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THIS IS A TEST
Your life is full of tests: science, math, your mom adding you on Snapchat. But this. This is a test from us the, Pittiful News. Read at your own risk because much like the SAT's, this test determines your worth as a person. Fare thee well, and let the aforementioned examination commence.
Forbes Gyro Opens Suicide Hotline
By Phil Forrence
As her manager berated her for not being pretty enough to work the register, Tiffany Albright realized that fewer and fewer patrons had been visiting the once frequented venue. Forbes Gyro’s traditional customer base, nightly-sauced-frat-bros and daily-Chipotle-line-spillover, had dwindled over the previous few months. With the economy in the toilet and Forbes Gyro's recent gruesome streak of clogged toilets, she concluded that if the difficult-to-pronounce restaurant was going to survive, it needed a new business angle and she would provide it.
“Hello this is Forbes Gyro, where our cheese expires before you do!” The new phone greetings show how they are creating this angle. “Hello this is Forbes Gyro, home of the repeat customer, hopefully!” Each patron is offered 15 seconds free on the new Forbes Gyro Suicide Hotline with the purchase of any entrée. The Hotline charges $3.00 a minute or $7.00 for every two minutes to help recent patrons off the ledge. The results have been astounding.
As her manager berated her for not being pretty enough to work the register, Tiffany Albright realized that fewer and fewer patrons had been visiting the once frequented venue. Forbes Gyro’s traditional customer base, nightly-sauced-frat-bros and daily-Chipotle-line-spillover, had dwindled over the previous few months. With the economy in the toilet and Forbes Gyro's recent gruesome streak of clogged toilets, she concluded that if the difficult-to-pronounce restaurant was going to survive, it needed a new business angle and she would provide it.
“Hello this is Forbes Gyro, where our cheese expires before you do!” The new phone greetings show how they are creating this angle. “Hello this is Forbes Gyro, home of the repeat customer, hopefully!” Each patron is offered 15 seconds free on the new Forbes Gyro Suicide Hotline with the purchase of any entrée. The Hotline charges $3.00 a minute or $7.00 for every two minutes to help recent patrons off the ledge. The results have been astounding.
Towers Students Set Out To Disprove Inferiority
By Milo Davis
PITTSBURGH, PA—It’s quite apparent that Pitt makes it a point to provide its students with a wealth of fun activities and amenities to help engage new students and to help them make the transition from living at home to dorm life. Unfortunately, the majority of these luxuries are only provided to a select few living in Nordenberg, whilst other freshman dorms are left out.
A few weeks ago, a group of freshmen living in Tower A decided to take the already first-rate experience of living in Towers to new heights by filling an inflatable pool with water in their hallway in front of the elevators. One of the students involved was quoted as saying “Fuck you Nordenberg, do you have a pool? Cause we have a pool.”
PITTSBURGH, PA—It’s quite apparent that Pitt makes it a point to provide its students with a wealth of fun activities and amenities to help engage new students and to help them make the transition from living at home to dorm life. Unfortunately, the majority of these luxuries are only provided to a select few living in Nordenberg, whilst other freshman dorms are left out.
A few weeks ago, a group of freshmen living in Tower A decided to take the already first-rate experience of living in Towers to new heights by filling an inflatable pool with water in their hallway in front of the elevators. One of the students involved was quoted as saying “Fuck you Nordenberg, do you have a pool? Cause we have a pool.”
Wanted: Dinosaur Fashion Intern
By Jessica Star
Carnegie Museum of Natural History has announced a new semester-long internship program called the Dippy Design Team. Four interns will be in charge of dressing Dippy, our favorite neighborhood diplodocus statue. Mandatory training includes attendance at the annual Dinosaur Fashion Week in Wyoming, where dinosaur designers from all over the world will congregate to put on Jurassic fashion shows. David Lawrence Hall Renovations Actually Incredible, What a Good Use of My Tuition Money, Golly Gee, Thanks Pitt
By B.D. Wahlberg
PITTSBURGH, PA- In a surprise twist, Pitt embarked on another more than 7 million dollar project and it turned out freakin’ sweet. (I’m looking at you elevator “modernization.”) This semester Pitt revealed the newly remodeled David Lawrence Hall, and like hot damn these are some swell classrooms. I mean, we got that new lobby last year, but they had walls up around the auditorium. Not like that stopped us from snooping and getting this EXCLUSIVE FRUGGIN PICTURE (see left) of the construction. I know, A++ investigative journalism right there.
