Pop Singer Announces Everything Will be All Right

By Ilya Yashin

Jackie Jackety-Rockman rocking it like a rock

Pop singer-songwriter Jackie Jackety-Rockman announced at a press conference last Friday that everything will be all right if you follow your heart. “Open up your heart and let it sing,” he said to a group of straight-faced middle-aged reporters, adding that he saw her walking down the street and she looked good.

Fun Halloween Costumes on a Budget

By John Garry

1. King Kong- climb to the top of the Cathedral of Learning.  You'll be so far up it doesn't even matter what you wear.  Just start yelling and swinging around and shit.  Be sure to throw some R/C planes off the top for good measure, so people know you're not just a crazy person.

2. The Raccoon - Wear nothing except a black bandana around your head with eye holes cut it.  Then, being true to your raccoon nature, steal all the alcohol at the party and scamper away into the night.

3. Baseball Player - Steal a Frat Boy's backwards hat and your little brother's T-ball bat and go around hitting everyone's drinks out of their hands.  Make sure you yell "And the crowd goes WILD" every time you do it, for the effect.

4. Policeman - This one costs a little up front, but it is important to go all out and get the look just right.  You will more than make up the difference in the amount of confiscated alcohol you collect throughout the night.

5. Chancellor Gallagher - For this costume you just need to have extremely dry skin.  A simple can of green lead-based paint finishes this look off perfectly.  *Guaranteed to be a crowd favorite.

Dear Danezie

By Dana Good

Dear Danezie,

I’m in General Chemistry and I’m having trouble understanding precipitation reactions. What are your favorite study tips?

Sincerely, Lost.

---

Dear Lost,

I’m in General Chemistry too and I have a little story that I think will help you out. Yesterday, I found myself wandering through the aisles of Rite Aid, partly because I gave up on bullshitting my way through this week’s Chem homework and wanted a snack, but mostly because I’m a lazy asshole that has nothing better to do in her free time and won’t amount to anything, ever. Walking by the greeting cards, I remembered that my

New Spring 2016 Classes to Focus on You

By Ilya Yashin

You work hard. You shell out an exorbitant tuition. You are entitled to feel good about every aspect of yourself. And for that, you need a customized education that focuses on you. This is why, starting in spring 2016, the Youniversity of Pittsburgh will offer the following courses that will marshal carefully picked evidence to nourish your self-esteem:

That Guy You Vaguely Remember Will Keep Nodding to You

 By Ilya Yashin

Remember that guy you had a class with some time ago, and made small talk with? “I remember you just as vaguely,” he said, “and I, too, will keep nodding silently to you when we see each other.”

Letter From the Editors

Dear Readers,

As you very well know, The Pittiful News has a long running series of (100% true) stories about Pitt's chancellor, Patrick Gallagator, a well known lizard-person. Important facts about the Gallagator include that he lives in a dungeon under the cathedral and leaves shed skin all over the place. Our dear friends over at The Black Sheep, a "humor" publication with branches on many college campuses including Pitt, recently "borrowed" this idea in an article about conspiracy theories. Now we understand why they would "borrow" this material, since it is so groundbreaking and captivating, but fair is fair and The Pittiful News will now have to "borrow" something from The Black Sheep. The only problem is, none of their articles would fit our high standards and thus we feel it is unfair to subject our readers to such inane drivel. But when The Black Sheep publishes something good enough for us to "borrow" we'll be sure to let you know! Actually, we won't, it'll just be slipped into the paper with no credit whatsoever. This holiday season, we are thankful for you, our loyal readers, for your occasional and sparse support!

Sincerely,

Hannah Lynn and Holly Stavarski

Editors in Chief

Rapper Hospitalized after "Keepin' it @ a hunnit all day, erry day"

By Tom Harnett

On Oct. 27, Local Rapper, Lil Creamsicle, was hospitalized.  The media has been kept in the dark for the most part, but inside sources have leaked some information on the up and coming rapper.

