Local Handjob Goes Horribly Wrong

By Phil Forrence

Lisa Simmons was born with the natural ten fingers. 

“I heard the screams from here.” Lisa's neighbor Ted Grossman recalls, “I just hoped everyone was okay.” 

After Monday's events, she is left with only seven. “I had just settled down to watch a movie with my Tim when he suddenly became very horny.” She chokes through incessant tears, “We'd already finished having sex so I offered to give him a handy so we could enjoy San Andreas without the awkward sexual reluctance. He accepted.” Then it began.

Reporters say that during one particularly violent backward arm swing, Lisa smacked her elbow into her book shelf causing a bag of gummy worms to fall on top of the two lovers. 

Unfortunately, the bag had been opened, eaten from, and not properly stored months earlier so the gummy worms had been eaten by live earth worms who had set up camp in the bag.

Local Man Shocked To Find That Holding Freshly Slain Deer In Tinder Picture Doesn't Attract The Ladies

By Hannah Lynn

After months of trekking through the bleak, barren wasteland of Tinder, Chet Carson finally came to the cold, hard realization that holding a freshly slain deer in his Tinder picture doesn't attract the ladies.

"I don't know what the problem is," he lamented. "I mean I shot this deer with my own bare hands! Why aren't women into my desperate, if not over-the-top need to prove my masculinity and dominance?" He declined to comment on whether or not he had guns for hands.

Holding a freshly slain deer in Tinder pictures is a fairly common practice, especially in regions like Western Pennsylvania. Subjects will often crouch next to the corpse, not having yet reached rigor mortis, and hold up its head by the antlers. A similarly common fad is guys holding up a freshly caught fish.

"Honestly, if you're holding a freshly slain deer in your Tinder pic, you probably have a fridge full of monster energy drinks and a shrine to Kenny Chesney," said Chloe Davis, a Tinder user. "Now those aren't each individual deal breakers, but like they definitely do make me wanna take my emergency cyanide pill."

There are currently several researchers studying the issue in the relatively new field of Phone App Psychology. "When I was a young lad, I would go out hunting with a friend, have him take a polaroid of me next to the freshly slain deer, and then mail that polaroid to the girl I fancied. That's how I met my ex-wife! She was the cop that arrested me for violating my restraining order," said psychologist Jim Hudson. "Wait what was the question?"

No deer could be reached for comment as we are still looking for a deer-human translator.

Kampuss Kutie with Sean Harrington

Kampuss Kutie with Sean Harrington

November 14^th, 2015; ‏‎3:22:13 PM to ‏‎3:56:07 PM

Location: Second floor of the Bagel Factory/Coffee Tree Roasters on Forbes and Craig

Pittiful News’s BD Wahlberg: Welcome everybody at home, uh, to the Pittiful News Kampuss Kutie, ‘with the K’s and the Puss.’ Uh we have with us today Mistmonsieur Sean Harrington. Uh, he is coming out of the, uh, the uh, he’s been out of the lime light for a good number of years now, after what we would call a, we’d call it a scandal?

Sean Harrington: Yeah, um, yeah!

PN: It’s a scandal. Now he’s given us the exclusive privilege of doing this Kampuss Kutie interview here at the Pittiful News. So, um, before we get into the whole details of what happened, some years ago, you want to tell us a little more about why, about why you’re willing to let us here at the Pittiful News, you know, talk to you, talk to you- why are you giving your story to us?

SH: Well, Ben, I’ve been inspired by your work.

PN: Who wouldn’t be?

SH: I think your last work with the Kampuss Kutie was phenomenal.

PN: Kat Brewer, everybody! Will be, uh, well we, we don’t want to spoil it- Go on.

SH: And the quality of the journalism at The Pittiful News does? It’s just beyond any description. I cannot describe to you how good…the quality of The Pittiful News is- I really can’t. It’s- it’s something else.

PN: One would even say there are words on every page.

SH: There are words. Yes.

PN: So I think that’s really valid, um, not giving it to some other, alterior (sic) publication, we’re really honoured, uh. Now a lot of people really feel betrayed. They really feel like, they’ve, they’ve, that you lost their trust.

