That Spider Is Still Sitting There

Yep, just checked, he's still there

That spider is still sitting up there, sources close to the spider confirmed. For quite some time now he has been making you uncomfortable and nervous by sitting there all fat and menacing, and he will continue doing just the same until an opportunity arrives to strike you most scarily.

The spider said that he hates you. He hates your stupid face, your soul, your very existence. He hates your fingernails and ankles. All the way up there he sits detesting your lifestyle, your hobbies and passions, your choice of friends, your taste in art. Your goals and dreams disgust the spider. The hairs on all his eight fast legs find you utterly pathetic and can't wait to touch your idiotic skin. He guffaws at the struggles in your life. The spider's contempt for all that makes you you is stronger than even his web. He will find you.

Adults Don't Know Shit About Life, Study of Angsty Teens Shows

Nathan Wool, Official Lead Researcher Guy

A study published in the August issue of Science and Stuff by a team of angsty teenagers found that “adults don’t know shit about life or how to live it right.” The study, funded by the money mooched from the team members’ parents, was based on a series of interviews and opinion polls conducted with numerous angsty teenagers.

“The evidence presented in our study is unequivocal,” said lead researcher Nathan Wool, freshman at a Florida boarding high school. “Adults live with their heads up their lazy asses and don’t know the first thing about how to live a meaningful life. No drive, no light in their eyes, they are existential burnouts, man, all of them. This study proves our initial hunched—or else we wouldn't have done it.”