Pioneer Plaques Come Back with Message from ETs

Note the misanthropy glowing in the upper left corner.

On Tuesday NASA announced the first received reply to an attempt to contact extraterrestrials: “nice try LMAO :D” The message was scribbled in black marker on the Pioneer plaques, a pair of aluminum plaques with a pictorial message for extraterrestrials that were sent beyond the Solar System aboard the Pioneer 1 and 2 spacecraft in 1972 and ’73. An alien-made capsule containing the plaques parachuted into NASA headquarters last week.

“Um, yeah...this is huge and stuff, but not quite what we were expecting,” said Nathan Kilduff, head of the NASA group analyzing the plaques. “Chemical analysis revealed traces of mockery and condescending laughter on the surface of the plaques that were like, ‘you stupid cavemen, thinking we don’t know what you or your solar system looks like or that we haven’t been watching your ludicrous little lives for centuries now, you pathetic worms,’” Kilduff said. He added that mass spectrometry of the particles of extraterrestrial matter found on the plaques spelled out that maybe we should first learn to live entirely in the fifth dimension or at least break the speed of light before they deign to have anything to do with the amoebas that we are.

Extraterrestrials declined to comment, citing our unworthiness.