"No Looking Back Now," Says Man with Stiff Neck

By Leo Corman

Local man Owen Miller woke up this morning with a stiff neck, but he remained determined not to let that ruin his day. “I just can’t look back, I have to keep moving forward,” explained Miller. “Like I really, really can’t look back.” Unfortunately, Miller’s day did not improve from there.

Seven Years After Its Release, Miley Cyrus's "The Climb" Still Inspires

By Elisa Ogot

Seven years ago, as part of the soundtrack for the seminal classic “Hannah Montana: The Movie,” Miley Cyrus released one of the most uplifting tracks of the century: “The Climb.” Today, Cyrus’s anthem of hope and perseverance is still helping people work through trying times in their lives. In celebration of the “The Climb’s” seven year anniversary, we reached out into the community and got some people to share their testimonials on how “The Climb” has changed their lives.

Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space

By Megan Klein

  

 Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space After Loving Speaker, Yilo Miannopoulos Preaches Equality.

Shouts of protest lauded the William Pitt Assembly room as Yilo Miannopolous, world renowned liberal “love-speaker”, preached messages of egalitarianism. Yilo is known for her work in Africa and the UN as an Equality-Ambassador. Pitt Police expected this event to be semi-chaotic, brought to campus by the student organization Freedom Unity Compassion Kindness Sympathy. This organization is known around campus for creating active and arousing campaigns to be better people.

Local Student Opens Bong Summer Camp

By Ossia Dwyer

One simple idea has skyrocketed local student Vance Mulroney from Oakland burnout to well known ‘ganjapreneur.’  Frustrated last summer with the scramble to find a place for the bong he bought with some money his grandparents gave him, Mulroney thought other people may be suffering a similar problem.  “I had all of this extra space in my house on Lawn Street and like no one ever comes here because of that creepy murder house,” says Vance. “And ever since I started smoking weed in college to look cool and fit in, I have felt a passion for bongs that is definitely not just because all of my friends also feel that way.”

Review of Sentience: Starts Off Strong, Quickly Declines

By Danial Smith



For the past 19 years, I’ve experience the phenomenon known as sentience. Odds are you’re familiar with it. But in case you’re not and are on the fence about trying it, I’m here to help clear up any doubts. Overall, sentience is painfully mediocre. It starts off strong, but quickly declines in quality. The first couple years were pretty unclear and confusing. Most of the time you’re not really sure what’s going on and you’re hungry and upset. After a few years, it hits its peak. The novelty of it all is still relatively fresh, and the crushing realities of this bleak world haven’t quite set in yet. Around the 12th year in, things start to get awkward and uncomfortable. People get meaner and everything gets harder. At this point, it’s all downhill from here. For years to come, you’ll find yourself questioning your very existence and (ironically?) joking about walking into traffic. Overall, the whole experience seems uninspired and quite average. I think my 2.5/5 star rating is being generous.

Gym Rats Implement "Elbow Day"

By Ariel Pastore

Last Thursday, also known as “Pecs and Lats Day,” two bros pumpin’ iron felt that these designated lift days leave out several important muscle groups. Brock and Clifton discussed it amongst themselves at an extremely loud whisper so everyone at the gym could hear.

Mark Zuckerberg is Coming to Your Wedding!

By Riley Weber

You have one new Facebook notification. Hey! Hey you, Facebook user! Do you know what Mark Zuckerberg is up to? Do you care? Perhaps even give a rat’s ass? If not, too bad! This is Facebook telling you His exact activities and whereabouts for the past 96 hours, enjoy! Man, this Mark Zuckerberg fellow is wonderful, isn’t He? You all love Him. You know what would be amazing? If He came to your wedding. Oh, wait. He is!

Student Sells Body Parts for New Minimalist Lifestyle

By Dana Good



Since the minute she stepped foot on campus, Samantha Brown was constantly told she needs to go to graduate school. After doing some research, Brown was slightly disheartened by the high cost, but found a new positive outlook on the situation, “I didn’t think it was going to be that expensive, but I’m not too worried about paying for it. I found out that in Mexico City they pay $55,000 just for a kidney. That got me thinking—I can sell all of these body parts I have no use for and pay for grad school. It’s very chic.”

Undiscovered Pittsburgh Summer Activities

By Ossia Dwyer

It’s finally getting warmer in this ice tray we call Pittsburgh and that means time to explore this coal mecca we call home.  Now that Downtown is not constantly masked in a cool black smog, there is plenty to do and it’s safe to go outside.  Here are some ideas if you are looking to explore off the beaten path.

If you want to spend more time on Pittsburgh’s rivers.....

Try Crusty Pete’s Island Adventure Tours.  Join Crusty Pete and his trusty boat-themed pick-up truck the SS Grundle for a look at some of Pittsburgh’s best spots on the river.  This tour meets in the parking lot near the sketchy back part of the casino.  Life jackets not recommended. Thursdays are Billy Joel theme nights.  Tours only meet Thursday nights.

If you want to spend more time longboarding...

Try the Glass, Sharp Rocks, and Dry Concrete Pile.  Located in the weird section of town between Downtown and the South Side, the GSRDCP has all the pain, residual scratches, and embarrassment of learning how to longboard at only double the cost.  A ticket gets you a full day of all the pile activities you could ever think of.  Only Diner Club cards are accepted as payment.  Not associated with the Loose Gravel Emporium.

If you love the views off of the Duquesne Incline…..

Try the Window Washing Platform of Terror.  For thrill seekers of all ages, this experience will be one you may forget but only because of the residual concussions.  Hop on these formally blasé pieces of metal and toe the line of death when the cables are suddenly cut totally on purpose.  No refunds if platform doesn’t actually fall.  Check out our ad in the back of Steel City Vixens: Pittsburgh’s only softcore and ore themed adult magazine.

This Letter is for the Police

By Elisa Ogot

Hi Police!

It’s me, Elisa. I guess if you’re here and you’re reading this, I have been murdered (RIP). In which case, ha! I was right! I know who did it. It hands down has gotta be Todd. Man, the craziest part about all of this is that I saw the signs, but haha he still got me!

First of all, his name is freaking Todd. Raise your hand if you’ve ever met a Todd that wasn’t almost certainly a murderer...am I right, officers? All jokes aside, Todd and I have worked together for seven months now and it seems as though his long, lanky frame is lurking every way I turn. Like literally every way. I would say that about once a day I round a corner at work and I find him standing stock still in front of me, whispering about the number of Olive Gardens that he would like to take me to (27 at last count). One time, I asked him to help me find something in the stockroom at work and he just looked up and held my gaze for a full fifteen seconds before answering, The answer he gave wasn’t even relevant! I said “Todd...where do we keep the USB sticks?” And after fifteen seconds of unblinking, mouth breathing hell he responded with “Do you think these are Formica or glazed ceramic tile countertops?”

I told my friends about all of these incidents to try and get their take on things and each one of them gave me responses like “Awww, he thinks you’re cute!” or “He just wants to date you!” Well, jokes on you guys because that was not the case! The reddest of flags should have been raised a couple of days ago, when he came up behind me and whispered directly into my ear that he’d been watching me for the “entire duration” of my shift. I remember thinking “Wow, duration! Great word! Stellar vocabulary!” But now I’m not thinking anything. Because of rigor mortis setting in, my brain ceasing to function, you know, standard corpse stuff...

Anyway cool! That’s really all that I wanted to tell you. Go arrest him now please!

Love you, miss you, bye,

Elisa