Artist on the Rise: Crying Baby in Audience Absolutely Thrilled to Play Carnegie Hall

Artists dream of an opportunity to perform at the illustrious Carnegie Hall, but after learning that his mom and dad planned to bring him along to a Boston Symphony event in the renowned auditorium, local baby, Ian Wilt, knew all of his vocal training was building to this one evening. When asked what kind of repertoire he had prepared, Ian noted “Now, I don’t want to provide too many spoilers, but I can say this: that when the stage is quietest in between movements of Schubert’s divine ‘Unfinished Symphony,’ I promise to fill the venue with blubbering that hits the audience so hard, some will be moved to weeping themselves.”

Pitt Names New Chancellor

By Hannah Lynn
 
On Feb. 8, the University of Pittsburgh announced its next chancellor would be Patrick D. Gallagher. This is following the announcement last year that after almost 20 years, current chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg would be stepping down after the 2013-14 school year.

Mr. Gallagher currently serves as deputy secretary of the U.S. Department of Commerce and is also the director of the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST). Mr. Gallagher a PhD in physics from Pitt, and it is his only connection to the university. Although he lacks any experience whatsoever in managing education of any kind, the chancellor search committee believes he is the best fit.

Students lovingly refer to the current chancellor as “Nordy,” but chancellor-elect Gallagher has stated that he does not wish to be called “Galley.” This is perfectly understandable; he probably doesn’t want to constantly be referred to as an old-timey ship. But this won’t be a problem as there is a much more fitting name to be bestowed upon Pitt’s newest leader.

Tears for the Dolphins

 By Hannah Lynn

Pitt recently instated a bag tax policy that only allows students 15 plastic bags per semester. Each bag after that costs 25 cents. This poem is dedicated to all the dolphins who suffer from too many plastic bag hats.

bags
so many bags
clinging to a dolphin's head
what to do
stop it. end it.
no more bags
carry your fucking chips in your hand
you don't need a bag
the dolphins have enough hats
you don't need a bag
fifteen. that's all you get.
fifteen. and you're all set
carry all you want
for twenty five cents
but beware
the dolphins are crying

Survey Reveals 1.8% of the Workforce Abandoned Jobs Last Year, Top 10 Reasons Why

10)          Boss calls me “Greg” when I’d rather be called “Great Samnazi of the Aqua Emblem” … .03%

9)            The Other Morticians Don’t Like It When I Paint the Bodies’ Toenails … .05%

8)            Coworkers Smile at Me after I Trip Acid and Their Toothy Grins Look Like Tongue Prisons … .1%