BREAKING: I’m Scared to Shave because If I do then I will Look like Tintin

By Tom Harnett

Listen, It’s never easy being a ginger.  I’ve accepted the restricted life I will have to live because of my unfortunate condition.  I’ll never be able to be a Middle School teacher because I wouldn’t be able to teach over the students yelling that I don’t have a soul.  I will never be able to live in a Tropical climate because the sun is too prominent.  I’ll never be able to talk to another ginger without people assuming we are siblings.  I have accepted these things.  What I cannot accept is the fact that I look like Tintin when I’m clean shaven.

To the people that will surely take this as a slight to the semi-popular star of the line of children’s books, I mean no insult.  The fact is that I would normally enjoy looking like the star of a movie which has a 75 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and which grossed $77 million domestically.  It’s just the fact that I am 20 years old.  I should be maturing both mentally and physically, and I don’t want to look like a 13 year old cartoon boy.  

Again, I have the utmost respect for Tintin.  I would like to make that clear.  I just don’t think my love life will exactly flourish when girls see a picture of me and the cartoon youngster side by side.  And for that reason, I have decided to grow a beard.  It’s not only a beard, it’s a journey that I hope will take me to exciting places around the world where I can meet and help new people.  I can go on adventures and accomplish tasks across the earth!

Pitt Chancellor Shedding His Skin and Leaving It All Over the Place

By Hannah Lynn

 

Although it has been over a year since the announcement that Patrick Gallagator would take the reigns as chancellor after previous chancellor Mark Nordenberg's departure, he wasn't formally installed until February. And yet already, he has become a burden. Gallagator, widely known to be a Lizard Person, has been shedding large amounts of his scaly skin all over campus.

"I was just walking around the Cathedral, minding my own business, when I tripped over something," said Junior Roman Morris. "It wasn't till I looked up from my phone that I saw this like, huge reptile skin. Only it wasn't in the shape of a snake it was in the shape of a man!"

That man is Patrick Gallagator, known Lizard Person.

But Morris isn't the only one to come across this pile of discarded lizard flesh; there have been reports of it being found in the Henry Heymann theater, next to the Taco Bell in William Pitt Union, and even dangling off part of the roof of the Cathedral of Learning.

Kung Fu Master Tired of Random Challenges

By John Meyer

Local martial arts champion and hero Tony Kalinski has expressed frustration at the flurry of random physical challenges imposed on him after being chosen to represent Western Pennsylvania at this year’s Mid-Atlantic Kung-Fu Extravaganza!

In only the past four days, Kalinski has been challenged or randomly assaulted a total of 33 times, mostly in places that he describes as “full of expensive and breakable stuff.” The assaults have occurred at all hours of the day, ranging from simple fist-to-fist challenges to more elaborate ambushes.

Fortunately, none of the challenges have been particularly trying for the martial artist. “It’s pretty weird, because a lot of times there will be like 20 guys that surround me, but they all come one at a time, so it’s not that hard,” Kalinski remarked. “If they would all rush me at once, I couldn’t handle them, but since they never do that, I win every time.”

Pittiful News Staff Obituaries

Unfortunately, the entire Pittiful News staff has perished over the course of a few weeks. This is an honest tragedy, but we are lucky that most of them composed their own obituaries before death.

Stephen Jaindl

Stephen Jaindl died in a ball pit yesterday.  He shall be remembered.

 

John Meyer

John Meyer is presumed to be dead after falling into a pit of quicksand on the Cathedral lawn early Thursday morning. As he has no living relatives, Meyer left his fortune of professional wrestling memorabilia to The Las Palmas Foundation®. His last wish of having Brendan Fraser and Cuba Gooding Jr. sing “Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi at his funeral was not fulfilled.

Holly Stavarski

"I’ll be back."

Mike Citrola

Champion hot air balloon artist, Mike Citrola, died on April 26th upon being struck by a bus. A strong advocate for looking both ways, he ignored his own advice to avoid saying hello to someone he knew on the sidewalk. Citrola is survived by a hundred empty cartons of
Whole Grain Goldfish, and his snake-themed punk band, Tonguesniff.

Hannah Lynn

On Saturday night, Hannah Lynn died tragically as she was set aflame while also being devoured by wolves. She is survived by her Neopets.

The Pittiful News Singles Meat ‘N Greet

By Mike Citrola

We here at The Pittiful News are tremendously grateful for all the readers who participate in our fundraising initiatives. As you likely know, we make money by selling t-shirts and hosting parties at bars, but our most overwhelmingly successful fundraiser is always our annual Singles Meat ‘N Greet. This event is Pittsburgh’s primary romantic butchering night, going down on April whateverth on the sidewalk, by the burnt-down doghouse village on Ophelia Street.

When you arrive at the Meat ‘N Greet, you will be paired with another attendee based on our one compatibility criterion: butchering skill. We provide the goggles, aprons, bone-saws, meat-grinders, meat-hooks, meat-knives, meat-flags, meat-staplers, blood-buckets, wine-buckets, meat-buckets, bone-bags, wet-wipes, and smooth jams. All you have to bring is a donation of your choice and a capacity for romantic love.

Weather Report

By Pittiful Weatherwoman Hannah Lynn

Saturday

The sun will make an appearance for roughly 3.45 seconds.

Sunday

Partially Cloudy. Look out for a special Death Moon!

