The Greatest Dilemma: 420 vs. Easter

April 20th is usually a day of celebration: mothers, fathers, and children of all colors unite in a dank haze of love and equality. But this year, the celebration is dampened by the interference of one of the only two holidays that the majority of Catholics actually observe. Yesterday, historians made the shocking discovery that 420 and Easter fall on the same day.

 “It is a phenomena that takes place every 990.5 years,” says Dr. Wendell Grassé of the Smithsonian Calendar History Museum, “I could have sworn that we had at least another 30 years before this would happen. I was planning a nice weekend trip to Pottstown, until I looked at my Garfield calendar and realized what day 420 was. It really snuck up on everyone.”

 Tragically, many University of Pittsburgh students were caught off guard as well.

 “My mom bought me a ticket to come home for Easter, but I am not giving up this opportunity to get high on 420,” says junior Amy Pasker, “I gave up weed for lent and I already awkwardly texted that dealer that I slept with that one time. I didn’t just go through all that trouble for nothing. ”

 Father Travis Cherkowicz of St. Paul’s Catholic church believes that getting high, especially on Easter, is purely disrespectful to the Lord. “Jesus should be the only person that is getting risen this Easter Sunday. If you devil’s children want to feel like you are being ascended into heaven, you are going to have to get crucified and do it the hard way!”

 According to Ben Wahlberg of ‘Pittiful News’ “The Jew View,” “The Pitt Jewish community shares similar hang-ups regarding the celebration of 4/20 this year, as it falls smack in the middle of Passover.” From sunset April 14th until sundown April 22nd, Jews will refrain from eating leavened bread, or products related to leavened bread, called chametz (pronounced chhhhchchgh).

 Rabbis are in great conflict over whether the leavening one feels after consuming marijuana breaks the sacred commandments of the holiday. “If our ancestors fleeing Pharaoh did not have time to bake their bread, how do you think you have time to bake your head!” answers witty Conservative Rabbi Shmuel Goldbergmanstein.

 In stark contrast, Reform Rabbi Beth “Radbi” Rosen has stood firm on her view: “The law says don’t eat leavened bread. Weed sure wasn’t leavened bread last time I checked! Moses’s journey started with burning bush; sounds like appropriate remembrance to me.”

 Though both Catholics and Jews have not come to a consensus, one thing is for certain; there will be a whole lot of guilt this April 20th.

“It’s a Small World” Celebrates 50 Years: A Look Back at Other Classic Disney Rides

“The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio” Epcot

“Hi, I’m Walt Disney. Did you know that Westerville is a suburb outside of Columbus, which is a town in Ohio?” These magical words have inspired so much whimsy and awe in our little ones that it would be a crime not to include The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio in our must-ride list. The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio gave guests the unique opportunity to see what it’s like to walk on a sidewalk, look at a post office, and see a fire hydrant!

‘Pittiful News’ Final Exam Study Tips

Finals are coming up and “The Pittiful News” did not want to leave you hanging before getting down to business and studying your little bum off. Here are some of our time-tested, old standby exam tips.

Mystery Solved: Baby Pigeons Don’t Exist

Ornithologist Walter Klyuk discovered that baby pigeons don't exist.

We have all seen the cute kittens and puppies, the pinkish newborn mice, the tiger cubs and bear cubs. We can picture ducklings waddling in line after mother duck, baby chicks the color of the springtime sun, featherless eagle hatchlings in their nest, shrieking for food with their beaks wide open. But what about such omnipresent animals as pigeons? Have you ever seen a baby pigeon, even on a photograph? Why not?

Walter Klyuk, an ornithologist at the National Aviary in Pittsburgh, said this question had been pecking at him from childhood until a year ago.

“In college, the ornithology professors told us that the reason we don’t see baby pigeons around,” said Klyuk, “is that the urban environment is so dangerous that hatchlings are reared somewhere safe and far away and stay there until they’re the size of an adult, and that there are no pictures of baby pigeons simply because the matter is too trivial and obvious for scientific inquiry. But I never bought any of that baloney.”