Area Mans Use of Acronyms Becoming Detrimental
By Will Connor
PITTSBURGH, PA - Squirrel Hill resident Don Cronim’s habit of creating acronyms for insignificant parts of life is beginning to really bother his neighbors. Although he claims to be a very friendly his neighbors attest, “It’s just impossible to understand him anymore. When he comes up to you and says ‘HYDG?’ you just have no idea what he’s trying to say.” Some of them are genuinely concerned for his well being. Another resident says that she is “very worried about his mental health” and “doesn’t think he won’t be able to get a job to sustain himself.”
Don’s reaction to these comments is one of genuine concern. “I JWS that I like their outfit, or tell them how much I LTBW!” he told The Pittiful News. “But when TDU what you wanna say, you feel like a WUHB and just DSTP.”
PITTSBURGH, PA - Squirrel Hill resident Don Cronim’s habit of creating acronyms for insignificant parts of life is beginning to really bother his neighbors. Although he claims to be a very friendly his neighbors attest, “It’s just impossible to understand him anymore. When he comes up to you and says ‘HYDG?’ you just have no idea what he’s trying to say.” Some of them are genuinely concerned for his well being. Another resident says that she is “very worried about his mental health” and “doesn’t think he won’t be able to get a job to sustain himself.”
Don’s reaction to these comments is one of genuine concern. “I JWS that I like their outfit, or tell them how much I LTBW!” he told The Pittiful News. “But when TDU what you wanna say, you feel like a WUHB and just DSTP.”
Science Fair Terrorized by Islamic State
By Grant Wicklem
BOWMAN, SC - A rural South Carolina town has reportedly arrested twelve-year-old Abdul-Kareem Mohammad after a disastrous science fair outing.
Mohammad was detained after school authorities deemed his model volcano to be suspicious.
Upon inspection, a white, powder-like substance was discovered, initially thought to be some sort of explosive or crack-cocaine. It was later determined to be baking soda, one of the reactants, along with vinegar, in a typical model volcano.
“It appeared to be a sort of terroristic device, possibly used to melt the school,” said one unnamed school official. “In the moment, we had to act and we had to act quickly.”
BOWMAN, SC - A rural South Carolina town has reportedly arrested twelve-year-old Abdul-Kareem Mohammad after a disastrous science fair outing.
Mohammad was detained after school authorities deemed his model volcano to be suspicious.
Upon inspection, a white, powder-like substance was discovered, initially thought to be some sort of explosive or crack-cocaine. It was later determined to be baking soda, one of the reactants, along with vinegar, in a typical model volcano.
“It appeared to be a sort of terroristic device, possibly used to melt the school,” said one unnamed school official. “In the moment, we had to act and we had to act quickly.”
Man Bite Dog Hard, Not Dead
By Ilya Yashin
“That dog, mad dog got bit by man, hard, fast, sharp teeth” said court man, law man, white man, black man, red man, straight man, gay man, right man, wrong man. “Law says bad dog, wrong dog to get so bit by man hard, fast, not dead but so much pain.”
Judge to think hard next week how to set man free, blame dog, said judge, cop, man, his mom, his dad, his son, his dog, his wife, her mom, her dad, her son, her cat, said town, said bridge, said street, said bench.
Dog barks no words, dog said, cried. Dog not heard by man, girl, boy, judge, priest, nurse, two men, five men, ten men.
Man to write words, book, go on screen. Man: “It’s bunk. Dog bit dog. I will write words, book, go on screen.” Wild cat, fat cat, mad bird, sane snake, one hut, two farms, small town, huge town: “Man, I will read your words, book, watch you on screen—how you bite dog hard, fast, white teeth, not dead!”
Next week court to bite dog dead.
