Dead Roommate Refuses to Pay Rent

By Holly Stavarski

    Two years ago, when best friends Jillian Holmes, Jacklyn Moore, and Tara Washington moved in together, they never thought anything would get in the way of their unwavering bond. That was until Jacklyn Moore suddenly died.

“I was devastated. She was my best friend,” said Jillian Holmes, who had known Jacklyn since pre-school, “I thought that I was never going to see her again, but now I can’t wait for this bitch to leave.”

After her tragic death, instead of taking advantage of eternal rest, Jacklyn has remained a resident in the apartment she and her friends shared and has been “more active and inconsiderate than ever.”

“Jacklyn used to be a really chill girl,” said Tara, Jacklyn’s friend since freshman year, “But now, she is up at all hours of the night slamming doors, pushing our décor off the tables, moaning – it never stops.”

According to Jillian, Jacklyn’s actions escalated drastically when they attempted to sublet her room.

Top 5 Greatest Halloween Movies

It’s that time of year folks! Yes, that time when you curl up with steaming cup of pumpkin-spiced absinthe and watch your favorite hair-raising flicks! Here are five favorite Halloween classics hand-picked by exorcists. I mean experts.

1. The Pumpkin's Revenge - Everyone loves this classic tale of rotting ghost pumpkins from years past that come back to haunt their owners for carving into their face with a knife and then leaving them on the porch for the raccoons to feast on.
2. I Know What You Did To Marc Summers - When four high schoolers accidentally kill Marc Summers, host of Food Network's "Unwrapped" he comes back to torment them and also forces them to learn how twinkies are made. (Food Network puppet, host of "Unwrapped)
3. The Sting - What's that noise? It's a song. It's been following you around for days. It's sending an SOS? You're sending out an SOS! It's THE STING.
4. Nutmeg's Child - A sprite young gal named believes that her unborn child might be of a different...variety. The truth is only revealed when she gives birth to Oregano!
5. Elf - An adult man thinks he's actually an Elf and it's really weird.

An Open Letter to the Person Wearing a Human-Sized Electrical Outlet Costume Last Year

by John Scarry

Dear Person Wearing a Human-Sized Electrical Outlet Costume Last Year,

      

Look... I'm sorry.  It was wrong of me to demand that you charge my phone with your genital area.

       I shouldn't have lost my temper.

       I shouldn't have thrown your phone on the ground and curb-stomped it, yelling "If my phone is going to be dead then, goddamnit, so is yours!"

Scientists Discover Statue of Huge Middle Finger on Mars

By Claudia Glogowska

The discovery of liquid water on the surface of Mars has caused quite a stir among the scientific community as there is now more evidence than ever that humans may not be the only speck of life in the universe. On top of this, the Curiosity Rover recently sent back perplexing photos from the red planet that very well may present the biggest breakthrough for NASA to date.

The images, which depict what appears to be a gigantic and suspiciously detailed statue of a middle finger, arrived in the station at 6:37 pm on October 22. The group of scientists focusing on the Mars project are currently still attempting to solve the mystery of its origin and meaning. 

“It’s still too early to tell, but we have strong reason to believe that this was set up by some sort of advanced alien civilization that is perhaps still angry about E.T,” says John Grunsfeld, astronaut and associate administrator of NASA’s Science Mission Directorate in Washington. “If you look at the careful way in which the surface of the hand and finger were crafted, there is absolutely no way this statue could have just appeared out of nowhere. And it sure isn’t just a play on our perspective as our cameras and equipment are the most advanced they’ve ever been. Just examine the photo.” 

Although the message seems to be clear, NASA refuses to make a concrete statement as to what this discovery entails. In fact, NASA plans on sending additional and more advanced drones to Mars within the next couple of months. “We just can’t be sure. We better really get in there and start digging around for more data,” commented one of the members of the team. 

Despite the excitement of the discovery, there is no doubt that the aura of mystery around the seemingly familiar planet keeps on growing along with the paranormal discoveries which continue to be made there.