Apparently, Creamsicle has been working on a song and, as is his process, has been, "Keepin' it @ a hunnit all day, erry day."  This is common practice for rappers now-a-days. They want to produce the best quality music and what better way is there to do that than to constantly stay @ a hunnit?  The problem is that it may not be a sustainable lifestyle.

Pitt Student Rides Tuition's Worth of Port Authority

By Phil Forrence

College isn't cheap. You've got to make every cent count. Most students budget their money by renting used textbooks, hoarding Ramen noodles, and binge drinking free rubbing alcohol from the University Health Center. Daniel Simmons chose a different route.

Simmons chose to ride an out-of-state tuition's worth of Port authority buses during the fall 2015 semester. “I did the math.” He explains, “Pitt tuition for an out-of-stater like me is  $14,479 per semester. One Port Authority bus ride costs $2.50. That means it's going to take a lot of rides to cover the tuition cost.” After ignoring our question about if he knew what math was, Daniel then discussed his progress. “So far I have taken 1,340 cold, lonely bus trips. I spent nights, weekends, and the funeral for my nephew on these buses. I've seen fellow students start relationships, end relationships, and binge drink free rubbing alcohol from the University Health Center.”

Simmons says that he is not doing this for any organization. He doesn't oppose high tuition rates. He doesn't yearn for the spotlight. He frankly enjoys all the perks of Pitt as a University. “Even though Pitt has a high tuition. I love a lot of things about it,” he raves. “I like to think that riding the bus as much as I do shows that.” As he voraciously downs a bottle of isopropyl rubbing alcohol available free from the University Health Center.

Netflix and Chill Proposition Confused with Satanic Ritual

By Critter Fink and Dana Goatblood

 

Police are currently investigating the sacrifice of college junior, Dave Misogynisto, after discovering his body smeared in a mixture of human blood, goat blood, and sixty-nine stab wounds to his torso and legs. His “average sized” penis was not severed. Dave invited fellow junior, Stephanie Kameltoh over via the messaging app Kik, after communicating with her on the dating app Tinder. He asked her via Tinder, “ayyyy u got a kik,” she responded, “Yes, user: Lucifer6969.” On Kik, he invited her to his apartment for what he described as ‘Netflix and chill? ;)’

Kameltoh released a statement from Allegheny County Jail.

Review: Roger Ebert’s Review of “Spice World”

by BD Wahlberg

Score:

On January 23, 1998 some movie reviewer named Roger Ebert gave the Spice Girls movie, Spice World, one half of a star. One half of a star. Guess what else deserves one half of a star? Roger Ebert’s review. And that half a star is only for the quality of his star system and how mildly aesthetic it is.

Dead Roommate Refuses to Pay Rent

By Holly Stavarski

    Two years ago, when best friends Jillian Holmes, Jacklyn Moore, and Tara Washington moved in together, they never thought anything would get in the way of their unwavering bond. That was until Jacklyn Moore suddenly died.

“I was devastated. She was my best friend,” said Jillian Holmes, who had known Jacklyn since pre-school, “I thought that I was never going to see her again, but now I can’t wait for this bitch to leave.”

After her tragic death, instead of taking advantage of eternal rest, Jacklyn has remained a resident in the apartment she and her friends shared and has been “more active and inconsiderate than ever.”

“Jacklyn used to be a really chill girl,” said Tara, Jacklyn’s friend since freshman year, “But now, she is up at all hours of the night slamming doors, pushing our décor off the tables, moaning – it never stops.”

According to Jillian, Jacklyn’s actions escalated drastically when they attempted to sublet her room.

Top 5 Greatest Halloween Movies

It’s that time of year folks! Yes, that time when you curl up with steaming cup of pumpkin-spiced absinthe and watch your favorite hair-raising flicks! Here are five favorite Halloween classics hand-picked by exorcists. I mean experts.

