Sochi Referee Totally Blanks on Curling Rules

Freezing up just when he was needed most, Winter Olympics official, Charles Reese fell apart during the final moments of the Sochi men's curling qualifiers today. Evidently, Reese forgot to give out a yellow card or something when one of the um... the guy that slides off to the side at the end? That guy did something and the ref was like not doing something right or something? Anyway, this morning, Reese casts both his home country of the United States and, frankly, the whole world under a great and terrible shame.

Laziness Recognized as Mental Illness

Benjamin Zorich, recently hospitalized with a bout of laziness,
has been suffering from the disorder his entire life.

Laziness has achieved the status of a legitimate mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health committee that reviewed copious research studies announced this conclusion at a recent conference of the American Psychiatric Association.

“Laziness has always been perceived as a character flaw worthy of shame and punishment,” said Aaron Lipsnik, a historian of medicine and a member of the committee, adding that such attitude was a product of ignorance and equating it to the once-held belief that failure to pray causes typhoid fever. “With the aid of modern medicine we can finally help those afflicted by the illness to lead productive lives and achieve everything they want to.”

Vegetarians Fight for Right to Eat Meat

Numerous protests broke out on Pitt’s campus in the first week of the spring semester as a part of the Meat for Me movement. Indignant vegetarians, fed up with people telling them what they can or cannot do, are determined to reclaim their constitutional right.

“Just because I’m a vegetarian doesn’t mean that I can’t eat meat,” said Nancy Barometer, a Pitt junior and one of the organizers of the protests. “I’m sick of hearing people tell me I can’t do this or do that just because I belong to a minority group. This grave social injustice has to stop, and it has to stop now.”

Higgs Boson Missing

Higgs boson, the elusive elementary particle that took almost five decades to be found, was reported missing on the morning of January 1st. 

“It took me most of my life to find my little darling,” said Peter Higgs, the British theoretical physicist who initiated the search. “I’ve been losing sleep looking for her. I gave her my last name. We finally met one lovely evening at the Big Hadron Collider a year ago. I took her home and was happy.”

CBS Launches 'Relatable' New Sitcom

By Hannah Lynn

At a brainstorming meeting last week, CBS executive John Whiteface pitched an idea for a new television show, which he described as “full of potential.” The show, which Whiteface pitched with the working title “The Sitcom,” revolves around four twenty-something men, who are all roommates.

“It’s got some really great characters. You know, there’s the neurotic guy looking for love, the one with the big ego, the nerd, and the smooth guy who’s always coaching the others,” he explained

When asked what made this sitcom stand out, Whiteface cited its relatability. “They’re just four guys living their lives in the city. Everyone can get that,” he said. Dave Johnson, another executive at the meeting, asked Whiteface about what role diversity played in the show. “I just want to make sure we fill our quota,” he said. “Oh and being inclusive whatnot,” he quickly added. Whiteface assured him that one of the guys could definitely be black.

Local Boy Being Raised by Wolves Has Excellent Parent-Teacher Conference

Local fifth-grader and otherwise stand-up boy, Matthew Blake, breathed a sigh of relief today as his wolf-parents, Balto and Groin-Gnasher, found the teacher to be very polite to and complimentary about him. In an exclusive interview, Matt explained “Mom and Dad said my teacher, Mr. Rowanowsky, seemed tasty- er tastefully engaged with me and my studies. Mr. Rowanowsky didn’t even bring up the time I peed on all the other kids’ backpacks and then rubbed my armpit glands on the biggest kid in class to mark my new territory. Mom and Dad were worried that the humans wouldn’t like that but despite all the detentions he gave me, it seems like Mr. R is on my side!”

Desperate Student Resorts to Dissecting Himself during Anatomy Midterm

"The Pittiful News" Oscar Picks!

Best Picture

Spaghetti and Meatpucks
A down-on-his-luck pizzeria owner discovers he’s got a 100mph slap-shot… but only if he hits a sliced slab of frozen salami! Join Vincenzo the pizza guy in his quest to join the New York Islanders with the help of his trusty three foot leg of salami, Sasha the Salami, (voiced by James Earl Jones). An up-and-down zany dramedy with all the twist and turns of a fresh rotini noodle. Three cheers for Spaghetti and Meatpucks!

Movies to look out for in 2014

By Hannah Lynn

Noah: If there’s one thing this world does not need, it’s Darren Aronofsky telling the classic biblical tale of Noah and his ark. What’s next, Quentin Tarantino directs “Moses?”