RJZL Sparks Mass Outrage

All over the country people flooded the streets. They shouted and shrieked, shook angry fists at government buildings and police officers, spat on monuments and PLZK’s. They clambered up the Capitol building and felled trees in Central Park.

“People seem to be pissed off by all this RJZL business,” said construction worker Ludwig Mushroom, PhD, JLY. “This government act is certainly the most radical since the MaKLI legislation of the 90’s, but nobody expected such an extreme reaction.”

Graduating Pitt Student Depressed over Having Found a Job that Fits his Major

Hundreds of University of Pittsburgh students will officially become graduates after the last week of April. Dressed-up and lively, brimming with knowledge and ambition, these young men and women will walk out into the long-awaited “real world” to enter the workforce as clerks and assistants, as “valued staff members” with titles as vague as they are euphemistic, performing tasks fit for an eighth-grader and which have little to do with their majors or the classes they have taken. They have been preparing for this during their entire college careers; Brian Samster’s fate, however, proved more tragic.

Pitt to Improve its Ranking through Annual Modernization

University of Pittsburgh’s Board of Trustees, in consultation with a panel of professors, approved a reform package aimed at improving the quality of undergraduate education offered at Pitt and raising its national and international ranking. The report released by the Board summarizes the new laws, which will take effect immediately.

Thus, the common practice of professors requiring the latest and most expensive editions of textbooks is now a requirement for all classes. Brian Shelf, a Pitt professor of something and a member of the panel, said that “the decision was based on numerous studies showing that reshuffling chapters and exercises improves student learning and performance.”

But this was only the tip of the iceberg.

That One Paper Will Be Easy

You should not worry about the term paper in that one class you’ve been skipping because lectures are so easy and commonsense, states a report published by all of University of Pittsburgh’s departments, guaranteeing that it will be just as quick and easy as you expect.

Unconfirmed: "Chancellor Gallagher" Resume Leaked!

We here at "The Pittiful News" value journalistic integrity. However, when University moles gave us the scoop that some new guy called a "Chancellor" - possibly pronounced "CHONK-ya-lar," more details to come - was being vetted despite a kinda weird resume, we jumped at the occasion to publish the materials we had so you, the tuition-payer could see his or her (or possibly lizard's or lizardess's, again, more details to come) resume. Proceed at your own risk.

Tautology Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 –April 19)

Your skin is pale from the lack of sun of you have not been out in the sun. When you go out into the sun, your skin will slowly darken or burn.

 Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

If you are a man or a woman, you are powerful and in charge. You are able to walk any way you choose, most likely in shoes.

Students Continue to Jaywalk in Hopes of Getting Hit By a Car

By Hannah Lynn
 
In the past few months, the Pitt Campus Police have been cracking down on jaywalking, specifically across Forbes near David Lawrence Hall. Students have been encouraged to use the Skywalk above Forbes as an alternative. “We’re just trying to keep students safe,” said Pitt Police Officer Jack Wells. “I know these kids want to get to class as quick as possible, but it’s not worth risking their lives.”

What Wells, along with the rest of the police force, fail to realize is that Pitt students actively do not give a shit. According to Sophomore Charlie Evans, he and other students will continue to jaywalk, regardless of the risk. “I just want to get to class in as little time as possible, but if get hit by a car, that’s just an added bonus,” he said. While Evans’ response might be shocking to some adults, it is a common sentiment among his fellow youths. Junior Elsa Larson has similar feelings about the illegal street crossing. “My main motivation for going to class is that there’s the possibility I might get hit by a car on the way there,” she said.

Pittsburgh University Releases New Dream Interpretations

Researchers at Pittsburgh University released a comprehensive list of dream interpretations to aid non-experts in their subconscious understanding.