1. The Pumpkin's Revenge - Everyone loves this classic tale of rotting ghost pumpkins from years past that come back to haunt their owners for carving into their face with a knife and then leaving them on the porch for the raccoons to feast on.
2. I Know What You Did To Marc Summers - When four high schoolers accidentally kill Marc Summers, host of Food Network's "Unwrapped" he comes back to torment them and also forces them to learn how twinkies are made. (Food Network puppet, host of "Unwrapped)
3. The Sting - What's that noise? It's a song. It's been following you around for days. It's sending an SOS? You're sending out an SOS! It's THE STING.
4. Nutmeg's Child - A sprite young gal named believes that her unborn child might be of a different...variety. The truth is only revealed when she gives birth to Oregano!
5. Elf - An adult man thinks he's actually an Elf and it's really weird.

An Open Letter to the Person Wearing a Human-Sized Electrical Outlet Costume Last Year

by John Scarry

Dear Person Wearing a Human-Sized Electrical Outlet Costume Last Year,

      

Look... I'm sorry.  It was wrong of me to demand that you charge my phone with your genital area.

       I shouldn't have lost my temper.

       I shouldn't have thrown your phone on the ground and curb-stomped it, yelling "If my phone is going to be dead then, goddamnit, so is yours!"

Scientists Discover Statue of Huge Middle Finger on Mars

By Claudia Glogowska

The discovery of liquid water on the surface of Mars has caused quite a stir among the scientific community as there is now more evidence than ever that humans may not be the only speck of life in the universe. On top of this, the Curiosity Rover recently sent back perplexing photos from the red planet that very well may present the biggest breakthrough for NASA to date.

The images, which depict what appears to be a gigantic and suspiciously detailed statue of a middle finger, arrived in the station at 6:37 pm on October 22. The group of scientists focusing on the Mars project are currently still attempting to solve the mystery of its origin and meaning. 

“It’s still too early to tell, but we have strong reason to believe that this was set up by some sort of advanced alien civilization that is perhaps still angry about E.T,” says John Grunsfeld, astronaut and associate administrator of NASA’s Science Mission Directorate in Washington. “If you look at the careful way in which the surface of the hand and finger were crafted, there is absolutely no way this statue could have just appeared out of nowhere. And it sure isn’t just a play on our perspective as our cameras and equipment are the most advanced they’ve ever been. Just examine the photo.” 

Although the message seems to be clear, NASA refuses to make a concrete statement as to what this discovery entails. In fact, NASA plans on sending additional and more advanced drones to Mars within the next couple of months. “We just can’t be sure. We better really get in there and start digging around for more data,” commented one of the members of the team. 

Despite the excitement of the discovery, there is no doubt that the aura of mystery around the seemingly familiar planet keeps on growing along with the paranormal discoveries which continue to be made there.

7 Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life this Halloween

By I.S. Chills

Is your bedroom lacking a little oomph? These seasonal ideas will be sure to make things a little more exciting for you and your man.

1) Fake Blood

Sure, you’ve heard of chocolate sauce, but blood? Trust us, whip out some fake blood and your man may just go full-out vampire!

2) Fog Machine

Forget candles! Rent out one of these bad boys for a sensual night of spooky ambience.

3) Seasonal Beverage

Tired of Astroglide? We found Starbucks’ infamous Pumpkin Spice Latte to double as a delicious and effective personal lubricant.

4) Convincing Mask

Have a thing for Ronald Reagan? So do we, after we tried out some of our local Halloween stores’ masks in the bedroom. Our favorites were the Gov. Chris Christie Deluxe Mask ($19.99) and the Leatherface Deluxe Mask ($54.99).

5) Cornucopia

Okay, this one is technically a Thanksgiving item, but who cares? Use one as a hat, codpiece, or ear trumpet, pair with spooky lingerie, and, voila! Date night is exciting again.

6) Animatronics

If you have a larger budget, and a hunger for voyeurism, an animatronic decoration is perfect to give you and your partner that spine-tingling “we’re being watched” feeling. Try Spirit Halloween’s 6’ Twitching Banshee ($199.99) or the classic 6.5’ Animated Bog Reaper ($269.99).

7) Gourds

You know exactly what to do with these.