Quiz: Are These One Direction Lyrics or Serial Killer Quotes?

By Shannon Kelly

1. “I was brainwashed into killing Debbie Ackerman and Maria Johnson in November 1971.”
2. “We’re like na na na then we’re like yeah yeah yeah”
3. “I’ve killed so many women I have a hard time keeping them straight”
4. “Katy Perry’s on replay, she’s on replay, DJ got the floor to shake, the floor to shake”
5. “If everytime we tuh-uh-touch, you get this kind of ruh-uh-ush baby say yeah yeah yeah”
6. “I just wanted to see how it felt to shoot Grandma”
7. “Tonight let’s get some and live while we’re young [guitar solo]”
8. “I just said that the Hawkin’s girl’s head was severed and taken up the road about twenty-five to fifty yards and buried in a location about ten yards west of the road on a rocky hillside.”
9. “The demons wanted my penis”
10. “So we laugh at na-na-nothing”
    

Dad Impressed Son Has Friends To Do Drugs With

By Phil Forrence

Monroeville, PA – “He was just never very cool.” Explains local father, Chris Pultonek,who is surprised at his son’s recent involvement with drugs. “He's not very good looking, he peed his pants until he was nine, and once called the teacher 'mom', but on purpose.” He continues, “It's nice to see that at least someone will rip a bong with him.”

Drug use is considered dangerous for many teens. Even relatively safe narcotics like marijuana can be a gateway to a life of addiction and ruin. Sixteen-year-old Cedric Pultonek, Chris's son, has weighed these points. He has chosen to take the risk. His father expresses a small amount of worry, but can't hide his wonder that people willingly hang out with his son.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Found Alive at 82

By Phil Forrence

Washington D.C. - Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was found alive in her home in Washington D.C. early Thursday morning. Reports say the justice lived peacefully in her sleep from a condition developed at birth.

Family members said they became suspicious the night before when they continued to smell her over-the-counter bunyon ointment, and continued to hear violent, shallow snoring during re-runs of Who's the Boss?

Justice Ginsburg's body was discovered by her daughter, Jane, around 7 a.m. ET. “She just woke up when it was time for her morning plasmapheresis” reports Jane. “It's so hard to believe she's still with us.”

RBG survives through her work. A cautious liberal, a staunch advocate for women's reproductive rights, and the only Justice to request pre-chewed tacos on Taco-Tuesday, Ruth Bader Ginsburg lives on through her influence on this nation and its highest court.

Study: Your Winter Despair Predicts Groundhog Day Outcome

By BD Wahlberg

Feeling empty and numb? Haven’t had a date since August? Missing your 11am class? The cold driving you inside where your only friends are your dark room and blankets? Are those friends dirty because you lack even the energy to do laundry?

Then you’re in luck! A new study out of Pittsburgh University has shown that the worse you feel and the more you ruminate on those feelings of worthlessness, the more likely it is to be cloudy on Groundhog Day, meaning Punxsutawney Phil won’t see his shadow, which means Spring will come early! As long as you keep telling yourself that the people in your life are stupid for liking you, come Feb. 2, we won’t be slated to trudge through six more weeks of winter!

A Small Poop on the Toilet Seat is actually an Urgent Fecal Matter.

By Ariel Pastore-Sebring

“Help me! I can’t breathe,” squealed the little poop as bathrooms goers, one after another, ran from the stall where Jeremy lay. He was already starting to dry out and it had only been 20 minutes since his birth mother had excreted him, thus separating him from his incubating brothers and sisters. Not only was a lone soldier on this mission, but his cannon had poor aim and left him stranded on this seat, inches away from touchdown. During the blast he lost all of his weapons except his precious piece of corn that he had been saving for weeks. He reminisced of the day that the corn kernel came to him, barely touched, begging him to take care of it. He looked down at the kernel that was wedged into his side and felt reassured that at least he had this precious gem.

Daughter Reject Daddy’s Invitation

By Holly Stavarski

Richard Dwyer had been planning this day for months. With the Daddy-Daughter Dance quickly approaching, he knew had to make the perfect proposal. He had a prepared a series of clues that led his “little princess” to a horse drawn carriage, where she was blindfolded and escorted to small rustic farmhouse that he had reserved and carefully decorated in pinks and purples. A trail of puppies led the “sweet angel of his life” to the backyard, where the self-proclaimed father of the year was kneeling. Once his “beautiful darling baby” took off her blindfold, he proposed.

“Will you go to the Daddy-Daughter Dance with me?”

He never imagined what would come next. Lily Dwyer, the five-year-old “dear light” of Richard’s life didn’t hesitate.

