Port Authority Allows Music Without Headphones if It’s “Totally Swag”

Bonus swag points

PITTSBURGH — Port Authority of Allegheny County will allow music to be played loudly without headphones on all of its buses, trolleys, and inclines, provided that the song playing is “totally swag,” said spokesman Aaron Shpuck. The new law, geared for those who can’t live without auditory sources of swag and don’t have headphones, will go into effect on July 14.

Photo of Man Enjoying Hot Dog Draws Ire

John Kendalls, he who hates beautiful animals

The photo of a 19-year-old Texas Tech student and football player John Kendalls eating a hot dog with visible pleasure has drawn indignation and ire of hundreds of animal lovers since he posted it on his Facebook page. The disapproving comments range from frowny faces to death threats but all convey the feeling of repulsion and disgust elicited by Kendalls’ posing happily next to parts of dead pigs and cows. His critics call him “sick” and “depraved” for partaking in the murder of beautiful animals and boasting about it online.

Chancellor Gallagher on Pitt's Having Highest Tuition: "Suck it up."

PITTSBURGH — In a press conference on Monday, one week after the release of a study by the U.S. Department of Education that showed that Pitt is the most expensive four-year public college in the country, Pitt’s chancellor Patrick Gallagher admitted that there is absolutely no way to prevent this or lower the costs.

Medal-less Olympians to Receive Consolation Trophies

LAUSANNE, Switzerland — Olympic Parents of America (OPA) has succeeded in pleading the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to award trophies to the their sweetie-pie Olympians who came back from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics without a medal, according to a statement released by the IOC on Monday.

The petition was submitted when parents of medal-less Olympians began to notice how demoralized their little pumpkins appeared once the Games were over and everyone went back to not caring about winter sports. The petition’s authors lamented that there was nothing shiny to remind their children of their inherent brilliance and uniqueness because the honor of being selected to compete with the world’s top athletes “ain’t worth shit” and has the demeaning implication that some people are better than others at certain things, whether due to genetics or hard work.

Child Not Answering Call is Dead or Dying, Parents Think

Update: the tiny pink slice shouldn't be there
Image source: www.cynical-c.com

Researchers at Harvard University announced on Tuesday that the results of their study of the reaction of parents to their children’s not answering their phone, published in January in Journal of Family Psychology, were partially wrong, and parents actually never think that their child didn't pick up the phone because of not hearing it or because the battery was dead.

According to the study, when their child didn't answer their call, parents attributed this to the child’s dying 50% of the time, to the child’s being dead 49.5% of the time, and to the child’s not hearing the phone or the phone’s battery having run out 0.5% of the time, as shown in the chart. Reanalysis of raw data showed the latter 0.5% to be the result of an error in calculations and therefore does not represent actual parental reactions.

Pittiful News Reporter Fired for Fabricaiton

Dear readers,

We are (not) sorry to inform you that Richard Damey, a former Pittiful News reporter and writer, has been forever dismissed from the staff. Several of Damey’s articles were found to contain fabricated quotes and sources—a heinous crime in journalism. Damey admitted to have thought that he was being witty by making up quotes, that he was using a lie to show the truth, but to us it was still just a lie.

We here at the Pittiful News strive for quality investigative and news reporting, which in turn requires wholehearted commitment to the highest standards of journalism. Damey has violated these standards and thus your trust in us. We are truly sorry for this, and his dismissal is meant to show you where our loyalties and values really are. Our team of detail-obsessed professional fact-checkers has already begun attending an extensive series of fact-checking workshops focusing on catching the smallest inaccuracies before they reach the print again. We take these matters seriously and don’t want another smart-ass like Damey to undermine our reputation for hundred-percent truth.

We apologize yet again and promise to do all in our power to not let an incident like this happen in the future.

Sincerely,
The Pittiful News Staff  

EPA, Obama to American Public: 'We've Run Out of Animal Bloopers'

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Troubling. Absolutely troubling. Another global environmental crisis looms on the horizon today as President Obama has stepped forward to notify American citizens the terrible news we all have suspected for quite some time: the world is out of animal bloopers.

You Are Sick, Weak, Need Help, Experts Say

You—yes, you—are indeed mentally sick, weak, and need help, stated a group of mental health experts totally not at all affiliated with the pharmaceutical industry in a special report published on Friday. The report is based on a many-year study of your deeply dysfunctional cognition, behavior, emotional responses, and psyche at large, and confirms your suspicions that your reactions to seemingly ordinary circumstances are sufficiently pathological for a mental diagnosis.

PETA Announces: "No, seriously. Screw Mosquitoes"

NORFOLK, Virginia -- In a landmark press release just today, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals officially renewed its commitment to protecting all forms of wildlife... minus the mosquito. The statement read, "Although our organization has been protecting wild and domestic life for the greater part of thirty years, our work is far from finished. PETA will always side on behalf of our disenfranchised animal companions. Except the mosquito. Screw that thing."