SH: Mhm.

PN: That you were you were a national treasure, and now a recluse, living in utter shame, hiding away, and we’re really honoured to have you with us. You know, like you may, you may be able to redeem yourself today. So, let’s jump right into it: You want to tell us what happened, you know, when? You know, who, who all was involved? I want, we want to hear ‘your side of the story.’

Dear Danezie

Dear Danezie,

My roommate keeps drinking all of my soy milk without asking me if it’s okay beforehand. We are really good friends and I don’t know how to bring it up without making things weird. What should I say to her?

Sincerely, Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable,

I am so glad that someone has finally brought this up. I agree with you- we should all be meninists. Women have never been oppressed the way white, heterosexual, cisgender men have. Historically speaking, men have always been paid less for the same work as women. Some say that this is the male’s fault, because they choose to get easy degrees in the arts and humanities, while females are the much smarter scientists and engineers. Others acknowledge that women need to be paid more because they are the breadwinners, while the man’s place is truly in the home, bearing and taking care of the children on their paid paternity leave.

New Therapy Bees “Less Effective” Than Therapy Dogs, Some Say

By Jake Muldowney

Most Pitt students have, at one point or another, gone to the therapy dog sessions at the Cathedral of Learning. Frolicking puppies are often just what students need to make it through a stressful week of class, or recover from a long weekend of binge drinking and devil worship. Therapy dogs, however, are often challenging to train and in very high demand. Pitt administration, wanting only the best for its students, have thus implemented a new initiative: therapy bees.

“It turns out that there is literally nothing preventing someone from calling any old swarm of bees a valuable therapy tool” said Beatrice Apia, who is currently spearheading the program. “So, on every Thursday, we are now proud to say we will be releasing between 1 and 3 thousand of these adorable little buzzers into the lobby, stairways and bathroom stalls of the Cathedral of Learning! Developing a close relationship with bees is one of the most important things in life, as one day, we will likely live together as equals.”

While Ms. Apia is buzzing with excitement, some students are unhappy with this new development. When pressed for comment, Freshman Leon Carpenter told the Pittiful News “OH MY GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE, THE BEES ARE IN MY HAIR, PLEASE STOP THIS.” Other students are more receptive to their bee brethren. Senior Mark O’Donnell told us “I was very nervous before the Bee Release today, but once Ms. Apia introduced me to Zzyzyzax, God-Queen of the Great Bee Swarm, I really picked up on the vibe of what was going on here.” O’Donnell’s mouth then opened widely, gushing forth a tide of black and yellow insects.

Spoon Assassins Log

By Jake Muldowney

Day 1: Mike the RA told me about this Spoon Assassins game he’s planning. Sounds like a fun time, and the meeting is tonight. I’m not busy, maybe I should check this out. If I’m lucky, Emma might even be there.

Day 2: The game is going to be underway, actually a lot of people on the floor are participating. My roommate Jim, like 6 people in my stats class I didn’t even know lived on the floor, and, of course, Emma. Hopefully she doesn’t get too into this and stops wanting to hang out. Rules are pretty simple, if someone catches you holding a spoon and then “stabs” you, you’re out. Wish me luck!

Day 3: Wow, like 4 people got out last night. I haven’t really been paying attention that much, any of them could’ve been me. Better keep an eye out, I’d look pretty dumb if I went out this early. Also, Emma said yes to lunch this Friday, I’m so excited!

Day 5: Had to sleep somewhere else last night, couldn’t update the journal. I think Jim is planning something, I saw him with a spoon earlier and now it’s gone. What if it’s in my backpack or something?

Day 6: Jim is one of Them now, I’m sure of it. He’s got spoons where spoons shouldn’t be. He thinks I don’t see them but I see them. I see all of them. The world spirals out around me, and it’s spoons all the way down. Nobody can be trusted. Nobody.

College Freshman Regrets Telling Mom Anything About Her Life, Ever

By I.S. Mills

Andrea Saunders, 18, a freshman at the University of Pittsburgh, regrets telling her own mother anything about her life.