200 Word Reviews: Movies, Pretty Good
By Tom Harnett
Movies are a tough thing to review because it seems like there are so many different kinds, but I’ll do my best. The average movie lasts about an hour and a half and stars Nicolas Cage. He is a really talented guy, let me tell you. Half the time I don’t know what he’s going to do next! One second he is climbing Mount Rushmore, next he’s singing Opera. It’s a bold claim to make but Cage may be one of the most multitalented humans of all time.
Anyway, back to movies. If you haven’t seen movies, you should probably give them a watch! People like them for all different reasons, some think they are scary, some think they are dramatic, and others think they are funny. I have actually heard people laughing at movies before! Then other times, I’ve heard people screaming at movies too!
Overall, I think that movies are pretty good. My only qualm with them, and it is a small one, is that they are sometimes loud. The sound is really threatening sometimes and it gave me indigestion on more than 2 occasions. For a final score, I give movies a 4 thumbs out of 5.
Sports Cars, Sexy Strangers, Mirth Linked to Asking Your Doctor about Prescription Drug
By Ilya Yashin
A study published this week in the American Journal of Medicine shows that asking your doctor about a prescription drug leads to a dramatic increase in sexy members of your preferred gender, expensive cars, spending all day outdoors and/or with your happy family, and overall mirth.
“We found that asking their doctor about a prescription drug bumps everybody a few steps up the socioeconomic ladder and they end up laughing in the company of their loved ones in a variety of picturesque upscale settings,” said lead researcher Brandon Smith. At the end of the study many participants drove off into the sunset in sports cars or sat holding hands in rocking chairs on the porch of a house they would never be able to afford.
“We found that asking their doctor about a prescription drug bumps everybody a few steps up the socioeconomic ladder and they end up laughing in the company of their loved ones in a variety of picturesque upscale settings,” said lead researcher Brandon Smith. At the end of the study many participants drove off into the sunset in sports cars or sat holding hands in rocking chairs on the porch of a house they would never be able to afford.
Local Cop Suspended Amid Sex Scandal
By Tom Harnett
Details
are still scattered about the story, but as far as we can tell a local
South Oakland police officer has been suspended as rumors of a sex
scandal broke late last night. Agent Frisky is stout, with a mane of
brown hair that women find hard to keep their eyes off.
Frisky
has declined to speak, but his partner had a couple thoughts. “I feel
so bad for him,” Said Officer Doogan. “I had really been on his back a
lot recently, I guess the stress of the job has a breaking point.
Regardless, there is no excuse for this kind of horseplay.”
Rumors
began surfacing after a photo emerged last week, but grew stronger as
time went on. Agent Frisky’s Lawyer, Glenn Glutenberg, released a
statement, “Agent Frisky should not be held responsible for what he does
in the privacy of his own stable,” He said. “And the pressures of
mating season have been weighing heavy on him, I don’t know how you can
blame the stallion for his natural behavior.”
Agent Frisky was sired by Alaska Question, who was 0-17 in various Derbies and put down by the age of 2. 
Domino’s now let’s customers order food by sending an emoji
By Hannah Lynn
In an unsurprising turn of millennial events, Domino’s now let’s customer order food by simply sending a pizza emoji via text message. While I have literally dozens of questions regarding the logistics of this, I have even more ideas for other ways to use this emoji innovation.
-Order a prostitute by sending an eggplant
-Bet on horses by sending a jockey
-Request janitorial assistance by sending the little poop
-Hire a hitman by sending gun
-Order whale meat by sending whale
-Get drugs from dealer by sending pill
-Get other drugs from other dealer by sending leaf
-Make a vasectomy appointment by sending knife + cherries
-Summon Lucifer by sending the devil
The Inside Scoop: Pittiful News Meeting Notes
By Will Connor
It has come to my attention that some people do not, in fact, attend Pittiful News meetings. What a tragedy! I can hardly imagine how these people live! But I have decided that, as is my duty as a journalist, I will chronicle the goings-on of this great news establishment on the nights of Monday and Thursday.
- I arrive at 8:55. Pretty empty tonight. We discuss our lives.