First-Grade Teacher Fired Over Not Knowing Everything

Nicole Blismuth, a first-grade teacher at Riverton Elementary School in Riverton, Pa, was fired “with a loud friggin’ bang” over not knowing everything, school officials said. The shameful incompetence came to light only in the closing weeks of the school year.

“It all began when the parents of one of her students called us and complained that their child was getting on their nerves with questions about the smell of the Moon and texture of the rainbow,” said the school’s principal Joe Koomva. “Naturally, parents demanded to know what their child’s teacher was wasting class time on if even such basic questions were left unanswered.”

Yet Another Résumé-Enhancing Honor Society Comes to Pitt

The official emblem of the Alpha Alpha Alpha Alpha Honor Society

Alpha Alpha Alpha Alpha, a yet another collegiate honor society, announced in a press release that this fall it will open chapters in 50 new colleges and universities, including Pitt. “Seeing our past success in enhancing résumés and self-esteem, we wanted to spread our reach to more students in need,” the press release stated.

Joseph Mblo, the Prime President-Elect of Pitt’s chapter, said that AAAA is no different from any other honor society.

“You know, we admit anybody with a GPA above 3.5—oh wait, it’s 3.0 now, because we strive for diversity and inclusion—to recognize and honor their academic achievement,” Mblo said. “We call our beer-guzzling nitwits ‘scholars’ and do vague things like foster student community engagement, provide quality leadership opportunities and forums for the open-minded exchange of ideas, and cultivate a lifelong habit of critical inquiry and scholastic excellence. Although many of these involve pizza, sitting around, and designing t-shirts, don’t be fooled by appearances: it’s not what we do that matters, but why we do it.”

Man Distraught After Jogging Without Earphones

Matt Holsten, a Pitt junior majoring in anthropology, confirmed that he was forced to jog for an entire hour without mind-numbing music in his ears. He said he was already outside when he found out that his only earphones were completely broken. Though he never spends more than twenty minutes without external stimulation because that gets him bored or thinking, Holsten said he decided to continue jogging and brave it out.

State Court Nullifies Ban on Non-different-sex Reverse-divorce in PA

Judge John Jones III

Furthering the cause for gay rights, Pennsylvania state courts ruled Tuesday not to not allow gay marriage, or as one judge put it, “We’ve not un-decided to not illegalize not-straight reverse-divorce.” Pennsylvania's ban on non-different-sex reverse-divorce was disallowed as unconstitutional on Tuesday.

"Not any non-singles deserve inequity in civil reverse-divorce," federal judge John Jones III didn't not say in a non-spoken statement.

Special Editorial by New GRE Chairman, Frank Chiprah: "You're stupid and I'm not"

Hi, "future" grad student. Frank Chiprah here to remind you that you're stupid and I'm not. That's right. I'm a big boy and I can say words. So many words. I learned words that you don't know. You are a big dumb baby and I know what "antediluvian" means. What? You went through four years of college? Aww, you mastered highly specified skill and knowledge sets so you could become a leader in your future craft? Oh no, you networked with top notch stalwarts of academia in order to establish yourself as a bright, resourceful professional prepared to take on the challenges of the world ahead? Well screw you, because I invented a test and I know what "antediluvian" means.

Al Gore Warns Global Warming Is Thawing Out the Ice Prison of His Evil Demon Twin, "MIGHTY GORETHAKKAH"

Fracking Company Uses Science to Pacify Worried Citizens

The drilling giant Ekson Gas is using science and sound evidence to pacify the people of Kempton, a small rural town in southwestern Pennsylvania near which it has been fracking, as well as those across the country who side with them.

There have been rumors and complaints, said the company’s spokesperson Linda Gloychich, that lubricating and other oil-based fluids used in hydraulic fracturing were leaking into the groundwater and that Ekson was secretly dumping toxic wastewater into the town’s streams and rivers.

Queer Restroom Vandalism Raises Fear of Bomb Threats

Parties unknown have vandalized the ground floor restrooms of the Cathedral of Learning. The message “tear down these stalls, tear down these walls—sex segregated restrooms perpetuate heteronormative oppression!” has been written in bold black strokes of permanent marker on the inside of a stall door in the grounds floor men’s room. Meanwhile, the mirrors of the women’s restroom have been covered with the slogan “University, Unity, Urinals!” scrawled repeatedly in various shades of lipstick.

The Greatest Dilemma: 420 vs. Easter

April 20th is usually a day of celebration: mothers, fathers, and children of all colors unite in a dank haze of love and equality. But this year, the celebration is dampened by the interference of one of the only two holidays that the majority of Catholics actually observe. Yesterday, historians made the shocking discovery that 420 and Easter fall on the same day.

 “It is a phenomena that takes place every 990.5 years,” says Dr. Wendell Grassé of the Smithsonian Calendar History Museum, “I could have sworn that we had at least another 30 years before this would happen. I was planning a nice weekend trip to Pottstown, until I looked at my Garfield calendar and realized what day 420 was. It really snuck up on everyone.”

 Tragically, many University of Pittsburgh students were caught off guard as well.