“I mean, I think I’m just going to tell her like, really superficial things from now on,” said the teen in an exclusive interview.

Saunders says her trouble started when she got a urinary tract infection while at school- something she is prone to. Saunders told her mom to expect a charge to her insurance during one of their weekly phone conversations, as she planned to visit an emergency care clinic later that day.

“As soon as I brought it up she just freaking went to town. ‘Are you wiping back to front? You know you have to wipe front to back.’ Like, yes mom, I know how to fucking wipe my ass. Don’t you think there would have been a major problem at this point in my life if I had been wiping my ass wrong for eighteen years?”

Review: B.D Wahlberg’s Review of Roger Ebert’s Review of “Spice World”

By Cassandra DellaCorte

Last month, some movie review reviewer 
named B.D Wahlberg gave Roger Ebert’s review of the Spice Girls movie, Spice World, one half of a star. Guess what else deserves a low rating? Wahlberg’s review. They obviously think they’re being clever by name-dropping another epic band feature, but the true irony comes from Wahlberg’s critique of Ebert’s critique. While Wahlberg is entirely correct that Spice Girls music is “...absolutely necessary,” they use 263 words to nitpick Ebert’s review, when they could have accomplished this in seven: Ebert missed the point of Spice World.

But this review isn’t about how ridiculously wonderful Spice World is, it’s about how Wahlberg’s review of Roger Ebert’s review doesn’t deserve even two out of four stars. They are a person who just pulls out a template for reviews of movies they don’t want to like and plugs in key words from the review. All we can do is be as petulant as Wahlberg is and quote their quote in their cop-out of a conclusion: “Words fail me as I try to describe my thoughts…” 

Obama Pardons Coddled Thanksgiving Turkey

By Phil Forrence 

The tradition of U.S Presidents pardoning the First Turkey every Thanksgiving is an amusing institution with uncertain, if not mythical roots. Many believe it began in 1924 when Calvin Coolidge, tired of eating his wife's famous Turkey Butt dish, officially allowed the game to go free. Since that year, the president always allows one lucky bird to abstain from the annual genocide of its kind.

However, never has there been a more undeserving fowl to receive this treatment than 2015's Darius J Turkey III. Darius is a trust fund poult who was raised free-range in the South of France on a farm owned by the lovechild of Marilyn Monroe and Denny's CEO John C. Miller. Since his hatching, he has been waited on wing and talon.

Purgatory: Worse Than Hell?

By Steven Jaindl
 

(Editor’s Note: The Pittiful News sent an investigative journalist to purgatory to detail his experiences. The following article is excerpted from a prolix poem he wrote, delivered to The Pittiful News offices by Virgil)

I find myself walking toward an edifice;

What this building is or what it does contain

I do not know as it was steeped in a mist.

I use not heroic couplets or quatrains,

For this is purgatory and I must use

Terza rima, with compositional pains.

As I walk a man trails me like a caboose;

Nearly together we approach a glass door,

Which I open easily for it was loose.

Turning my head I wish I could ignore

That my compatriot is quite far behind,

Although not so far as to not hold the door.

Thinking to myself, “To him I shall be kind!”

I hold the door for him as he keeps walking;

He comes no closer, and I am in a bind.

I ponder, “Shall I persist in my holding

Of this door for this man until I am numb?

Or should I continue my walk, committing sin?”

This dilemma persists ad infinitum

As I hold this door ‘til I am beyond sick

In this timeless, frictionless continuum.

My advice: to stragglers be a complete dick,

And do not hold any doors in their midst;

And if you plan to die, don’t be Catholic. 

An Erotic Holiday Tale

By: C. Knif

I climbed onto Santa’s lap and told him exactly what I wanted. It was ten days before Christmas, and I know it’s just a guy in a costume, but I needed my fix. I whispered into the jolly man’s ear while I caressed his inner thigh, “All I want for Christmas is your candy cane in my stocking.” The drunken Macy’s Santa just looked into my eyes and loudly said, “I’ll be sure that pony is under your tree.” And then he fell into my breasts and I felt his fake beard get stuck on my bra.  I then brushed his hair with my hand lightly as the elfish helpers suggested I head home while Santa took a break. Little did they know that this quick interaction with faux Saint Nick would satiate my sexual needs until the big day. I of course masturbated with a miniature nativity set for six hours every day until Christmas Eve. 

