University Store Sells Customized Pitt Condoms

By Dippy Diplodocus
In preparation for the blizzard-like season predicted for the University of Pittsburgh, the University Store has stocked for the always school-spirited Pitt students lip balms, beanies, scarves and jackets all monogrammed with the classy blue and gold Pitt logo. Students no longer had to worry about keeping survivable bodily temperatures and moisturized lips without exuberating their vivacious reverence for their school.

Now, in a celebratory mood for the holiday season, the University Store will be selling Pitt condoms.

“What better way proclaim your school spirit than to integrate it into all your recreational activities, including your less than impressive sex lives?” said Patty Yuen, marketing director for the University Store.

The line of Pitt condoms features a variety of different designs, including a glittery condom and a glow-in-the-dark one.

“I bought the glow-in-the-dark condoms for all my residents,” said Matt Camden, an RA at Nordenberg Hall. “I love this school, and I want to share that love with all my guys, not to mention the bonus of practicing safe sex. Hail to Pitt!"

The most popular seller among the students is the condom designed to represent the Pitt Panther. With authentic fang markings and paws, this one, according to many male students, is empowering for the men.

“Of course, safe sex has always been on our list of concerns here,” said Sal Jones of Student Affairs. “But promoting blind, savage worship for Pitt through the guise of safe sex? That’s just pure genius. Whatever intern came up with that one should be proud.”

According to the sales, the condoms are quite popular among students, and thus, the jump in sales has prompted the University Store to consider selling more Pitt sex merchandise.

“Who knows? In the future, we could be seeing Pitt lubricants, vibrators or dental dams,” said Yuen. “Not many people use dental dams, but if they bleed blue and gold, they’ll sell.”