7 Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life this Halloween

By I.S. Chills

Is your bedroom lacking a little oomph? These seasonal ideas will be sure to make things a little more exciting for you and your man.

1) Fake Blood

Sure, you’ve heard of chocolate sauce, but blood? Trust us, whip out some fake blood and your man may just go full-out vampire!

2) Fog Machine

Forget candles! Rent out one of these bad boys for a sensual night of spooky ambience.

3) Seasonal Beverage

Tired of Astroglide? We found Starbucks’ infamous Pumpkin Spice Latte to double as a delicious and effective personal lubricant.

4) Convincing Mask

Have a thing for Ronald Reagan? So do we, after we tried out some of our local Halloween stores’ masks in the bedroom. Our favorites were the Gov. Chris Christie Deluxe Mask ($19.99) and the Leatherface Deluxe Mask ($54.99).

5) Cornucopia

Okay, this one is technically a Thanksgiving item, but who cares? Use one as a hat, codpiece, or ear trumpet, pair with spooky lingerie, and, voila! Date night is exciting again.

6) Animatronics

If you have a larger budget, and a hunger for voyeurism, an animatronic decoration is perfect to give you and your partner that spine-tingling “we’re being watched” feeling. Try Spirit Halloween’s 6’ Twitching Banshee ($199.99) or the classic 6.5’ Animated Bog Reaper ($269.99).

7) Gourds

You know exactly what to do with these.

Ronald’s Mission

By Danial Smith

“Who the fuck are you?”

I jolted up and looked around the room . Two people stood in front of me, waiting for an answer. It was then that I noticed that they were not people. They were skeletons. And the room was on fire.

“Who the fuck are you?” one of the skeletons repeated. “Are you fucking stupid?”

He took a step toward me, and I flinched back. The sheets came off a bit, exposing some of my body. Or lack thereof. I noticed that I was also a skeleton and proceeded to scream.

The skeleton slapped me. “Look, guy, I don’t know who you are or why you’re in my house so you better start giving me some answers. Who are you?”

“I… I don’t know. Where am I? What’s going on?” Then it all hit me. My name is Ronald and I’m on a mission. A mission bestowed upon me by the cosmos to restore the order of the universe. I must unite a team of super-warriors and fight the King of Bad… Donald Trump.

“Is this guy a fucking idiot? Doesn’t even know his own name… Holy fuck. And now he’s just staring into space. Fuck me.”

“My name is Ronald. It is my mission to assemble a team of warriors to defeat the King of Bad. You two are going to help me. What are your names?”

The two skeletons stood there, shocked. “Guy, did you just say… defeat the KING OF BAD? Are you insane?”

“That’s my mission. And you two are supposed to help me. What are your names?”

“Uh… I’m Phil, and this is Bernadette.”

“Great. Let’s get moving. We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

to be continued…

Super Seniors Track Terrifying Party Animal

By B.D. Wahlberg

Previously! Chief Nemesis Crippling Debt dealt with deftly; Shapeshifting Super Senior Justice League Leader Major Changer finally a graduate; Super Speedy Whirlwind of (previously) bad decisions, Downward Spiral now leading; and B.D. Wahlberg inducted as The Power-Nap!

Recent pre-Halloween parties have been breaking up early in some rather bloody finishes. Mauled students claim that a real live panther, quote, “was suddenly all up in here and like tried to bite my face off and shit!” No one ever remembers having let a panther in the front door, quote, “You don’t have a stamp on your hand, you didn’t give me five bucks, get the fuck out, kid!” But everyone remembers its exit, quote, “You think I would scratch up my own carpet?! Shit, I’m trying to get my security deposit back at the end of all this. Fuckin’ panther, yo!”

The Super Senior Justice League has been swinging around the party scene in the ScholarShip (don’t worry, Future Shock is designated driver), staying on high alert while gettin’ down. We’re bumpin’ to “22” at that house with the cut-out of Nordy in the window on Oakland Ave – suddenly! Shrieks of panic, a howl and a broken pane of glass. Downward Spiral chases after the mountain cat as Miss’d Graduation provides emergency medical care. Before heading back to the Secret Super Senior (and Señiorita) Solitude Sanctum, we found a clue. The tattered remains of a Pitt Band hoodie, hanging on the broken window.