I woke up on the 24th of December and boy was I ready. In just 18 hours, my big jolly Daddy would be inside me, shooting off his milk and cookies inside me. Just the thought of it makes me as wet as the Christmas ham. I spend all day getting ready by hanging ornaments from my labia and draping garland ‘round my bosoms. Midnight strikes, and the rest of my family is asleep and in bed, but I begin tiptoeing down to the Christmas tree where I unwrap all my presents for Santa and lay waiting. Around two in the morning, I hear a sensual “Ho, ho where is my favorite mistle hoooooo” coming down the chimney. 

He brought me up the chimney with him and set me into his sleigh. “It’s too dark, Jolly Saint Nick, I can’t see my favorite Christmas tree good enough to give it a good suckling,” I said as Mr. Claus just looked my naked body up and down, licked his lips, and said,” Rudolph! Can you help a brotha’ out?” Rudolph walked over and lit up his bright red nose so that Santa would have plenty of view of all my fixings. Rudolph sat down and started jerking his Reindeer dick off with his hooves. Santa laid me down gently on the seat of his sleigh and undid the button on his red velvet pants, and he wasn’t wearing any underwear. We began making love the whole way to the North Pole.

Pop Singer Announces Everything Will be All Right

By Ilya Yashin

Jackie Jackety-Rockman rocking it like a rock

Pop singer-songwriter Jackie Jackety-Rockman announced at a press conference last Friday that everything will be all right if you follow your heart. “Open up your heart and let it sing,” he said to a group of straight-faced middle-aged reporters, adding that he saw her walking down the street and she looked good.

Fun Halloween Costumes on a Budget

By John Garry

1. King Kong- climb to the top of the Cathedral of Learning.  You'll be so far up it doesn't even matter what you wear.  Just start yelling and swinging around and shit.  Be sure to throw some R/C planes off the top for good measure, so people know you're not just a crazy person.

2. The Raccoon - Wear nothing except a black bandana around your head with eye holes cut it.  Then, being true to your raccoon nature, steal all the alcohol at the party and scamper away into the night.

3. Baseball Player - Steal a Frat Boy's backwards hat and your little brother's T-ball bat and go around hitting everyone's drinks out of their hands.  Make sure you yell "And the crowd goes WILD" every time you do it, for the effect.

4. Policeman - This one costs a little up front, but it is important to go all out and get the look just right.  You will more than make up the difference in the amount of confiscated alcohol you collect throughout the night.

5. Chancellor Gallagher - For this costume you just need to have extremely dry skin.  A simple can of green lead-based paint finishes this look off perfectly.  *Guaranteed to be a crowd favorite.

Dear Danezie

By Dana Good

Dear Danezie,

I’m in General Chemistry and I’m having trouble understanding precipitation reactions. What are your favorite study tips?

Sincerely, Lost.

---

Dear Lost,

I’m in General Chemistry too and I have a little story that I think will help you out. Yesterday, I found myself wandering through the aisles of Rite Aid, partly because I gave up on bullshitting my way through this week’s Chem homework and wanted a snack, but mostly because I’m a lazy asshole that has nothing better to do in her free time and won’t amount to anything, ever. Walking by the greeting cards, I remembered that my

New Spring 2016 Classes to Focus on You

By Ilya Yashin

You work hard. You shell out an exorbitant tuition. You are entitled to feel good about every aspect of yourself. And for that, you need a customized education that focuses on you. This is why, starting in spring 2016, the Youniversity of Pittsburgh will offer the following courses that will marshal carefully picked evidence to nourish your self-esteem:

That Guy You Vaguely Remember Will Keep Nodding to You

 By Ilya Yashin

Remember that guy you had a class with some time ago, and made small talk with? “I remember you just as vaguely,” he said, “and I, too, will keep nodding silently to you when we see each other.”