- Holly arrived at precisely 9:00. The meeting began at 9:01 with one of the new members pitching an article about the elevators. It was a pretty funny concept, actually!
- Oh hey, Cassandra has an apple.
- Hannah doesn’t have any pitches today.
- You know, I haven’t had an apple in a really long time…
- Ben reads an article about sport. Not sports, sport. And about the Pitt News.
- Good idea for the picture: an artist’s rendition of “the photo” they use!
- God, I wish I had an apple.
- She’s eating it now.
- I haven’t been able to bite into an apple in two years. It’s been so long.
- I can hear the crunch and the flow of the juices coming from that sweet, sweet fruit. I crave an apple of my own.
- Oh, me? Nah sorry guys, nothing today. When are articles due? Thursday? Okay, cool.
- My God, I need an apple so bad right now.
- You see, dear reader, two years ago, I broke one of my front teeth, and since then I haven’t been able to bite into an apple.
- What sort of cruel world must I live in where I cannot partake in the joy of an apple? What is life without this terrific fruit?
- We’re discussing someone else’s pitch. I guess it wasn’t too great, but people are starting to laugh a bit, so it’s going somewhere.
- Oh hey, that is a cool idea! Nice one, Phil!
- You know, the back of my iPhone has that little apple logo on it… Makes me want an apple even more…
- Fuck it, I’m eating my phone.
- This doesn’t taste very good.
- Why is everyone looking at me? …they noticed, didn’t they? I don’t feel so good.
And that’s all for this meeting! Come back next month for more of the inside scoop!
The writer of this article cannot currently be contacted electronically. He can be reached in person at UPMC in the emergency ward being treated for mercury poisoning and consumption of an electronic device.
Wake Up Call: Powerball Pushing Conservative Agenda
By: Tom Harnett
Let me start this article by saying that I am merely a messenger. But who is to say that this messenger isn’t furious? Because I am furious; I’m furious with the government, I’m furious with the patriarchy, I’m furious with Barack Obama for letting it all slide. He’s sitting up there, in his modern Parthenon, eating grapes and drinking wine while his people are being oppressed. Where is my olive branch, Barack?
I am about to unleash a statistic upon you that will shatter every prior notion that you had of racism in the United States. In the last 20 years, White Americans have won the lottery 75 percent of the time. I repeat, 75 percent. Basically, out of every 100 lotteries, white people win about 75. The real tragedy are the rest of the statistics: African Americans win about 10 percent of the time, Chinese Americans win about 11.04 percent of the time and, perhaps most heinous of all, Native Americans win only .06 percent of the time. Let me speak for my Native American friends and ask, é Tu Bruté?
The numbers are appalling. I don’t want to be “that guy”, but POWERBALL IS PUSHING A CONSERVATIVE AGENDA ON THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. As a White Caucasian male it is my duty to post these numbers on Facebook as much as possible, please help spread the word and raise awareness about Powerball while you have the chance. I am willing to accept any Powerball tickets bought prior to your reading of this article for safe keeping.
Dead, Racially Ambiguous, Orphan Wins The Voice on Backstory Alone
By Critter Fink
A young boy without a name was recently given a record deal with Adam Levine’s label; Exploit the Youth, after winning the ninth season of The Voice. The boy was eight years old when he died of something his doctors described as, “similar to Benjamin Button disease but in reverse.” A producer of the show heard the story of the young, dead, racially ambiguous orphaned boy while visiting his grandmother in the hospital after her breast augmentation and realized that he’d be perfect for the singing competition. He dragged his little body bag to the auditions that day and made Carson Daley tell the world the boy’s story in a very sad voice. Though the boy could not physically sing when put on the stage because he was dead, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton still turned their chairs. “I just had a feeling about this one, I just kind of knew from his aur—oar-uhh? O’Hara? What’s that last word on this script, they didn’t teach us that in my schooling days,” says Shelton as producers shuffle him off of the stage.
