Editorial: Only Way To Stop Bad Guy With Suicide Vest Is Good Guy With Suicide Vest

By Phil Forrence

The term existential threat is not one I understand. However, the recent attacks in Paris demonstrate ISIS poses an immense existential threat to the United States. Suicide bombers force security guards to play a decidedly less-charming version of 'Where's Waldo?' at every high volume football game and concert. ISIS exploits the difficult-to-detect terror strategy of lining explosives inside previously non-explosive sweater vests.

In & Out List 2015

As 2015 comes to a close, The Pittiful News has compiled a list of what's out this year, and what's in for 2016. Then again, the world is melting and we're all on fire so nothing matters. Stay cool out there kids!

Local Handjob Goes Horribly Wrong

By Phil Forrence

Lisa Simmons was born with the natural ten fingers. 

“I heard the screams from here.” Lisa's neighbor Ted Grossman recalls, “I just hoped everyone was okay.” 

After Monday's events, she is left with only seven. “I had just settled down to watch a movie with my Tim when he suddenly became very horny.” She chokes through incessant tears, “We'd already finished having sex so I offered to give him a handy so we could enjoy San Andreas without the awkward sexual reluctance. He accepted.” Then it began.

Reporters say that during one particularly violent backward arm swing, Lisa smacked her elbow into her book shelf causing a bag of gummy worms to fall on top of the two lovers. 

Unfortunately, the bag had been opened, eaten from, and not properly stored months earlier so the gummy worms had been eaten by live earth worms who had set up camp in the bag.