Famous Musician Takes High Road, Doesn’t Urinate On Local Minor

By Cassandra DellaCorte

Hip-hop hit-maker T-Klot, of “Takin’ Em Out” fame, passed on an opportunity to urinate on a mostly nude 14 year-old Saturday evening. During a post-concert party at a local residence, Kim Williams, a freshman at Penn Hills High School, allegedly offered sexual favors to T-Klot. Travis “T-Klot” Kane, 28, remarked, “I’ve kind of got it all right now. "Taking ‘Em Out” was just number one for 3 weeks, I just played a sold-out show, and I’ve got drugs and women thrown at me left and right.”

When asked if he considered Williams’ proposal, T-Klot was candid. “Yeah,” he replied, “I mean, the chick was hot, definitely looked at least 15. And everyone’s doing it. I seriously almost did, but like, then I remembered it’s kind of illegal.” Following T-Klot’s rejection, Williams called her mother for a ride home. Later that evening, T-Klot micturated on the naked breasts of an unknown 19 year-old woman on the back porch of the residence. “Oh, I definitely did that,” T-Klot admits, “you gotta piss somewhere, you know?”

Local Woman In Despair About Spending Valentine's Day Alone Conjures Up Imaginary Friend To Ease The Potent Sting Of Loneliness Before Realizing The Friend Is Merely Her Own Reflection In The Mirror

By Hannah Lynn
 
She could not be reached for comment.

Teen Struggles to Rebel Against Liberal Parents

By I.S. Mills

A local teen, who wishes to remain anonymous, reported on Monday that he is “going crazy” looking for ways to rebel against his open-minded, supportive parents. The teen claims he has been trying to seriously anger his parents since age fourteen.

“First I tried smoking cigarettes, but they chalked that up to youth and bought me Nicorette for whenever I was ready to quit,” he said. “Then I snuck out a few times, but my mom got teary when I told her about it because it reminded her of being a kid and she told me to ‘keep on keeping on,’ whatever the hell that means.”

7 Easy Ways to Make Your Crush Fall in Love with You Before Valentine’s Day

By Megan Klein

Who doesn’t want to feel loved by more than an empty box of chocolates that you bought for half off on the day after Valentine’s Day? Never worry again about missing out on the big V-day with these easy tricks to take your crush from the inescapable monotony of being unnoticed, to a first class ticket to the bone zone.

1. Wear all black to achieve a sexy look, and light a circle of candles to spark the mood.
2. Facebook stalk your crush by looking at pictures of them in their awkward high school years. Browse some of their most embarrassing posts, including “Like for a tbh” from 2010. Like it. Print out a picture of your dearly beloved, and place it in in the center of the candles.
3. Fill a chalice with the blood of your enemies, and recall all the anger and frustration of your youth. Drink this blood with the ferocity of a beast, craving a hollow release. After you have quenched your ungodly thirst, prepare a lamb to be sacrificed. Ensure it is properly bound, and carefully tie a cloth over its mouth to stop the screaming.
   

‘Eating Ass OK in 2016, not OK to Enjoy It... Yet’ Experts Say

By Grant Wicklem

 

Researchers and historians at Pittsburgh University have officially given the green light to ass-eating in 2016. From their scientific journal, Sexual Tendencies, these pundits conclude that “...eating ass is now not only socially acceptable - but scientifically acceptable - thus necessary for the progression of human sexuality.”

Harold Plugg, Rectal Expert (with specialty in Analingus), and contributor to the journal, has maintained that ass-eating is a biological imperative that we should not repress.

“When someone has more crack than your shitty coke dealer, it’s in our genetic coding that we wish to feast,” said Plugg.

Really Cool Animals - A Comprehensive List

By Danial Smith

Jaguars

Hawks

Turtles

Poison Dart Frogs

Squids

Falcons

Rhinoceroses

Polar Bears

Sharks

Dolphins

Lemurs

Ferrets

Lobsters

Grizzly Bears

Pelicans

Cats

Ostriches

Antelopes

Wombats

Porcupines

Bats

Kangaroos

Parrots

Ladybugs

Starfish

Seahorses

Gray Catbirds

Kermode Bears

Iguanas

Cuddlefish

Llamas

Panda Ants

Flamingoes

Pangolins

Peacocks

The Pornstar Nickname Generator:

By: Cat Goddess69

First Name

Birthday Month:

January Turgid

February Carnivorous

March Uncircumcised

April Monsieur

May Drippy

June Shameful

July Juicy

August Hairy

September Yeasty

October Gargling

November Cock-Juggling

December Skanky

Last Name

Birthdays:   

   