A young boy without a name was recently given a record deal with Adam Levine’s label; Exploit the Youth, after winning the ninth season of The Voice. The boy was eight years old when he died of something his doctors described as, “similar to Benjamin Button disease but in reverse.” A producer of the show heard the story of the young, dead, racially ambiguous orphaned boy while visiting his grandmother in the hospital after her breast augmentation and realized that he’d be perfect for the singing competition. He dragged his little body bag to the auditions that day and made Carson Daley tell the world the boy’s story in a very sad voice. Though the boy could not physically sing when put on the stage because he was dead, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton still turned their chairs. “I just had a feeling about this one, I just kind of knew from his aur—oar-uhh? O’Hara? What’s that last word on this script, they didn’t teach us that in my schooling days,” says Shelton as producers shuffle him off of the stage.
Pitt to Offer Annual Tuition Hike
Shuffling. Scuffling. Shuffling sounds cut the dark forest din. Quick rodents scurry past the door-flap of your canvass enclosure. Your eyelids lift as your mind transitions to blissful confusion. You slowly rise in an early-hours-daze as infant light beams dart just over the fertile mountainside. The zipper of your tent takes some convincing, but finally acquiesces and comes unstuck as you stumble your way out into the awakening woodland. The great outdoors. In the tech-centric world we inhabit, it’s a place we just don't visit often enough. At least, that's what Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher believes.
“Sometimes you just have to do something that is good for you, that doesn't sound like it's good for you but it is. I'm dangerous,” He explains. “The world isn't always going to treat you the way you think it should so you just gotta roll with the punches and every once in a while do some things.”
Surviving Your Freshman Year—A Guide
By Steven Jaindl
Greetings Freshman! You must be excited to start college, and for good reason—college is an exciting experience, replete with fun things you won’t have the time to do because you’re studying in order to one day land a job that pays you well enough to pay back your college loans in time for you to begin saving for retirement, assuming you don’t die first. Do not, however, let this excitement cause you to make poor judgments which may put you in harm’s way; higher education presents problems which you may not hitherto have been confronted by.
The following list features some of the leading causes of death among college students:
-Dehydration.
-A fatal overestimation of self-importance.
-Revolving door accidents.
-Gettin’ your mind blown by a particularly engaging professor.
-Excessive disgust at those two guys who kissed in public while you happened to be looking in their direction.
-Forgetting to leave behind a trail of breadcrumbs when travelling into Schenley Park, getting lost, being unable to catch any wildlife, drinking the water from the disgusting pond, kneeling over and dying.
-Scurvy.
-Stray nerf darts from that fucking game those nerds play.
-Admitting you lost an intellectual argument.
-Overeagerness in trying extreme sexual positons, such as “The Fire Hydrant” or “The -Back-Breaker.
-Your parents forcing you to pick the largest meal plan possible, and your subsequent consumption of nothing except Market Central food for a semester, “Supersize me” style.
-Syphilis.
-Broken heart.
Greetings Freshman! You must be excited to start college, and for good reason—college is an exciting experience, replete with fun things you won’t have the time to do because you’re studying in order to one day land a job that pays you well enough to pay back your college loans in time for you to begin saving for retirement, assuming you don’t die first. Do not, however, let this excitement cause you to make poor judgments which may put you in harm’s way; higher education presents problems which you may not hitherto have been confronted by.
The following list features some of the leading causes of death among college students:
-Dehydration.
-A fatal overestimation of self-importance.
-Revolving door accidents.
-Gettin’ your mind blown by a particularly engaging professor.
-Excessive disgust at those two guys who kissed in public while you happened to be looking in their direction.
-Forgetting to leave behind a trail of breadcrumbs when travelling into Schenley Park, getting lost, being unable to catch any wildlife, drinking the water from the disgusting pond, kneeling over and dying.
-Scurvy.
-Stray nerf darts from that fucking game those nerds play.
-Admitting you lost an intellectual argument.
-Overeagerness in trying extreme sexual positons, such as “The Fire Hydrant” or “The -Back-Breaker.
-Your parents forcing you to pick the largest meal plan possible, and your subsequent consumption of nothing except Market Central food for a semester, “Supersize me” style.
-Syphilis.
-Broken heart.
