President Obama Forced to Explain the Debt Ceiling to Vice President Biden with Sock Puppets

In a last-ditch maneuver to help Vice President Biden understand the causes and implications of the national debt, President Obama resorted to putting on a one act sock puppet play entitled “Mr. Fuzzy Owes Fed. Chairman McDoodly” so that that the VP may finally understand the nation’s dire financial situation.

Looking for an Alternative to ObamaCare? Try BidenCare!

While the Affordable Care Act website undergoes maintenance due to a few glitches, Vice President Biden would like to remind voters that he himself established a federally-funded healthcare option in 1996 called Uncle Joe’s Cheap-Ass Doctor 9000.

Biden’s healthcare plan covers the following:

Google Translate Special Report: Federal Government Ropening

Pressed by deadlines, The Pittiful News hired Google Translate to write some of our more time-sensitive articles about the reopening of the federal government. Please, be patient with Google Translate. This is the best it could do.

            Good Sabbath, the Congresses have settled. Between Obama’s President and Paul’s Ryan both decide is not a-go the government. More news to say from the Parliamentary man, “It’s much of a problem but the a answer did appear.”

New Invention Revolutionizes Communication

“The age of pettiness has finally arrived!” began the Dutch scientist Bettina Sorger’s presentation at the PopTech conference held last week in Camden, Maine.

In 2012, Sorger’s team at Maastricht University developed a mind-reading system that allows people to type without moving or speaking, thereby making communication with completely paralyzed people possible. The team’s newest gizmo, however, is undeniably far more beneficial to humanity.

Developing the Proper Reading of a Children's Classic

The National Endowment for the Humanities (NEH) recently awarded Ted Vrenkel, a University of Pittsburgh graduate student in the Department of English, a $50,000 grant in the field of American literature. The modest sum will fund Vrenkel’s current research project titled “Gleksonian dynamics of intrapersonal diffraction in ‘The Cat in the Hat,’” an innovative analysis of the classic but commonly misunderstood children’s book by Dr. Seuss.

“This seminal work of American pre-postmodernism has traditionally been analyzed using the Flennon-Psanti trans-metaromantic approach with traces of technocratic multi-variability,” Vrenkel explained, “but that approach disregards the third quasi-differential modality of Dr. Seuss’s anthropomorphic cat. My comprehensive analysis factors in all of that plus the cylindrical post-Einsteinian integrability of the cat’s hat, thereby promising the most thorough understanding of the book.”

Woman sent to hospital, family blames Miley Cyrus

Linda Simmons, a 46-year-old mother of two, was sent to the hospital earlier this week after she hurt herself rolling her eyes too hard at Miley Cyrus. After hearing Cyrus’ newly released album “Bangerz,” Simmons rolled her eyes with such disdain that they would not return to their natural state.

Her daughter, 15-year-old Susie Simmons is worried about her mother’s condition. “When I was little, she always told me that if I kept rolling my eyes like that, they would stay that way. Why didn’t she listen to her own advice? WHY?” said Susie.

Simmons, like many moms across the country, has been disgusted with the pop star’s recent provocative behavior from the VMAs to her Rolling Stone cover. While most teenagers seem to be indifferent, mothers cannot seem to help bringing up the issue everywhere from family dinners to book clubs. “She really seems to hate this Molly fellow, so I don’t know why she keeps bringing them up,” said her husband, Phil. “I’m more of Selena Gomez fan myself,” he added.

Susie suspects her mother’s injury might be due to the fact that she is still mourning the death of Hannah Montana. “I mean, I miss her too but everyone has to move on at some point,” she said.

Simmons remains stable, but has not been able to look away from the ceiling for almost two weeks. As of now, doctors have not found a cure for Linda’s condition, but they hope to create an antidote before it plagues others across the nation.

Enraged Americans Threaten to Look Up Their Congressional District Numbers, Congressmen's Names

Washington D.C. was truly shaken this morning when an anonymous tip sent to the Capitol indicated that a network of Americans known as "Voters" has threatened to learn their congressional district numbers as well as their congressmen's names. While the Pentagon has yet to evaluate the threat's credibility, the greater DC area is on high alert staffing all federal buildings with agents prepared to deal with such dangerous circumstance. "Be warned," declared President Obama, "These guards are full-ready to show you episodes of 'Boy Meets World' until you forget all this budget stuff happened. I mean, c'mon. Voting... more like BOR-ING! Topanga smooches Corey even though he's got that frizzy hair? Who could possibly turn that down!"