1st        Booty Wizard   

2nd        Mammoth Cock   

3rd     Mummified Egyptian

4th     Citrus Tits

5th     Kumquat Squeezer

6th     Horse Fucker

7th     Cockadile Cunter

8th     Professor Clitwick

9th     Face toilet

10th     Milk Sprayer

11th     Leather Dick

12th     Steve Jobs

13th     Pussy Pounder

14th     Gender-ambiguous seawhores

15th     Meredith

16th    Nipples

17th    Cheese Slurper

18th    Bitch-ass Aunt Joyce

19th    Michael Cera

20th    Semen Whale

21st    Dildo Hoarder

22nd    Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

23rd    Bun Stopper

24th    Krabby Patty Secret Recipe

25th    Clit Wrangler

26th    Barack Hussein Obama

27th    Ghost of Christmas ASS

28th    Tip

29th    Cum Dumpster

30th     Crochpot Dinner

31st         Hurricane Irene

Med School Impressed By Applicant's Ability To Jump Through Hoops

By Phil Forrence

Medical schools across the country have competitive admissions processes. Many otherwise-qualified students are turned away for reasons like low community involvement, not enough time spent working in a health-care environment, or low GPA. However, one local student has impressed Pittsburgh University’s Medical School (PUMS) with her ability to jump through hoops.

“I would eat a bug,” said Julia Driver. She has top notch grades, excellent references, and to top it all off, will do literally anything to go to medical school. “I might even eat two bugs,” Julia conjectures about her med school drive. This star performer has dazzled the PUMS with her excellence. “She has a commitment to us liking her that is tough to come by these days,” Explains Dr. Jim Ratts, Head of Admissions. “In her cover letter, she states that she might eat two bugs to gain admittance to our institution, but I'm willing to bet under the correct conditions she would eat three bugs to sate our thirst for groveling.”

Obituaries for Sims Presidential Candidates

By Ossia Dwyer

The Pittiful News is sad to announce the loss of Sim Hillary Clinton. She was swimming when Bill deleted the ladder so he could woohoo with the maid.

The loss of Sim Bernie Sanders seemed inevitable but luckily his hoard of college age supporters seduced the grim reaper and Sim Sanders has been given the trait of eternal life.

Sim Jeb Bush perished in a freak accident. His brother, Sim George Bush, was trying to cook something fancy without the right cooking skill and left Sim Jeb to put out the flames.

We are forced to report on the death of Sim Ben Carson. He chose to transform into a ghost so that he could scare children at night.

We lost the great Sim Chris Christie early this afternoon. He ate an expired meatball sandwich he found on the ground.

Nicholas Sparks takes over Valentine’s Day

By Jessica Simpson

This one is for all you lovers out there.  Here at the Pittiful News. we have the scoop on America’s favorite cliché, sappy writer.  In addition to his widely anticipated movie “The Choice,” Nicholas Sparks has another film brewing in the mix.  

I bet you all think that this newly divorced homophobic man’s career has gone progressively downhill since The Notebook.   Perhaps you’re right.

But alas in spite of these minor setbacks, Sparks is making a comeback.  He’s back.  Back again.  Tell a friend. Ask yourself: what did The Notebook have that other Nicholas Sparks films didn’t? 

Pathfinders? More like Path-Losers.

By Critter Fink

Everyone’s favorite Pittsburgh University tour guide cult known as Pathfinders have spiraled after a series of arrests and questionable actions last semester. Top secret informants informed The Pittiful News that it’s only a matter of time before every single Pathfinder will be, “going down a very dark and sad path; if they can even find their way to it.”

Gallon Man Records-Four Way Split

Gallon Man Records

Four Way Split

Gallon Man Records; 2016

By 

Steven Jaindl

; January 21, 2016

 7.3

What is ‘indie’? The term has acquired such a variety of connotations—pejorative and celebratory and everything in between—that any attempted use of ‘indie’ has become muddled and direly unspecific. You’re almost better off trying to use the term ‘hipster.’ These days, major label signees that garner millions of views on YouTube pass as ‘indie,’ and music publications owned by corporate conglomerates hold troubling amounts of tastemaking power, obscuring their innate middlebrow nature behind assertions of ‘indie-ness’ and ‘progressivity.’

Celebrity Baby Names

By Jessica Simpson

This coveted list of emerging baby names was sent to us from 2020.  If by chance you have a list of names you are entertaining for your future nonexistent children, feel free to add one or two of these to your personal list.  

1. “Quinoa” spelled phonetically (Keen-wa).
2. Any nail polish name.
3. “David Bowie Too”
4. “Mop” - It arouses the hipster in of you that objects to Swiffers.
5. “Sorry”- For the Beliebers, the overly apologetic, or the accidental mothers
6. “Guac” - If you are a disguised Avocado aficionado
7. “Tampon” - For the Bleeding Love and Kotex enthusiasts.  
8. “SleepNumber” - Parents who are honest about the real conception location
9. “R2-D2” - For rebel Star Wars fans
10. “Twit” - Short for Twitter, easy to rhyme, and soon it will be trending
11. “K” - The Kardashian-Jenner influence cemented in one letter
12. “G-Neut” - The abbreviated way to spell gender neutral