Med School Impressed By Applicant's Ability To Jump Through Hoops

By Phil Forrence

Medical schools across the country have competitive admissions processes. Many otherwise-qualified students are turned away for reasons like low community involvement, not enough time spent working in a health-care environment, or low GPA. However, one local student has impressed Pittsburgh University’s Medical School (PUMS) with her ability to jump through hoops.

“I would eat a bug,” said Julia Driver. She has top notch grades, excellent references, and to top it all off, will do literally anything to go to medical school. “I might even eat two bugs,” Julia conjectures about her med school drive. This star performer has dazzled the PUMS with her excellence. “She has a commitment to us liking her that is tough to come by these days,” Explains Dr. Jim Ratts, Head of Admissions. “In her cover letter, she states that she might eat two bugs to gain admittance to our institution, but I'm willing to bet under the correct conditions she would eat three bugs to sate our thirst for groveling.”

Obituaries for Sims Presidential Candidates

By Ossia Dwyer

The Pittiful News is sad to announce the loss of Sim Hillary Clinton. She was swimming when Bill deleted the ladder so he could woohoo with the maid.

The loss of Sim Bernie Sanders seemed inevitable but luckily his hoard of college age supporters seduced the grim reaper and Sim Sanders has been given the trait of eternal life.

Sim Jeb Bush perished in a freak accident. His brother, Sim George Bush, was trying to cook something fancy without the right cooking skill and left Sim Jeb to put out the flames.

We are forced to report on the death of Sim Ben Carson. He chose to transform into a ghost so that he could scare children at night.

We lost the great Sim Chris Christie early this afternoon. He ate an expired meatball sandwich he found on the ground.

Nicholas Sparks takes over Valentine’s Day

By Jessica Simpson

This one is for all you lovers out there.  Here at the Pittiful News. we have the scoop on America’s favorite cliché, sappy writer.  In addition to his widely anticipated movie “The Choice,” Nicholas Sparks has another film brewing in the mix.  

I bet you all think that this newly divorced homophobic man’s career has gone progressively downhill since The Notebook.   Perhaps you’re right.

But alas in spite of these minor setbacks, Sparks is making a comeback.  He’s back.  Back again.  Tell a friend. Ask yourself: what did The Notebook have that other Nicholas Sparks films didn’t? 

Pathfinders? More like Path-Losers.

By Critter Fink

Everyone’s favorite Pittsburgh University tour guide cult known as Pathfinders have spiraled after a series of arrests and questionable actions last semester. Top secret informants informed The Pittiful News that it’s only a matter of time before every single Pathfinder will be, “going down a very dark and sad path; if they can even find their way to it.”

Gallon Man Records-Four Way Split

Gallon Man Records

Four Way Split

Gallon Man Records; 2016

By 

Steven Jaindl

; January 21, 2016

 7.3

What is ‘indie’? The term has acquired such a variety of connotations—pejorative and celebratory and everything in between—that any attempted use of ‘indie’ has become muddled and direly unspecific. You’re almost better off trying to use the term ‘hipster.’ These days, major label signees that garner millions of views on YouTube pass as ‘indie,’ and music publications owned by corporate conglomerates hold troubling amounts of tastemaking power, obscuring their innate middlebrow nature behind assertions of ‘indie-ness’ and ‘progressivity.’

Celebrity Baby Names

By Jessica Simpson

This coveted list of emerging baby names was sent to us from 2020.  If by chance you have a list of names you are entertaining for your future nonexistent children, feel free to add one or two of these to your personal list.  

1. “Quinoa” spelled phonetically (Keen-wa).
2. Any nail polish name.
3. “David Bowie Too”
4. “Mop” - It arouses the hipster in of you that objects to Swiffers.
5. “Sorry”- For the Beliebers, the overly apologetic, or the accidental mothers
6. “Guac” - If you are a disguised Avocado aficionado
7. “Tampon” - For the Bleeding Love and Kotex enthusiasts.  
8. “SleepNumber” - Parents who are honest about the real conception location
9. “R2-D2” - For rebel Star Wars fans
10. “Twit” - Short for Twitter, easy to rhyme, and soon it will be trending
11. “K” - The Kardashian-Jenner influence cemented in one letter
12. “G-Neut” - The abbreviated way to spell gender neutral

Hillary's Poll Numbers Spike After Repeated Use of “Hard-Earned Dollars”

By Phil Forrence

Pittsburgh, PA – Hillary Clinton has changed tactics in her fight to wrest the Iowa Caucus from Vermont Senator's , Bernie Sanders', control. After weeks of simply referring to local Iowans as 'hard-working Americans' and telling people her favorite book was the Bible, Clinton has stepped her game up. She now refers to salaries as 'hard-earned dollars'.

“I just feel like she understands me now,” relates Des Moines resident, Allison Stevens. “I work hard for my money, and I want to vote for someone who gets that.”

In order to boost popularity in coming weeks, Clinton plans to increase usage of the phrases “pushing conservative agendas” and “Founding Fathers.”

Editorial: Only Way To Stop Bad Guy With Suicide Vest Is Good Guy With Suicide Vest

By Phil Forrence

The term existential threat is not one I understand. However, the recent attacks in Paris demonstrate ISIS poses an immense existential threat to the United States. Suicide bombers force security guards to play a decidedly less-charming version of 'Where's Waldo?' at every high volume football game and concert. ISIS exploits the difficult-to-detect terror strategy of lining explosives inside previously non-explosive sweater vests.

In & Out List 2015

As 2015 comes to a close, The Pittiful News has compiled a list of what's out this year, and what's in for 2016. Then again, the world is melting and we're all on fire so nothing matters. Stay cool out there kids!

Local Handjob Goes Horribly Wrong

By Phil Forrence

Lisa Simmons was born with the natural ten fingers. 

“I heard the screams from here.” Lisa's neighbor Ted Grossman recalls, “I just hoped everyone was okay.” 

After Monday's events, she is left with only seven. “I had just settled down to watch a movie with my Tim when he suddenly became very horny.” She chokes through incessant tears, “We'd already finished having sex so I offered to give him a handy so we could enjoy San Andreas without the awkward sexual reluctance. He accepted.” Then it began.

Reporters say that during one particularly violent backward arm swing, Lisa smacked her elbow into her book shelf causing a bag of gummy worms to fall on top of the two lovers. 

Unfortunately, the bag had been opened, eaten from, and not properly stored months earlier so the gummy worms had been eaten by live earth worms who had set up camp in the bag.