GOP Debate: Live Reactions

By Hannah Lynn, Holly Stavarski, Critter Fink

As you may know, the second out of eighty total GOP debates aired last night. The Pittiful News decided it would be nice write an article featuring our live reactions, witty commentary, and humorous observations. By the end, we were all pleading for mercy, begging for someone to release us from the seemingly unrelenting grips of Lucifer. Enjoy!

• Fun Fact: GOP stands for Grand Old Poophead
• imagine all the comedians that are watching this right now to write relevant jokes
• Rand Paul has mad pube-head
• Ok, in all fairness, Marco Rubio looks like a brand new Ken doll.
• A friend said to me that Ted Cruz looks like Jenny Slate and I’ll never get over it. I love you Jenny Slate I’m sorry, don’t think about this as an insult to you just as a compliment to Cruz. He looks like if you were a melted candle.
• Bragadocious definition make everyone go crazy
• Fact: Donald Trump is the love child of a corn husk and a tanning bed - nice
• Drinking game - If you take a shot every time they say Regan, you should be dead by now
• I’m no English teacher but I think Reagan’s plane in the background is symbolism for how they won’t stop sucking his dick.
• So weird that a pile of pubes can talk!!
• Jeb Bush looks like the third best accountant in the office
• I honestly just wanna flick Trump right in the neck
• Jeb Bush looks like a drawing that my least favorite child would draw of the third best accountant in the office
• Jeb Bush looks like George H.W Bush’s least favorite child
• You know when someone takes off their glasses and you’re like “Wow you look weird without glasses! That’s what Ben Carson looks like all the time.

OP-ED: Easier Ballot Access Could Allow Koch Brothers to Vote Twice!

We all know that the wealthy Koch brothers exert an alarming amount of influence over elections through their elaborate network of PACS, super PACs and super duper PACS—but just think what they’ll be able to do if liberals are able to move forward with their plans to make it easier for Americans to cast their ballots. Now that liberals are pushing for early voting, automatic registration and Get-Out-the-Vote drives, it’s going to be even harder to keep power-hungry Charles G. and David H. Koch from messing with 2016.

The brothers have announced a near $900 million dollar budget for the upcoming presidential election. This figure is especially troubling to Georgetown University political analyst, Shannon Reynolds, given that Oregon residents are now automatically able to vote with their driver’s licenses. “$900 million divided by $150, the cost of the average fake I.D., equals 6 million. That means 6 million votes for the Koch brothers,” she explained. “This is why we need stricter voter identification measures.”

Senior Drops Out to Invent Cool Stuff or Start Company or Something

Two weeks before graduating from the Swanson School of Engineering like a lame-o, Mark Feply dropped out in order to invent cool stuff or start a company or something. “Because look at Gates and Jobs and Zuckerberg,” he said.

During his four years in college, Feply had invented nothing, made no scientific breakthroughs, recorded no albums and written no books. While literally all of his friends were doing something cool with their lives, Feply failed to do anything buzzworthy.

Refusal to Vaccinate Causes Scientific Illiteracy in Children, Study Finds

A study published recently in Science found that parents’ refusal to vaccinate their children for fear of autism causes astonishing rates of scientific illiteracy in said children, who may also grow up to be conspiracy theorists. Though the refusal often leads to outbreaks of potentially deadly diseases, the study’s authors warn that the more dire consequences include denying whatever established scientific truths happen to clash with one’s cultural or religious beliefs.

BREAKING: I’m Scared to Shave because If I do then I will Look like Tintin

By Tom Harnett

Listen, It’s never easy being a ginger.  I’ve accepted the restricted life I will have to live because of my unfortunate condition.  I’ll never be able to be a Middle School teacher because I wouldn’t be able to teach over the students yelling that I don’t have a soul.  I will never be able to live in a Tropical climate because the sun is too prominent.  I’ll never be able to talk to another ginger without people assuming we are siblings.  I have accepted these things.  What I cannot accept is the fact that I look like Tintin when I’m clean shaven.

To the people that will surely take this as a slight to the semi-popular star of the line of children’s books, I mean no insult.  The fact is that I would normally enjoy looking like the star of a movie which has a 75 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and which grossed $77 million domestically.  It’s just the fact that I am 20 years old.  I should be maturing both mentally and physically, and I don’t want to look like a 13 year old cartoon boy.  

Again, I have the utmost respect for Tintin.  I would like to make that clear.  I just don’t think my love life will exactly flourish when girls see a picture of me and the cartoon youngster side by side.  And for that reason, I have decided to grow a beard.  It’s not only a beard, it’s a journey that I hope will take me to exciting places around the world where I can meet and help new people.  I can go on adventures and accomplish tasks across the earth!