Native American Tribal Alliance Reluctant to Sign Treaty to Rename Redskins

Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder thought this whole name brouhaha would have blown over by now. “My original plan was to sit down at my computer, type up a treaty promising to adhere to their demands, get them to sign it, and then BAM, I wouldn’t have to do anything at all,” he said.

Snyder was mistaken. “We don’t really do the treaty thing anymore,” said Linda Edwards, spokesperson for the Native American Tribal Alliance. “We’re kind of past that whole phase.”

“Powerful white guys have never cared about the natives. That’s just how it is,” said Snyder, adding that it would be “really embarrassing” to be the very first white guy in American history to give the Native Americans what they ask for.

But Snyder, who is concerned about the negative publicity his team is receiving, is running out of ideas for what to do next. “Think Daniel, think!” he said to himself. “There’s got to be a way to make this whole mess go away. Native Americans have been easily screwed over in the past. What did George Custer and Andrew Jackson know that I don’t?” Snyder even tried coughing into a blanket and mailing it to Edwards’ office, a move she did not appreciate.

When asked how she and her organization would celebrate a possible victory, a dreamy look crept over Edwards’ face. “Oh gosh, I can’t even comprehend such a thing,” she said giddily. “In my tribe’s language there is no word for ‘getting what you want. But there are 22 different words all meaning ‘to be fucked over by the white man.’”