 “My mom bought me a ticket to come home for Easter, but I am not giving up this opportunity to get high on 420,” says junior Amy Pasker, “I gave up weed for lent and I already awkwardly texted that dealer that I slept with that one time. I didn’t just go through all that trouble for nothing. ”

 Father Travis Cherkowicz of St. Paul’s Catholic church believes that getting high, especially on Easter, is purely disrespectful to the Lord. “Jesus should be the only person that is getting risen this Easter Sunday. If you devil’s children want to feel like you are being ascended into heaven, you are going to have to get crucified and do it the hard way!”

 According to Ben Wahlberg of ‘Pittiful News’ “The Jew View,” “The Pitt Jewish community shares similar hang-ups regarding the celebration of 4/20 this year, as it falls smack in the middle of Passover.” From sunset April 14th until sundown April 22nd, Jews will refrain from eating leavened bread, or products related to leavened bread, called chametz (pronounced chhhhchchgh).

 Rabbis are in great conflict over whether the leavening one feels after consuming marijuana breaks the sacred commandments of the holiday. “If our ancestors fleeing Pharaoh did not have time to bake their bread, how do you think you have time to bake your head!” answers witty Conservative Rabbi Shmuel Goldbergmanstein.

 In stark contrast, Reform Rabbi Beth “Radbi” Rosen has stood firm on her view: “The law says don’t eat leavened bread. Weed sure wasn’t leavened bread last time I checked! Moses’s journey started with burning bush; sounds like appropriate remembrance to me.”

 Though both Catholics and Jews have not come to a consensus, one thing is for certain; there will be a whole lot of guilt this April 20th.

“It’s a Small World” Celebrates 50 Years: A Look Back at Other Classic Disney Rides

“The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio” Epcot

“Hi, I’m Walt Disney. Did you know that Westerville is a suburb outside of Columbus, which is a town in Ohio?” These magical words have inspired so much whimsy and awe in our little ones that it would be a crime not to include The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio in our must-ride list. The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio gave guests the unique opportunity to see what it’s like to walk on a sidewalk, look at a post office, and see a fire hydrant!

‘Pittiful News’ Final Exam Study Tips

Finals are coming up and “The Pittiful News” did not want to leave you hanging before getting down to business and studying your little bum off. Here are some of our time-tested, old standby exam tips.

Mystery Solved: Baby Pigeons Don’t Exist

Ornithologist Walter Klyuk discovered that baby pigeons don't exist.

We have all seen the cute kittens and puppies, the pinkish newborn mice, the tiger cubs and bear cubs. We can picture ducklings waddling in line after mother duck, baby chicks the color of the springtime sun, featherless eagle hatchlings in their nest, shrieking for food with their beaks wide open. But what about such omnipresent animals as pigeons? Have you ever seen a baby pigeon, even on a photograph? Why not?

Walter Klyuk, an ornithologist at the National Aviary in Pittsburgh, said this question had been pecking at him from childhood until a year ago.

“In college, the ornithology professors told us that the reason we don’t see baby pigeons around,” said Klyuk, “is that the urban environment is so dangerous that hatchlings are reared somewhere safe and far away and stay there until they’re the size of an adult, and that there are no pictures of baby pigeons simply because the matter is too trivial and obvious for scientific inquiry. But I never bought any of that baloney.”

RJZL Sparks Mass Outrage

All over the country people flooded the streets. They shouted and shrieked, shook angry fists at government buildings and police officers, spat on monuments and PLZK’s. They clambered up the Capitol building and felled trees in Central Park.

“People seem to be pissed off by all this RJZL business,” said construction worker Ludwig Mushroom, PhD, JLY. “This government act is certainly the most radical since the MaKLI legislation of the 90’s, but nobody expected such an extreme reaction.”

Graduating Pitt Student Depressed over Having Found a Job that Fits his Major

Hundreds of University of Pittsburgh students will officially become graduates after the last week of April. Dressed-up and lively, brimming with knowledge and ambition, these young men and women will walk out into the long-awaited “real world” to enter the workforce as clerks and assistants, as “valued staff members” with titles as vague as they are euphemistic, performing tasks fit for an eighth-grader and which have little to do with their majors or the classes they have taken. They have been preparing for this during their entire college careers; Brian Samster’s fate, however, proved more tragic.

Pitt to Improve its Ranking through Annual Modernization

University of Pittsburgh’s Board of Trustees, in consultation with a panel of professors, approved a reform package aimed at improving the quality of undergraduate education offered at Pitt and raising its national and international ranking. The report released by the Board summarizes the new laws, which will take effect immediately.

Thus, the common practice of professors requiring the latest and most expensive editions of textbooks is now a requirement for all classes. Brian Shelf, a Pitt professor of something and a member of the panel, said that “the decision was based on numerous studies showing that reshuffling chapters and exercises improves student learning and performance.”

But this was only the tip of the iceberg.

That One Paper Will Be Easy

You should not worry about the term paper in that one class you’ve been skipping because lectures are so easy and commonsense, states a report published by all of University of Pittsburgh’s departments, guaranteeing that it will be just as quick and easy as you expect.