Local White Guy Would Gladly Trade Power and Privilege for His Own Ethnic Food Festival

Tucker Paulson sat at a corner of the annual Indian American Festival feeling hungry, bored and alone. The aloo gobi was too spicy to even take a bite and there was no hope of dancing, as he could hardly keep up with the fast-paced bhangra beat. When the hot September sun had turned his rosy cheeks and uncomfortable shade of fuscia, Paulson decided he had had enough. “Just for once I’d like to see a festival celebrating my culture,” he moaned on his way to the parking lot.

But alas, his google search for “White Anglo-Saxon Protestant heritage celebration” yielded slim results. “The closest thing I could find was this one rally in Alabama, but that looked a little suspicious,” he said. “I mean sure, it’s nice that I never have to worry about police brutality and I like that I got to grow up in the suburbs. But when festival season rolls around I just feel really left out. I start to question whether being white is really all it’s cracked up to be.”

Paulson added that he would settle for a slightly more ethnic white ethnicity like Italian, Jewish or maybe even Irish American. “It would be fun just for once to be able to say something like, ‘that is deeply offensive to my people’ or ‘is it because I’m [insert ethnic minority here].’”