The research team led by Professor Claire N. Porring MA, MBA, MA, PhD, PhD, have been working for three years and studying many participants in order to better understand what is going on when our eyelids are shut.

The research team has made three interpretations available for the public, but the rest you can only access if you are also a scholar and can afford those expensive scholarly journal articles, or if you have the desire to wait four months until it is released in the nearest Barnes and Noble to you.

The Pittiful News has secured the three interpretations and presents them to you below:

Artist on the Rise: Crying Baby in Audience Absolutely Thrilled to Play Carnegie Hall

Artists dream of an opportunity to perform at the illustrious Carnegie Hall, but after learning that his mom and dad planned to bring him along to a Boston Symphony event in the renowned auditorium, local baby, Ian Wilt, knew all of his vocal training was building to this one evening. When asked what kind of repertoire he had prepared, Ian noted “Now, I don’t want to provide too many spoilers, but I can say this: that when the stage is quietest in between movements of Schubert’s divine ‘Unfinished Symphony,’ I promise to fill the venue with blubbering that hits the audience so hard, some will be moved to weeping themselves.”

Pitt Names New Chancellor

By Hannah Lynn
 
On Feb. 8, the University of Pittsburgh announced its next chancellor would be Patrick D. Gallagher. This is following the announcement last year that after almost 20 years, current chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg would be stepping down after the 2013-14 school year.

Mr. Gallagher currently serves as deputy secretary of the U.S. Department of Commerce and is also the director of the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST). Mr. Gallagher a PhD in physics from Pitt, and it is his only connection to the university. Although he lacks any experience whatsoever in managing education of any kind, the chancellor search committee believes he is the best fit.

Students lovingly refer to the current chancellor as “Nordy,” but chancellor-elect Gallagher has stated that he does not wish to be called “Galley.” This is perfectly understandable; he probably doesn’t want to constantly be referred to as an old-timey ship. But this won’t be a problem as there is a much more fitting name to be bestowed upon Pitt’s newest leader.

Tears for the Dolphins

 By Hannah Lynn

Pitt recently instated a bag tax policy that only allows students 15 plastic bags per semester. Each bag after that costs 25 cents. This poem is dedicated to all the dolphins who suffer from too many plastic bag hats.

bags
so many bags
clinging to a dolphin's head
what to do
stop it. end it.
no more bags
carry your fucking chips in your hand
you don't need a bag
the dolphins have enough hats
you don't need a bag
fifteen. that's all you get.
fifteen. and you're all set
carry all you want
for twenty five cents
but beware
the dolphins are crying

Survey Reveals 1.8% of the Workforce Abandoned Jobs Last Year, Top 10 Reasons Why

10)          Boss calls me “Greg” when I’d rather be called “Great Samnazi of the Aqua Emblem” … .03%

9)            The Other Morticians Don’t Like It When I Paint the Bodies’ Toenails … .05%

8)            Coworkers Smile at Me after I Trip Acid and Their Toothy Grins Look Like Tongue Prisons … .1%

Sochi Referee Totally Blanks on Curling Rules

Freezing up just when he was needed most, Winter Olympics official, Charles Reese fell apart during the final moments of the Sochi men's curling qualifiers today. Evidently, Reese forgot to give out a yellow card or something when one of the um... the guy that slides off to the side at the end? That guy did something and the ref was like not doing something right or something? Anyway, this morning, Reese casts both his home country of the United States and, frankly, the whole world under a great and terrible shame.

Laziness Recognized as Mental Illness

Benjamin Zorich, recently hospitalized with a bout of laziness,
has been suffering from the disorder his entire life.

Laziness has achieved the status of a legitimate mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health committee that reviewed copious research studies announced this conclusion at a recent conference of the American Psychiatric Association.

“Laziness has always been perceived as a character flaw worthy of shame and punishment,” said Aaron Lipsnik, a historian of medicine and a member of the committee, adding that such attitude was a product of ignorance and equating it to the once-held belief that failure to pray causes typhoid fever. “With the aid of modern medicine we can finally help those afflicted by the illness to lead productive lives and achieve everything they want to.”

