Nicholas Sparks takes over Valentine’s Day

By Jessica Simpson

This one is for all you lovers out there.  Here at the Pittiful News. we have the scoop on America’s favorite cliché, sappy writer.  In addition to his widely anticipated movie “The Choice,” Nicholas Sparks has another film brewing in the mix.  

I bet you all think that this newly divorced homophobic man’s career has gone progressively downhill since The Notebook.   Perhaps you’re right.

But alas in spite of these minor setbacks, Sparks is making a comeback.  He’s back.  Back again.  Tell a friend. Ask yourself: what did The Notebook have that other Nicholas Sparks films didn’t? 

Allow me to eliminate a few possibly guesses:

1. There is a close-minded person from the South.  Unfortunately, although we do live in 2016, Mr. Sparks enjoys time traveling to a far more judgmental time in our history in every single one of his works.  
2. Someone dies. NO.  One person dies in every movie.  Do you live under a rock?
3. Two people hate each other and then fall in love.  Ah well that is almost the plot to every film.  Mr. Sparks takes inspiration from magnets, Shakespeare, and badly written pornos.

Now that we’re past all that, you have probably arrived at the answer.  What does The Notebook have that separates it from every other Nicholas Sparks film?  That’s right, Ryan Gosling.

This Valentine’s Day, in select theaters nationwide, comes “The First Bite,” written by Sparks and inspired by vines of Ryan Gosling eating cereal. A few Cinnamon Toast Crunches will be lost along the way, an old confederate soldier will join Gosling for breakfast and save him from choking on skim milk.  And Gosling may or may not fall in love with one lucky charm while listening to Boyz II Men. He will be shirtless for all 121 minutes.  

Although advertisements for the film have flown under the radar, critics purport it to be a major Oscar contender, praising Gosling for his artistic commitment.  Sparks has also received acclaim for his vision in continuing the late Vine Star, Ryan McHenry’s, work.

So go buy yourself some Reese’s Puffs, sneak a bottle of Shiraz into the movie theater, and have yourself a date with Ryan.  Don’t forget to look forward to the upcoming picture book.