Muppets Most Wanted: How about least wanted? There was maybe one person who requested a sequel to the Muppet movie.

The Amazing Spiderman 2: Didn’t this movie come out already?

Fifty Shades of Grey: I’m fifty shades of DONE with this book. I’m pretty sure the movie already exists; it’s called porn. Google it, idiots. If they make the whole trilogy I’m going to sue Stephenie Meyer for creating a monster. 

University Store Sells Customized Pitt Condoms

By Dippy Diplodocus
In preparation for the blizzard-like season predicted for the University of Pittsburgh, the University Store has stocked for the always school-spirited Pitt students lip balms, beanies, scarves and jackets all monogrammed with the classy blue and gold Pitt logo. Students no longer had to worry about keeping survivable bodily temperatures and moisturized lips without exuberating their vivacious reverence for their school.

Government Now Issuing Menstrual Cycles to Girls on 18th Birthday

A new amendment to the Affordable Care Act was passed this week. The government is now regulating menstrual cycles for all women under the ACA, presenting women with their first menstrual cycle on their 18th birthday, the passage into adulthood.
Healthcare industries and parents are excited about this addition as teenage pregnancy rates are going to decrease rapidly, in, that they will be non-existent. Dr. Nancy Pratt, Gynecologist at Magee Women’s Hospital and teen sex counselor, said, “studies are indicating a rapid decrease in teenage pregnancies after the passing of this law. Menstrual cycles normally occur at the age of 13 in American females, withholding this natural occurrence will prevent the fertilization of young women until they are considered adults and reputable human beings, sort of. Unfortunately, this may increase the rates of intercourse among teens and the potential increase of sexually transmitted diseases, but most importantly the law will eliminate shows like Teen Moms.”

A Day in the Life of Mica the Cat

The Pittiful News sat down with local pet, Mica the cat, to learn more about the daily life of Oakland pets. Unfortunately we were not able to understand Mica,we only heard, “Mrow! Mew mew mew. Meow. Mew. Mew. Mrow. Mew,” so we worked with Betsy Colton, cat translator.

Mica started with a jump off the couch, a tumble over a toy, and dash into the living room. Betsy noted this as a positive reaction translating to, “Human and I are great friends. We play together and she is a warm surface to lay on.” Human nodded in approval, surprised at Mica’s kind way of words, but nervous to see what her cat really has to say about her.

Edward Fortyhands Kills Three Pitt Students

Edward Fortyhands has been described by many Pitt students as “cool”, “fun,” and “pretty competitive, but in a good way.” He has helped bring people together, make parties more enjoyable, and even get people drunk, with happiness. This is why it comes as such a shock that this past weekend, Edward Fortyhands killed three students living in McCormick Hall.

Santa Letter of the Week!

Dear Santa,

It’s Jimmy here, writing my annual letter. I think I’ve been a good boy this year, except for that time I broke mom’s vase and blamed Christy. How are things at the North Pole? I hope you’ve had a good year. Oh wait, JUST KIDDING. I hope your year has been terrible. I hope your beard caught on fire. I hope eating all those cookies finally gave you diabetes. I hope Mrs. Claus didn’t let you touch her all year.  

Nerdy Geese Spotted Migrating in Rare "Flying Sigma"

U.S. to Invade the United States

U.S. will promptly begin a military intervention in the United States, President and commander-in-chief Barack Obama announced at a press-conference last Monday. Obama was quick to emphasize that it will be “not a war, but a helping hand to a struggling people.”

Unprocrastination Epidemic Hits Pitt

Students and faculty at Pitt scramble to reestablish order in the wake of the recent unprocrastination epidemic that hit the campus in the past two weeks. This semester, zero students did not procrastinate on studying for their final exams and writing their final papers—a staggering 7,000-percent increase from zero students in the past decade, a statistician said.

The number quickly spread through the media, local and federal officials, and medical experts. The investigations that the news sparked revealed that a similar increase has taken place on virtually all college campuses.

The Buyin' King

In the past few years, Black Friday sales have escalated from a simple post-Thanksgiving sale, to a violent display of consumerism. Last Friday, the crowds at a local Wal-Mart got out of hand and tragedy struck one family. Mufasa Lyons, 43, was stampeded to death by an overeager crowd rushing to get their hands on the hottest markdowns. He was at the sale with his son, Simba Lyons, who could not be reached for comment as he has disappeared.