Vegetarians Fight for Right to Eat Meat

Numerous protests broke out on Pitt’s campus in the first week of the spring semester as a part of the Meat for Me movement. Indignant vegetarians, fed up with people telling them what they can or cannot do, are determined to reclaim their constitutional right.

“Just because I’m a vegetarian doesn’t mean that I can’t eat meat,” said Nancy Barometer, a Pitt junior and one of the organizers of the protests. “I’m sick of hearing people tell me I can’t do this or do that just because I belong to a minority group. This grave social injustice has to stop, and it has to stop now.”

Higgs Boson Missing

Higgs boson, the elusive elementary particle that took almost five decades to be found, was reported missing on the morning of January 1st. 

“It took me most of my life to find my little darling,” said Peter Higgs, the British theoretical physicist who initiated the search. “I’ve been losing sleep looking for her. I gave her my last name. We finally met one lovely evening at the Big Hadron Collider a year ago. I took her home and was happy.”

CBS Launches 'Relatable' New Sitcom

By Hannah Lynn

At a brainstorming meeting last week, CBS executive John Whiteface pitched an idea for a new television show, which he described as “full of potential.” The show, which Whiteface pitched with the working title “The Sitcom,” revolves around four twenty-something men, who are all roommates.

“It’s got some really great characters. You know, there’s the neurotic guy looking for love, the one with the big ego, the nerd, and the smooth guy who’s always coaching the others,” he explained

When asked what made this sitcom stand out, Whiteface cited its relatability. “They’re just four guys living their lives in the city. Everyone can get that,” he said. Dave Johnson, another executive at the meeting, asked Whiteface about what role diversity played in the show. “I just want to make sure we fill our quota,” he said. “Oh and being inclusive whatnot,” he quickly added. Whiteface assured him that one of the guys could definitely be black.

Local Boy Being Raised by Wolves Has Excellent Parent-Teacher Conference

Local fifth-grader and otherwise stand-up boy, Matthew Blake, breathed a sigh of relief today as his wolf-parents, Balto and Groin-Gnasher, found the teacher to be very polite to and complimentary about him. In an exclusive interview, Matt explained “Mom and Dad said my teacher, Mr. Rowanowsky, seemed tasty- er tastefully engaged with me and my studies. Mr. Rowanowsky didn’t even bring up the time I peed on all the other kids’ backpacks and then rubbed my armpit glands on the biggest kid in class to mark my new territory. Mom and Dad were worried that the humans wouldn’t like that but despite all the detentions he gave me, it seems like Mr. R is on my side!”

Desperate Student Resorts to Dissecting Himself during Anatomy Midterm

"The Pittiful News" Oscar Picks!

Best Picture

Spaghetti and Meatpucks
A down-on-his-luck pizzeria owner discovers he’s got a 100mph slap-shot… but only if he hits a sliced slab of frozen salami! Join Vincenzo the pizza guy in his quest to join the New York Islanders with the help of his trusty three foot leg of salami, Sasha the Salami, (voiced by James Earl Jones). An up-and-down zany dramedy with all the twist and turns of a fresh rotini noodle. Three cheers for Spaghetti and Meatpucks!

Movies to look out for in 2014

By Hannah Lynn

Noah: If there’s one thing this world does not need, it’s Darren Aronofsky telling the classic biblical tale of Noah and his ark. What’s next, Quentin Tarantino directs “Moses?”

Muppets Most Wanted: How about least wanted? There was maybe one person who requested a sequel to the Muppet movie.

The Amazing Spiderman 2: Didn’t this movie come out already?

Fifty Shades of Grey: I’m fifty shades of DONE with this book. I’m pretty sure the movie already exists; it’s called porn. Google it, idiots. If they make the whole trilogy I’m going to sue Stephenie Meyer for creating a monster.