Downward Spiral was back to our base by the time we had the hoodie up as lost on Pittsburgh University’s Free & For Sale Facebook group. “Of course I lose it in Panther Hollow; damn forest cat’s a quick shit.” Miss’d Graduation reappeared from lab analysis, “These tatters aren’t from being torn off of a band kid. This hoodie burst off of a band kid! D.S. … I think we’ve got a WerePanther on our hands!” Downward looked solemnly as she picked at a hole in her jeans and faced the wall of monitors. “Power-Nap, get some rest, if you snooze, we might not lose!”

Will the Super Seniors subdue this partying pupil turned pernicious panther? Will the Power-Nap prove to be a promising participant? Will that guy ever get his security deposit back!? Find out! At www.PittifulNews.com!

PSA To Parents Who Give Out Raisins on Halloween

By Hannah Lynn

 

Dear Parents,

Thanks for all that you do. You've raised children and helped bring the miracle of life into this crazy world. I personally love my parents for sharing their wisdom and inspiring me every day! But some of us are not so lucky. To those parents who give out raisins instead of candy on Halloween: FUCK YOU!! How DARE you ambush young trick or treaters that way? I mean I know the word trick is in the title but for pete's sake! Kids are better off finding razors in their candy than this. It is truly a repulsive act and a huge smear of poop on the face of humanity. I would rather get one hundred [Charleston Chews] than a single box of raisins. You're even worse than the guy who gives out a toothbrush! I mean he's a condescending piece of shit wet blanket, but at least I'll get some use out of a toothbrush. I will NEVER get any use out of raisins. FUCK YOU!!

All my love,

Timmy

Special Feature: Year of the Humans

By John Garry

        As many of you know, there is exciting news from the Provost's Office: academic year 2015-2016 is the year of the Humanities! On August 27th, 2015, Provost Patricia E(-Z Money) Beeson broke the silence, asking all to contribute to the overarching theme of "Being Human."  This pronouncement by the Pitt front office of course represents a big 180º turn for the University.  No one needs a reminder of the disastrous "Year of the Automatons" in academic year '05-'06.  The statistics from that year alone were heartrending (for everyone except the automatons): 1,896 broken bones in the first-annual humans vs. robots charity football game; 53 failed body augmentations by engineering students trying to compete with the computing power of their new "classmates"; let's not even go into the computer glitch that organized an automaton attack on Panther hall, delaying its opening by two years.

        So before you go rush to sign up for all the humanities classes Pitt has to offer, wait.  The hard-working researchers at the Pittiful News have already scoured through classes to find you the best of the best.

A Halloween Tale

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UPMC Rick Rolls Patients

By Phillip Forrence

A disturbing new treatment has been making headlines recently out of the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center.

Instead of telling patients their diagnoses, Doctors and nurses have been playing Rick Astley's 1987 Top 40 hit “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

“I just wanted to know what the strange lump on my wrist was,” says Ashley Carter. “But every time I brought it up, Dr. Jones would enthusiastically hit play on his boom box and disrobe his torso as Rick Astley's 1987 Top 40 Hit 'Never Gonna Give You Up' penetrated the air.”

Long-time patients don't know what to make of the recent events. “Usually The doctor or nurse would come to my bed every morning, change my IV bag, greet me with a 'good morning', and prepare me for my daily colonoscopy,” says Arthur Grant. “Now they just walk up to the foot of my bed, expressionless, and put a finger to their lips and another on the play button of a boom box. Then Rick Astley's 1987 Top 40 hit “Never Gonna Give You Up” plays on repeat for nine hours until 6 P.M.”

The Pittiful News pressed UPMC for comment, but just got a referral to Dr. Jones' office. He was very polite, but when asked about this new development in medicine, all this reporter heard was the sound of at least eleven shirts simultaneously being ripped open and the faint ring of Rick Astley's 1987 Top 40-height-of-romantic-expression-hit “Never Gonna Give You Up.”