NSA Agent Hacks into Her Secret Santa's Cyber Monday Cart, Discovers Disappointing "Silver Spoons" Boxset

It has been another difficult week for the NSA as agents around the department do damage control following a barrage of new internal leaks from former contractor, Edward Snowden. However, in an act of defiance to escape the negative vibes, Special Agent Ruby Smiths took it upon herself to search for some fun Fourth-Amendment-fraud with a dash of yuletide cheer. What she found would surely haunt her for the remaining holiday season.

President Obama Forced to Explain the Debt Ceiling to Vice President Biden with Sock Puppets

In a last-ditch maneuver to help Vice President Biden understand the causes and implications of the national debt, President Obama resorted to putting on a one act sock puppet play entitled “Mr. Fuzzy Owes Fed. Chairman McDoodly” so that that the VP may finally understand the nation’s dire financial situation.

Looking for an Alternative to ObamaCare? Try BidenCare!

While the Affordable Care Act website undergoes maintenance due to a few glitches, Vice President Biden would like to remind voters that he himself established a federally-funded healthcare option in 1996 called Uncle Joe’s Cheap-Ass Doctor 9000.

Biden’s healthcare plan covers the following:

Google Translate Special Report: Federal Government Ropening

Pressed by deadlines, The Pittiful News hired Google Translate to write some of our more time-sensitive articles about the reopening of the federal government. Please, be patient with Google Translate. This is the best it could do.

            Good Sabbath, the Congresses have settled. Between Obama’s President and Paul’s Ryan both decide is not a-go the government. More news to say from the Parliamentary man, “It’s much of a problem but the a answer did appear.”

New Invention Revolutionizes Communication

“The age of pettiness has finally arrived!” began the Dutch scientist Bettina Sorger’s presentation at the PopTech conference held last week in Camden, Maine.

In 2012, Sorger’s team at Maastricht University developed a mind-reading system that allows people to type without moving or speaking, thereby making communication with completely paralyzed people possible. The team’s newest gizmo, however, is undeniably far more beneficial to humanity.

Developing the Proper Reading of a Children's Classic

The National Endowment for the Humanities (NEH) recently awarded Ted Vrenkel, a University of Pittsburgh graduate student in the Department of English, a $50,000 grant in the field of American literature. The modest sum will fund Vrenkel’s current research project titled “Gleksonian dynamics of intrapersonal diffraction in ‘The Cat in the Hat,’” an innovative analysis of the classic but commonly misunderstood children’s book by Dr. Seuss.

“This seminal work of American pre-postmodernism has traditionally been analyzed using the Flennon-Psanti trans-metaromantic approach with traces of technocratic multi-variability,” Vrenkel explained, “but that approach disregards the third quasi-differential modality of Dr. Seuss’s anthropomorphic cat. My comprehensive analysis factors in all of that plus the cylindrical post-Einsteinian integrability of the cat’s hat, thereby promising the most thorough understanding of the book.”

Woman sent to hospital, family blames Miley Cyrus

Linda Simmons, a 46-year-old mother of two, was sent to the hospital earlier this week after she hurt herself rolling her eyes too hard at Miley Cyrus. After hearing Cyrus’ newly released album “Bangerz,” Simmons rolled her eyes with such disdain that they would not return to their natural state.

Her daughter, 15-year-old Susie Simmons is worried about her mother’s condition. “When I was little, she always told me that if I kept rolling my eyes like that, they would stay that way. Why didn’t she listen to her own advice? WHY?” said Susie.

Simmons, like many moms across the country, has been disgusted with the pop star’s recent provocative behavior from the VMAs to her Rolling Stone cover. While most teenagers seem to be indifferent, mothers cannot seem to help bringing up the issue everywhere from family dinners to book clubs. “She really seems to hate this Molly fellow, so I don’t know why she keeps bringing them up,” said her husband, Phil. “I’m more of Selena Gomez fan myself,” he added.

Susie suspects her mother’s injury might be due to the fact that she is still mourning the death of Hannah Montana. “I mean, I miss her too but everyone has to move on at some point,” she said.

Simmons remains stable, but has not been able to look away from the ceiling for almost two weeks. As of now, doctors have not found a cure for Linda’s condition, but they hope to create an antidote before it plagues others across the nation.