Letter From the Editors

Dear Readers,

As you very well know, The Pittiful News has a long running series of (100% true) stories about Pitt's chancellor, Patrick Gallagator, a well known lizard-person. Important facts about the Gallagator include that he lives in a dungeon under the cathedral and leaves shed skin all over the place. Our dear friends over at The Black Sheep, a "humor" publication with branches on many college campuses including Pitt, recently "borrowed" this idea in an article about conspiracy theories. Now we understand why they would "borrow" this material, since it is so groundbreaking and captivating, but fair is fair and The Pittiful News will now have to "borrow" something from The Black Sheep. The only problem is, none of their articles would fit our high standards and thus we feel it is unfair to subject our readers to such inane drivel. But when The Black Sheep publishes something good enough for us to "borrow" we'll be sure to let you know! Actually, we won't, it'll just be slipped into the paper with no credit whatsoever. This holiday season, we are thankful for you, our loyal readers, for your occasional and sparse support!

Sincerely,

Hannah Lynn and Holly Stavarski

Editors in Chief

Rapper Hospitalized after "Keepin' it @ a hunnit all day, erry day"

By Tom Harnett

On Oct. 27, Local Rapper, Lil Creamsicle, was hospitalized.  The media has been kept in the dark for the most part, but inside sources have leaked some information on the up and coming rapper.

Apparently, Creamsicle has been working on a song and, as is his process, has been, "Keepin' it @ a hunnit all day, erry day."  This is common practice for rappers now-a-days. They want to produce the best quality music and what better way is there to do that than to constantly stay @ a hunnit?  The problem is that it may not be a sustainable lifestyle.

Pitt Student Rides Tuition's Worth of Port Authority

By Phil Forrence

College isn't cheap. You've got to make every cent count. Most students budget their money by renting used textbooks, hoarding Ramen noodles, and binge drinking free rubbing alcohol from the University Health Center. Daniel Simmons chose a different route.

Simmons chose to ride an out-of-state tuition's worth of Port authority buses during the fall 2015 semester. “I did the math.” He explains, “Pitt tuition for an out-of-stater like me is  $14,479 per semester. One Port Authority bus ride costs $2.50. That means it's going to take a lot of rides to cover the tuition cost.” After ignoring our question about if he knew what math was, Daniel then discussed his progress. “So far I have taken 1,340 cold, lonely bus trips. I spent nights, weekends, and the funeral for my nephew on these buses. I've seen fellow students start relationships, end relationships, and binge drink free rubbing alcohol from the University Health Center.”

Simmons says that he is not doing this for any organization. He doesn't oppose high tuition rates. He doesn't yearn for the spotlight. He frankly enjoys all the perks of Pitt as a University. “Even though Pitt has a high tuition. I love a lot of things about it,” he raves. “I like to think that riding the bus as much as I do shows that.” As he voraciously downs a bottle of isopropyl rubbing alcohol available free from the University Health Center.

Netflix and Chill Proposition Confused with Satanic Ritual

By Critter Fink and Dana Goatblood

 

Police are currently investigating the sacrifice of college junior, Dave Misogynisto, after discovering his body smeared in a mixture of human blood, goat blood, and sixty-nine stab wounds to his torso and legs. His “average sized” penis was not severed. Dave invited fellow junior, Stephanie Kameltoh over via the messaging app Kik, after communicating with her on the dating app Tinder. He asked her via Tinder, “ayyyy u got a kik,” she responded, “Yes, user: Lucifer6969.” On Kik, he invited her to his apartment for what he described as ‘Netflix and chill? ;)’

Kameltoh released a statement from Allegheny County Jail.

Review: Roger Ebert’s Review of “Spice World”

by BD Wahlberg

Score:

On January 23, 1998 some movie reviewer named Roger Ebert gave the Spice Girls movie, Spice World, one half of a star. One half of a star. Guess what else deserves one half of a star? Roger Ebert’s review. And that half a star is only for the quality of his star system and how mildly aesthetic it is.