Local Student Wins Writing Award with Erotic Fan Fiction
By Holly Stavarski
CHAMPAIGN, IL – Every year students submit pieces of written word and art to the Scholastic Art & Writing Awards in hopes of winning the coveted Gold Key. This year, Champaign School Districts’ own Riley Tennanbaum did the same, but unlike many others, the 12-year-old student won.
Cara Holsvick, Riley’s English Teacher, was shocked at the outcome.
“Riley is a brilliant writer with a lot of potential, but usually the subject matter of the writing is a little… advanced for a middle schooler. When I say advanced, I mean sexual.”
CHAMPAIGN, IL – Every year students submit pieces of written word and art to the Scholastic Art & Writing Awards in hopes of winning the coveted Gold Key. This year, Champaign School Districts’ own Riley Tennanbaum did the same, but unlike many others, the 12-year-old student won.
Cara Holsvick, Riley’s English Teacher, was shocked at the outcome.
“Riley is a brilliant writer with a lot of potential, but usually the subject matter of the writing is a little… advanced for a middle schooler. When I say advanced, I mean sexual.”
The Descent of Jan
By Bill Beadle
Though a virtual unknown to the general populous, Jan is a figure many college students are familiar with. She starred in the critically panned series of videos presented as part of the AlcoholEdu program where she played a largely autobiographic role: the drunk mess. In attempts to revamp her image, Jan has agreed to this exclusive interview as long as it is published in its entirety, without any edits. Due to her very busy schedule the interview was conducted via Tinder message (her preferred method of communication):
BB: Hello Jan
J: Hi cutie, hows about u bring absinthe n I’ll limber up
BB: Whoa, whoa, whoa Jan. This is the interview for the Pittiful News.
J: O. Sry I 4got. Lets do this!
BB: Let’s start out with your past roles. What do you feel has been your defining role as of now?
J: Well that 1 with the alkohal was basically me but I would have to say my roll in the 7th grade Nativity pageant
Though a virtual unknown to the general populous, Jan is a figure many college students are familiar with. She starred in the critically panned series of videos presented as part of the AlcoholEdu program where she played a largely autobiographic role: the drunk mess. In attempts to revamp her image, Jan has agreed to this exclusive interview as long as it is published in its entirety, without any edits. Due to her very busy schedule the interview was conducted via Tinder message (her preferred method of communication):
BB: Hello Jan
J: Hi cutie, hows about u bring absinthe n I’ll limber up
BB: Whoa, whoa, whoa Jan. This is the interview for the Pittiful News.
J: O. Sry I 4got. Lets do this!
BB: Let’s start out with your past roles. What do you feel has been your defining role as of now?
J: Well that 1 with the alkohal was basically me but I would have to say my roll in the 7th grade Nativity pageant
Frida Kahlo Tragically Dies
By Danial Smith
Thousands gathered Monday to mourn the recent death of the iconic Frida Kahlo, who passed away Monday morning in her home in Holland Hall, Oakland. She was known for her radiant colors, charming personality, and adorable fins. She is survived only by her owner, Sarah Sokolowski.
“It’s ok. I’m sad but at least I gave her a longer& more loved life than if had been used as food,” Sarah said. “Becase she was a feeder fish.” Ms. Sokolowski, a freshman at the University of Pittsburgh, adopted Frida from a local Petco on Friday, September 18, 2015. Despite the abrupt end to their relationship, Sarah and Frida developed an unparalleled bond in those short 3 days. Much of their time together was spent with Frida swimming in circles, and Sarah watching.
Sarah was too overcome with emotion for further comment. Memorial services were held Monday evening at Holland Hall.
“It’s ok. I’m sad but at least I gave her a longer& more loved life than if had been used as food,” Sarah said. “Becase she was a feeder fish.” Ms. Sokolowski, a freshman at the University of Pittsburgh, adopted Frida from a local Petco on Friday, September 18, 2015. Despite the abrupt end to their relationship, Sarah and Frida developed an unparalleled bond in those short 3 days. Much of their time together was spent with Frida swimming in circles, and Sarah watching.
Sarah was too overcome with emotion for further comment. Memorial services were held Monday evening at Holland Hall.
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