Monday

The world is on fire and hell is eternal.

Tuesday

*A car horn blares in the distance for several hours*

Wednesday

You have angered the gods. Thunderstorms likely. Take cover, my son.

Thursday

Who even cares.

Friday

It is raining men.

Woman who opens public bathroom door without knocking literally raised by wolves

By Hannah Lynn

In the middle of a bustling California Pizza Kitchen, 19-year-old Kathy Lupin caused a stir when she opened a one-stall public bathroom, without knocking, to find another young woman, 33-year-old Shelly Koch, peeing. Koch shrieked and Devine seemed shocked to find the bathroom occupied even though, as previously stated, she didn’t knock.

Several patrons of the restaurant shook their heads disapprovingly as they shoved another bite of Caesar salad down their gullets. “Well now who doesn’t knock? That’s just plain wrong,” said waiter Olga Croutonn. “I mean was she raised by wolves?”

Woman who doesn't lock public bathroom door killed by her own naïveté

By Hannah Lynn

On Monday, tragedy struck as 19-year-old Shelly Koch was killed in an apparent wolf attack in a public bathroom at an Olive Garden restaurant. Investigations are underway by local police and animal to figure out the cause of death as well as how a wild wolf entered unnoticed into an Olive Garden.

Police Officer Willy Wallace believes that Koch left the bathroom door unlocked and is therefore partially responsible. “Look, I’m not saying it’s her fault a wolf attacked her in an Olive Garden, but those locks are there for a reason,” he said.

Clarissa Clearwater, a patron who was in line for the bathroom, witnessed to the incident in its entirety. “It was crazy, the wolf just came out of nowhere and burst into the bathroom!” she said. “And frankly I find it hard to believe that this wolf didn’t see me waiting in line. I still haven’t peed!”

I Was Born in the Wrong Generation

By Tom Harnett

When I look at on my peer group I see nothing but people who don’t understand me.  I mean, what are we even doing in our generation?  We think everything we make is great but don’t realize they actually aren't.  How great do you think your iPod is? Because I have a collection of over 47 vinyl’s that I bet your iPod couldn't even play.  Think the new Taylor Swift album is good?  Well it doesn't matter, because your opinion is irrelevant unless you've listened to Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel at least 10 times on LSD.  What I’m trying to say is I don’t belong in this generation.

I should have been born in the 60’s.  That was the point in time where I would actually fit in.  The evidence is pretty much overwhelming:

Man in Witness Protection Doesn’t Like Me Following Him

By Phil Forrence

“Can I help you?” asks Greg, a twenty-seven-year-old dark haired male of medium build. “How did you know I was twenty-seven?” Greg asks quickly. Greg’s eyes dart around as if alarmed, confused. “Of course I’m confused, who are you talking to and why are you holding an audio recorder?” During our interview, I asked Greg about his last name and his previous whereabouts before Greg became the sole witness to that unsolved triple-homicide-quintuple-suicide-koala-bear-heist. “This is NOT an interview, BUS DRIVER, STOP THE BUS, I am getting off. Leave me alone. I didn’t see no koala-heist, got it? Leave the hell alone.” 

It seems Greg enjoys playing hard-to-get, but that’s probably why Greg joined the Witness Protection Program in the first place. Greg knows what he is good at. Greg’s the kind of guy who won’t give you answers unless you conceal yourself in his sink-cabinet and accost him as he begins to search for extra floss. “HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE? HOW DID YOU FIT IN THERE?? WHY DID YOU BRING A KOALA-BEAR?!?” 

Independent Rapists Still Manage to Find Opportunities Outside of Greek Life

Despite recent trends, it’s important to remember that the college rape experience need not be limited to Greek life. Many college rapists report meaningful non-consensual sex without ever having to rush a fraternity. College sophomore and rapist, Adam Joseph, likes having the freedom to rape on his own without ever having to go to meetings or pay dues. “I didn’t want to buy into this whole system,” said Joseph.

Guy Rapping in Quiet Study Room Actually Really Good

At 2:51 p.m. this Monday, five students felt themselves in the presence of greatness in the quiet study room when they heard another student rapping to the music in his headphones. His cadences were uniquely powerful, his rhythm impeccable. The other students reportedly glowed with awe of his performance as they tried to ignore such rare beauty and go on studying in the annoying silence.

Police Brutality and Systemic Racism Renders KKK Obsolete

By Mia Feldman

Once a terrifying force of racism and violence, the KKK has been less conspicuous in recent years. Many would like to think the group’s decline has been the result of tolerance and education in an increasingly diverse America. Instead, the police force has gradually usurped the role of America’s once feared clansmen.

“I wish we could at least say we infiltrated the police force,” said Adam White, senior clansman. “But that just wouldn’t be true. We clansmen have to face the facts that if America’s police force is going to systematically oppress people of color, like they did in Ferguson, then it’s sill silly of us to be riding around wearing sheets on our heads trying to scare people?”

Hillary Cllinton Private E-mail Leak!

By John Meyer

In the past few weeks, it has come to light that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used a private e-mail account during her time in office as opposed to the provided government e-mail traditionally used. The Pittiful News has been given exclusive access to this private account and boy, is it shocking. I mean there is some truly shocking things going on in here. But hey, we'll let you be the judge on whether this possible future presidential candidate has crossed the line.