Man Distraught After Jogging Without Earphones

Matt Holsten, a Pitt junior majoring in anthropology, confirmed that he was forced to jog for an entire hour without mind-numbing music in his ears. He said he was already outside when he found out that his only earphones were completely broken. Though he never spends more than twenty minutes without external stimulation because that gets him bored or thinking, Holsten said he decided to continue jogging and brave it out.

State Court Nullifies Ban on Non-different-sex Reverse-divorce in PA

Judge John Jones III

Furthering the cause for gay rights, Pennsylvania state courts ruled Tuesday not to not allow gay marriage, or as one judge put it, “We’ve not un-decided to not illegalize not-straight reverse-divorce.” Pennsylvania's ban on non-different-sex reverse-divorce was disallowed as unconstitutional on Tuesday.

"Not any non-singles deserve inequity in civil reverse-divorce," federal judge John Jones III didn't not say in a non-spoken statement.

Special Editorial by New GRE Chairman, Frank Chiprah: "You're stupid and I'm not"

Hi, "future" grad student. Frank Chiprah here to remind you that you're stupid and I'm not. That's right. I'm a big boy and I can say words. So many words. I learned words that you don't know. You are a big dumb baby and I know what "antediluvian" means. What? You went through four years of college? Aww, you mastered highly specified skill and knowledge sets so you could become a leader in your future craft? Oh no, you networked with top notch stalwarts of academia in order to establish yourself as a bright, resourceful professional prepared to take on the challenges of the world ahead? Well screw you, because I invented a test and I know what "antediluvian" means.

Al Gore Warns Global Warming Is Thawing Out the Ice Prison of His Evil Demon Twin, "MIGHTY GORETHAKKAH"

Fracking Company Uses Science to Pacify Worried Citizens

The drilling giant Ekson Gas is using science and sound evidence to pacify the people of Kempton, a small rural town in southwestern Pennsylvania near which it has been fracking, as well as those across the country who side with them.

There have been rumors and complaints, said the company’s spokesperson Linda Gloychich, that lubricating and other oil-based fluids used in hydraulic fracturing were leaking into the groundwater and that Ekson was secretly dumping toxic wastewater into the town’s streams and rivers.