Speaker Boehner Says He Won’t Compromise Because His Wee-Wee Hurts

“Owie”, winced Speaker John Boehner as he took the podium at last night's press conference regarding stalled budget talks. The Speaker was visibly shaken, hunched over the teleprompter shifting his weight from one leg to the other occasionally jumping for three-or-four second intervals. The Ohio Representative paused for a moment to collect himself and let out a loud grunt before approaching the microphone.

Anarchists fail to plan party for government shutdown

For anarchists across America, the recent government shutdown over health care legislation is a dream come true. “For once, I don’t have The Man breathing down my neck. I never asked to be protected from asteroids! ” said a local graffiti artist who declined to be named.

Pittsburgh voted city with the most “meh” weather

Earlier this month, Pittsburgh was voted “City with the most ‘meh’ weather” by US Airways’ in-flight magazine. Pittsburgh ranked number one on the list, just surpassing Toledo, Ohio.

Editor-in-chief Boris Clump says the criteria included how aggressively people discussed the weather. He explained that since there is neither a huge amount of complaining or praising of the weather, Pittsburgh seemed “okay enough” for number one. 

Ethnicity spreading among students

The Pittsburgh University Student Health Center has released a warning to its student body about the dangerous increase in ethnicity on campus. According to the most recent reports, it’s possible that up to 22 percent of the population could be living with some form of ethnicness.

According to the report, symptoms of ethicness could be any of the following: a surreal ability to dance, a constant urge to study, or being the token ethnic friend in a group of overwhelmingly white people.

Man Still Pooping when Bathroom's Motion Sensor Lights Turn Off Comes to Terms with Being the Loneliest Man in the World

Alone and smelly, local man, Ronald Abraham, says he has finally accepted the universe’s role for him as “Most isolated organism in the cosmos” after the bathroom motion sensor lights went off on him mid-poop. “I’m just not sure where to go from here,” says Abraham as a small turd plops into the bowl creating an echo like whimpering pebbles in an abandoned quarry. “I’ve tried waving my arms around in the dark – in this pitch-black, Clorox-y chasm – only to realize it is indeed hopeless. So far, the only response I’ve received from man or machine is the automatic flusher spraying my behind two or three times as I adjust my posture. The flushes feel like spits of venom from the fabled basilisk inside his silent pit.”

Local Vegan Wearing Leather Boots

Petrucia Bower was spotted last Saturday walking around campus in a shiny new pair of Doc Martens. Bower, known for her activism as the campus representative for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, PETA, caused major uproar around campus.

Mustachioed Putin trying out new looks

In what may be the fashion development of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin has been recently spotted sporting mustaches worthy of the world’s cruelest and most powerful leaders.
Hair first started to appear on Putin’s upper lip following the passage of a bill banning “gay propaganda,” which prohibits the distribution of information about homosexuality. Russian fashion expert Katinka Ingabogovinanana believes that this was to avoid a major faux-pas.

Obama Breaks from Prepared Notes to Assure Brent James that the NSA is not Spying on Him

In a recent speech to the ACLU, President Obama took a moment to break from the teleprompter to specifically assure Allstate associate and, quote, "perfectly upstanding citizen, Brent James, of beautiful 3997 West Cedar Hills Drive, Cedar Hills, Utah - right down the street from ol' 40° 24'36"N 111° 45'27''W", that the government is not spying on him.

The Election As Covered by Our Analyst Who Just Took a Hit of LSD

As we wrap up another grueling campaign in the American presidential system, it is important to note the shakeup of the partisan landscape. Democrats are pushing for greater enthusiasm atop a strong showing in the national polls. Republicans are looking to re-strategize and re-emphasize in accordance to rise of new factions and my teeth are getting itchy. Very, very itchy. It’s like I just ate pet dander.

Michelle Obama takes down Twinkies in Covert Attack

    Four years in and one of the most polarizing elements of President Barack Obama’s first term is still his infamous “kill list” through which he decides which enemies of the state live and die. The global scope and international implications of this war on terror, while intense, have overshadowed a similar growing war at home - First Lady Michelle Obama’s war on obesity. Though she only recently adopted her husband’s “kill list” strategy, she has already bagged her first target.

Nicolas Cage to Play Nicolas Cage in Nicolas Cage Biopic: An Interview

     A film production we all saw coming, Nicolas Cage has signed a $30 million development deal with Universal Studios to produce what Cage says is “the best movie since the Bible”. Our reporters then informed Mr. Cage that the Bible was not a movie but was, in fact, a book. Mr. Cage’s responded by asking if casting was still underway for the role of God.