, thousands of students annually disperse from Pittsburgh to wherever they begrudgingly call home. And even though programs do exist for the geographical minority from cities and rural areas, none are nearly as well attended as the one for kids from the in between.

Offered by the department of Suburban Studies, this study abroad opportunity places students in the homes of real suburban families (their own) to absorb the local culture and cultivate new perspectives on the world. But despite the many student participants, the program has not been well received.

Pitt gets a new mascot

By Hannah Lynn

University of Pittsburgh’s mascot has long been in question: whether it’s representative of our school, does it make sense to have a panther named “Roc,” and especially whether it’s right to have it when the Penn State mascot is so similar.

For the past 10 years, a secret committee of Pitt faculty, alumni, and mascot experts have been holding clandestine meetings in the dungeon below the Cathedral of Learning to discuss such matters. According to a source close to The Pittiful News, some of the replacement options included an eagle, a jackalope, and a bridge with a face named “Bridget.” When asked his opinion on the matter, Pitt sophomore Josh Evans said “What?”

After years of heated debates, the council finally announced Pitt’s new mascot: A craggy old man smoking a cigarette on a stoop. Don’t ask him about his past.

Several artists are currently working on a design for the mascot so he can be put on t-shirts, flags, and bumper stickers. After the current statue of the Panther is torn down, the University is considering employing someone to actually be the craggy old man smoking a cigarette on a stoop. However, it is unclear if the University has enough funds to build a stoop in the middle of a sidewalk.